My Heart's Desires & Other Things

Life is Exhausting

2011-11-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. Not just sleepy, but tired. Work drains me, mostly because I take things personally and I allow it to. I'm also not a people person. I think I'm good with people--awkward on a personal level, I function better at work because I "know what I'm doing," but it can be overwhelming, especially for someone like me who would rather work alone.

I've spent all of November cleaning up accounts that were ignored for a while, which has sucked up the majority of my time at work so all my side projects I usually keep a handle on have just...exploded.

This week has been full--more cleaning up, more catching up, and a new person started today that I have to train. So far, so good, and I hope she catches on quickly. I don't mind answering a lot of questions because it makes me feel kind of useful.

On top of that there have been many activities during the week.

Monday my family had an ornament exchange, which was so much fun!

Tuesday, I read a book. We also found out one of our dogs, Buddy Gibbs, has cancer.

Yesterday, I read another book. I also came home sick, just in time for my parents and sister to take Patches to the vet to be put to sleep.

I had a doctor visit today. I realize, whoohoo, doctor visit, right? Yeah. Right. I'm also not feeling well. It's 8:15 and I'm in bed. I took a melatonin to help me sleep.

Tomorrow, there's a possibility of meeting a family friend for lunch, and the possibility of taking my sister to see Happy Feet 2, which I promised her I'd take her to months ago. (My sister loves Elijah Wood and he is the voice of one of the penguins.)

Saturday I'm going with a Twilight-smitten friend to see the latest release.

I kind of like having a busy week. I feel like the days aren't just passing by. I'm not wasting them napping or doing nothing online. I feel like I'm accomplishing something, even something small, that makes me life a bit more happier. I just wish I had more energy.

Questioning God

2011-11-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I'm afraid if I simply think something horrible, God is going to strike me dead. He has to make an example of someone, and that someone is usually someone in my family. Odd things happen to us, even if there's a slim chance of it happening to anyone at all. Strange people strike up conversations with the women of my family in line at the grocery store, or follow us in Target. There are plenty of "Who does this happen to?" moments on a weekly basis, and laughter between aunts and cousins as the moments are shared.

All in all, we believe there is a reason for everything, for ever conversation had with someone we think we don't want to know. We talk with the strange people, look at weird events from a different perspective and try to pull out the good--and good there almost always is. I've become best friends with more than one person I thought was strange and am a better person for it. God has His reason and I've learned most things happen for a reason. (You can the cliche all you want but, quite frankly, you won't believe it until you actually experience it.)

The one thing I don't understand, though, is why God is making my aunt go through so much. Through it all she has been a modern day Job, praising the Lord when all her strength is gone and when you think she can go no further. Through her I learned there is a reason for the things that happen, even if we don't know why yet. Most of the time, those things will reveal themselves.

Did you know that if my sister wasn't in the process of getting her health checked out to donate a kidney to my aunt that the ovary she had removed back in June might have created more problems than just sharp pains? My sister had a cyst removed from the ovary a couple years ago but the pain from it had never really gone away. They discovered it had come back, larger than before, and needed to be removed. Surgery was scheduled within the week.

In the process of trying to save my aunt's life, my aunt may have actually saved my sister's. There is no telling what the damage the cyst could have caused if it wasn't removed. It was so frustrating trying to get the wheels in motion and took nearly a year to get the kidney transplant to take place, but what if it only took a month? Would the cyst have been meaningless, would it even shown up on the x-ray? Possibly not. Everything happens for a reason.

But. I am having a difficult time understanding why the hurdles we had to jump through to make the kidney transplant take place have only increased after October 13th. My aunt's fistula in her arm, through which she had her dialysis, clotted on October 11th. On October 12th my aunt had to have a neck catheter put in that morning in order to rush over to the dialysis center to have dialysis--right after the surgery!--and my uncle drove her to San Francisco after the hours-long dialysis. The next morning my sister donated her kidney to my aunt. The doctor said the kidney began to function before the surgery was even complete. What wonderful news!

We knew there would be health issues for her to overcome. My aunt is 58 and it's her 4th transplant. The medications she's been on for years to keep her alive cause their own set of problems. She struggled with breathlessness and her body not creating enough red blood cells to keep it going on its own. And I can't help but feel like someone forgot to do something to try and fix her!

It's November 11, nearly a month after the transplant and my aunt has been in and out of the hospital emergency room. She's been to doctors appointments at UCSF and locally, told them of her breathlessness, had a blood transfusion before she left UCSF initially and had EPO shots on a regular basis. Yesterday, she was admitted back to the local hospital, where they NPO'd her (a diabetic!) and she went without her medication for two days--one of which helps stave off a virus in her eye that caused her to reject her first kidney (there was no medication for it at the time...it doesn't cure it, but it stops it, it keeps it at bay). And then the hospital ordered a contrast scan that has the potential to cause rejection because of the dye used for the scan! Twenty minutes ago, she was just admitted to UCSF.

I know she won't bounce back like she did after her 3rd transplant, in addition to the myriad of issues she's had over the last few years she is also not as young as she used to be--but what is going on that they haven't been able to get her medications straight? Why doesn't it feel like the doctors are communicating? Like they're so worried about freeing up another bed and pushing another patient out the door that they're forgetting the patient isn't paperwork, she's a person. Why does it feel like the pieces of the puzzle are scattered all over the floor and everyone refuses to work together to pick them all up?

My aunt keeps saying God has a reason. He has a plan. But what is it? Why is he making her suffer so much, only to make her suffer more? I'll never forget her giggling, her joyful laughter and silly shaking of her belly mere hours after the surgery. "I feel goooooood!" Lord, can you give her that feeling back? Give her enough health to heal, to get back to church and visit. Give her the breath she needs to walk from the front door to the car. Give her the time to write that book so many people already want to read. Let her raise her hands in church to You during worship. Let her stand through the songs instead of becoming out of breath just standing. Out of everyone I know, she deserves Your love the most. And she's the one, out of everyone, that will praise You in the storm (a storm that started when she was a teenager). Lord, please, just let her be healed.

NaNoWriMo

2011-11-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

Day 5 of National Novel Writing Month. Current word count: ZERO.

To tell the truth, NaNoWriMo didn't even cross my mind this year. I've been so wiped out that I haven't thought of anything past working, naps, and my weekly television shows.

Last year I kicked butt at NaNoWriMo and "won" for the first time in my many years of attempts. The thing is, though, I always attempt it, even if I know I'm not going to put much effort into it. It's just what I do. This year I completely forgot.

I feel like it's okay to pass on this year, though, since I remember how life-consuming it was last November. My entire being lived last November to write 50,000 words. I wrote during my breaks at work, stayed up past my bedtime to write and opened my laptop every spare moment I had. I met with my best friend at a coffee shop where she forced me to quit procrastinating and write. I literally did nothing but write for a month.

My sister is giving it a shot. I hope she succeeds. Good luck, Valerie! I can't wait to read what you create.

Tough Day

2011-10-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

This was a tough day. Just because it was tough. Have you ever had that? A day that wasn't really tough for any reason in particular, but it ended up being difficult to get through?

Mine involved the tv show Hoarders and my want to have my bedroom be just my bedroom, instead of cramming everything in my small space with overflow into the hallway(I have a tiny room and, unfortunately, I've selfishly taken up some of my mom's hallway space for books and craft supplies).

It's overwhelming. Stuff is overwhelming. I even decided to get rid of some books--you have no idea how huge that is! So far I've only thrown one into a box (David Copperfield...because, come on. It's a classic. If I'd wanted to read it that badly, I'd have read it by now, and if I want to read it in the future I can go grab a copy at a thrift store) but I will be looking to get rid of more tomorrow. I probably have a lot of reference/classic/etc books that I just don't need. Period. I'd rather have room for a book I get excited about reading every time I see it. That way, the books are safe and not in the way, or toppling over, and Buddy's not laying all over them. (Buddy will lay on anything.)

I also sliced my heel open in the process on an old glass jar. The jar was cracked to begin with, and there wasn't much glitter in it, so I tossed it "to be safe." Then I ended up stepping on it through the trash bag when I was trying to step over things. I didn't even realize I had done it until I walked into the kitchen, checked my heel because it hurt, and there was blood all over my shoe.

The one awesome thing I got to do was see Once Upon a Time with my mom. Unfortunately, I missed "seeing" some of it because I was trying to paint my nails for my Buzz Lightyear costume tomorrow--which didn't work out that well. I had to re-do them all (it took forever to get the white nail polish off I had used as a base) and only now just finished. On the plus side, I will get to see my nails glow in the dark tonight.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. A co-worker was let go and I have to take over their work. (I haven't been asked--yet. But it's what I do.) And I've been up since 8:30 this morning so I really didn't get as much sleep as I have been getting on weekends, so I'm a bit disappointed I ended up staying up so late. Here it is 10:30 pm and I need to get up at 5am, earlier if I can get my rear out of bed. I have to spray my hair purple and do some fancy eyeshadow!

Here's to a Happy Halloween...

Charlie Horse

2011-10-23T16:41:00.001-07:00

I woke up with my leg twitching early Thursday morning, about 3:30. I prepared for the leg cramp, but managed to massage the charlie horse out before it went full-throttle. It hurt, but I've had worse. I laid back down & fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up with a nightmare but still remembered the leg cramp. Oddly enough, my leg didn't hurt. Until I tried to stand on it. Holy moly. It was definitely sore! But sore was all it was. And had a twitch. For two days.

Friday I crashed after work. I was exhausted; last week was an emotional, long week & this past week I was still recovering. I slept for about 3 hours (that point you can't call it a nap!). When I awoke I found my leg was stiff, the muscle refusing to contract. The spot where the Charlie Horse occurred had been sore and hurting, but now it was how affecting how I walked. From that point on I've been hurting.

Now it's been 3 1/2 days since the charlie horse and I am having trouble walking. My leg has been killing me. I can't walk like normal, or lift my foot to avoid even a thin book that fell on my floor. I've massaged it, eaten bananas for protein (even though I have eats tons in the last few months, at least 4 or 5 a week) & cheese for calcium. The muscle is stiff and sore.

At this point my leg calf still twitches and refuses to function as normal, my knee is sore (it's also the one that hit the dashboard in the car accident last year so that's not helping) and my foot is starting to hurt. I hurt from hurting.

I Googled a little bit trying to figure out how to make it better, if there are other causes, etc. I have a lower back problem that feels more like my tailbone when it hurts than my sciatica (usually if I lift something really heavy) so I was wondering if that affected it, but everything comes up with sciatica and my back isn't hurting right now, so I'm fairly certain they're not linked.

I'm just tired from being sore, exhausted from the amount of energy it currently takes to walk, and feeling rather useless since this issue with my leg won't let me get anywhere very quickly.

Has anyone else had this issue with leg cramps, where the affects last longer than they usually do? Do you have any idea how to help my leg return to normal?

30 Days of Lists: Day 30

2011-10-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

A Few Things I Love

Seeing my dog "run" in her sleep
Blowing dandelion seeds
Acquiring books for my collection
The Backstreet Boys
Geeking out over Harry Potter--and having someone understand
Taking photographs
Good, interesting conversation with friends and family
Watching movies with my mom in the early evening, curled up in her bed
When things work out in the end
Awesome looking clouds
The feeling when I finish reading a book
Naps
My sister when she really smiles
Hanging out in my pajamas
My t-shirt quilt my sister made me
My new "Little House on the Prairie" apron my sister made me
Jane Austen

How appropriate, and how wonderful, my last list falls on the day of the transplant. The transplant is (or should have been at this point) at approximately 7:30 in the morning. This will post after 5 pm and by then we should be conversing with the lovely patients.

30 Days of Lists: Day 29

2011-10-12T17:17:00.001-07:00

Things I Am Afraid Of

Being hit by a car
Spiders (not Daddy Long Legs or little ones, just big ones, or ones with thick legs, or black widows)
Being alone (not alone as in alone in my room...like utterly alone, stranded, as in no one left but me)
Losing someone I love
Seeing something awful I can't get out of my head, be it something fake on a television show or an article online
Drowning
Being a failure (not failing in & of itself)
Being the butt end of a mean joke (ala She's All That)

There are a lot of questions, what-ifs and prayers running through my head at the moment. Right about now I should be settled in a hotel room near UCSF, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while my sister and aunt prepare for the transplant on Thursday. Pray. Pray hard. If all has gone well with my aunt receiving a cath Wednesday morning, all six of us making the trip to SF should be there.

30 Days of Lists: Day 28

2011-10-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

Things I'm Looking Forward To This Year

The transplant occurring. The emotional roller coaster of the yes'-and-no's are exhausting. Today my aunt's fistula clotted. The transplant is God's decision. It's up to Him if it happens. If He says yes, then tomorrow morning my aunt will have surgery and get a cath, which will enable her to get dialysis as soon as it's in, which will enable her to go immediately to San Francisco. She must get dialysis tomorrow in order for the transplant to occur on Thursday. We are two days away!
Celebrating my aunt's birthday in November.
Christmas
An Aladdin movie marathon with my sister while she's recuperating.
Getting my Christmas cards ready to send out.
Seeing my dog, Winnie, put up on a poster in Carmel.

30 Days of Lists: Day 27

2011-10-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Things To Do Tomorrow

Change sheets
Put laundry away
Wash one more load of laundry
Choose clothes to pack
Take care for 5,000 mile service (Appt @ 3:30)
Make a list of things to pack
Prepare 3 more days of blog lists & preschedule them
Fill my gas tank
Transfer photos from cameras to laptop
Straighten trunk
Clean car
Choose two books to bring (The Ghosts of Ashbury High is number one, but I cannot for the life of me remember what I chose as book 2 when I was talking to my sister the other day! As it stands now, I am thinking of bringing Sister Freaks or Jesus Freaks II, but that might change if I sit down and start looking at my books tomorrow.)

They're simple things, but they are things that will keep me busy. There are tons of little things as well that will keep me up late, rushing around, doing this and that last minute. My sister is donating a kidney to my aunt on Thursday. Thursday! It's nearly here. When I started these lists I had no idea it would run into my 30 Days of Lists, thus the prescheduling (my computer will be staying home). The transplant was originally scheduled for the end of the month, but they agreed to move it up a bit. They would have moved it up more but there was some health issues that had to be cleared. Now all systems are go!

You have no idea how proud of my sister I am, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a million thoughts running through my head every second. I've actually managed to check a couple of things off my list today.

Bathe Winnie (that was a last minute I almost forgot! thing...)
Charge cameras (my video camera will be next!)
Clear off theatre chair (yes, I have an old theatre seat as extra seating in my room!)
Put away scrapbook supplies
Straighten nightstand

It's not much, but it's a little less I have to do tomorrow, and I just didn't have it in me to finish my laundry today. I'll do it tomorrow, with my other 100 things...

30 Days of Lists: Day 26

2011-10-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

Crafts I Want To Try

Decoden. Yes, it's as strange and off the wall as it sounds, and just as useless. It's basically making faux food with rhinestones, pearls & any other bits and bobs that tickle your fancy. There's no reason for me to want to do it, but just the same, I'd like to.
Making miniature foods. I am smitten by the photos I see online, I do not own a dollhouse & have no idea where I would put them, but I want to make little cookies and cakes and donuts anyway. At least I have some experience with polymer clay!
Making micro books. They're so cute! And darling, and creative, and I don't know what I would make it about, but I'd like to try just the same.
Sewing a quilt. Just a little t-shirt quilt, like my sister makes. I'd like to try it at some point, even if it comes out crooked.
Paint something. I'm a terrible artist, I can't draw worth anything, but someday I'd like to have inspiration strike and paint something on a canvas that's worth hanging on the wall.

My problem is I want to try too many crafts, and I have such a little space to craft (I pretty much have to spread out on my bed & I'm required to clean up in order to sleep in my bed that night) that I get overwhelmed. But! I tend to purchase the items needed to make crafts, then not make them because there's no room or I'm just lazy (I'm an awesome procrastinator.)

30 Days of Lists: Day 25

2011-10-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

5 Things I've Done Today

Took a nap
Had a lovely time at lunch/dinner! My uncle took my sister & I out to the Olive Garden. It was such a nice visit. It's so interesting to hear him talk about his past!
Watched Janet Devlin's X-Factor Audition on YouTube. Ohmygoodnessgracious. I had to pull out tissue. She is such an endearing girl. And to have that voice at 16!
Went to my meeting this morning, even though I stink at staying on track. It was nice to see Joy, who is succeeding.
This one hasn't happened yet, but will as soon as I post this: I'm going to sort through & organize supplies for making jewelry with my sister. She's got a whole host of things she's trying to get in order before she donates a kidney to our aunt! Is she not amazing??

Sometimes, on the weekends, I don't do much. I've been tired lately and tend to nap a lot on the weekends and just not want to do anything. So I make lists showing how productive I am. (I swear I'll make up for it tomorrow by organizing my room & putting my laundry away...)

30 Days of Lists: Day 24

2011-10-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

Things I Wish I Had a Knack For Learning

Some sort of programming language that allowed me to build websites (CSS, HTML). At this point I rely on FrontPage (which isn't compatible with the newest version of Windows!) and only have basic HTML memorized.
Memorizing random information--useless or helpful, I'd take either. My memory stinks.
Manual photography. I don't remember a thing from the awful photography class I took in college and would love to know how to use my manual settings on my Nikon.
Directions or Maps. I am directionally challenged! I've gone around the block and it's like a whole new world. (If you think I'm kidding, ask my sister--she was in the car.) I still have to print out directions if I'm going to my doctor's office here in town! A bonus would be it would help me with my job. Maybe I wouldn't have to spend all day looking up locations on YahooMaps.
French. Or Spanish. I took Japanese in high school, which I still think was funnest in 8th grade but useless the rest of the time. I really wish I had taken French, but Spanish would be the most helpful because of where I live. But who is practical in high school?

Ha! I bet you thought I was going to miss today's post. Surprise, surprise! I made it. Just in time, too! It's 10:15 pm. If I hadn't checked my email and seen a comment my sister made on another post I would have gone straight to bed. I'm exhausted because she & I spent all evening running around doing Grown Up Things like making appointments for me to get my car serviced next week and having new tires put on and getting the spare tire fixed (which is actually a real tire, thank you previous owner!) and making to do lists for next week before the transplant.

30 Days of Lists: Day 23

2011-10-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

Random Happy Memories

Uncle Larry driving through puddles when Val & I were kids--how fun to see how large the splashes would go! Until my mother finally pointed out you never know how deep the puddles are or what's in them. But it was too late! We'd had several years of doing it at that point.
Papaw, Val & I getting into his big, old yellow truck when he & Mamaw owned the last mobile home park to go to the "dump," which was essentially where the pipes emptied out.
Sitting on a sheet, spread out in Grandma's living room, wrapping the Christmas gifts she's picked out for everyone--including our own!
Getting my first--and only--pair of rollerblades and having Daddy showing us to rough up the wheels to stop them from spinning so quickly.
Pushing up the bottom shelf on the built-in shelf in one of the bedrooms in the house on Crescent--with just enough room to hide something.
Discovering patterned socks for $1.99 a pair and finding out I had enough to buy several pairs. This was at ShopKo in Redding in high school. Both my sister & I hated the fact that our white socks were dirty when we had to take our shoes off in gym for mat exercises. I've had a drawer full of patterned socks ever since.
The feeling of dread I had when my aunt and mom took my sister, cousin & I to the movie theater to see The Phantom of the Opera and I found out how long it was...then finding out how much I loved it!

30 Days of Lists: Day 22

2011-10-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

Things I Do To Myself That Make Me Feel Like I'm Breaking The Rules
(A Goody Two Shoes Gone Bad)

Black nailpolish
Red eyeshadow
My tattoo
My cartilage piercing (upper ear... had this re-done on the left ear after the right wouldn't heal because I slept in it, but I got them done in a tattoo parlor)
The glow in the dark & sparkle strands in my hair (done at the fair! Thank you, Janis, a month later they're still in there!)
Wearing clothes with a slightly gothic twist
Clip in strands of color (I'm not allowed to color my hair "unnatural" colors at work, otherwise I'd have done streaks in blue or red at this point)

I should mention it doesn't take much for me to feel like I'm breaking the rules--or at least breaking the expectations of what people around me think I'm supposed to be like. It's always been that way, though. I grew up a school girl & a goody two shoes and never had the nerve to go all out crazy (although black lipstick has always been out).

30 Days of Lists: Day 21

2011-10-04T19:06:00.001-07:00

My Favorite Pieces of Jewelry to Wear

My White Star Line ceramic necklace my sister had made for me
My Time Turner
My Ron Weasley Sweetheart Necklace my sister bought for my birthday, but gave it to me early so I could wear it to the final Harry Potter Movie Midnight Showing <3
My otter earrings (Currently missing, but I do not give up hope! They were from the Monterey Bay Aquarium)
My butterfly earrings my sister bought for me during our NKOTBSB weekend in San Jose this past July. We went to the ZOO!
The glow in the dark mushroom necklace I made--the charm glows in the dark & the green and purple beads of the actual necklace are iridescent. It's made of happy colors! I usually wear owl earrings with them...cuz owls...mushrooms...it says "Match!" to me!
My large Heart of the Ocean necklace. I have a Replica I haven't had a chance to wear (but Halloween is coming up!!)
A silver cuff bracelet with mood beads (it's the only bracelet I can wear that doesn't pull at the little hairs on my arm or slide around)
My pirate flag earrings
Ashell Simpson Rhinestone dangle earrings (one is missing...I WILL FIND THE OTHER! I love them too much to give up hope!)
A chunky, vintage glass bead necklace with an old fashioned key hanging from it my sister made
A dichroic glass tree pendant necklace Val bought for me

I am probably missing something, but honestly, I am always adding to the list! I go in spurts of what I like to wear and if I don't know what to wear then I usually fall back on one of my favorites. It doesn't even matter if it doesn't match my outfit!

30 Days of Lists: Day 20

2011-10-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Blog Post Ideas

A day of photos - Either an event that took place (like my trip to the county fair!) or just a regular day "In the Life of Me." Sometimes it's nice to look back on ordinary days and be reminded of the little things that I saw on a daily basis that I might not have appreciated at the time. I'm also terrible at actually sitting down to scrapbook so pairing photos with journal entries is nice to look back on.
Book Reviews & Impressions - I don't have a blog where I review books and I actually don't want one. There is so much work that goes into running one and while I admire those that do, I would rather not run one myself and just sporadically post about books. Because I love books!
Journaling Questions/Writing Prompts - Not just asking the questions, but answering them myself. Sometimes I need some guidance to write, I can't just sit down and spit something out.
Sharing a collection - A couple blogs I follow do this and I love it! Sometimes they share a photo of their collection or a recent acquisition, even accidental collections. I love hearing the story behind them.
Lists - I hope you haven't had enough of lists!! I hope the way I've been posting my "30 Days of Lists" isn't entirely boring (to the two of you that read my blog) but I'm just using it to get myself motivated. I am hoping to come up with some fun and different ways to share lists in the future--and not just lists about me!

I've been having a lot of fun coming up with these lists, but it's been a lot more difficult than I thought! I hope that having a few ideas in the back of my mind for posts will help motivate me to update regularly. I know I don't have to have a blog, and quite frankly I only know two people who read it (Hi, Mom! Hi, Val!), but I like to write, so I keep things blog going for me.

It's a nice trip down memory lane when I read an old journal entry or come across some old photographs. I hope these records of things I put down, photos I share, can be as enjoyable to you as they are to me.

30 Days of Lists: Day 19

2011-10-02T17:17:00.000-07:00

Words I Despise

Bling
Corpse

Honestly, I tried long and hard to make this list longer, but the word bling irritates me so much that I couldn't think of anything that even comes close! Corpse is creepy to me, and horrible things come to mind when I read or hear the word (greasy, cold, dead bodies), but even that isn't as bad as bling. It feels so uneducated to me, especially when more accurate words can be used to describe what that "bling" is--glitter, rhinestones, diamonds, shimmer, shine... (And for the record, I want you to know that my computer is flagging the word "bling" as misspelled. It's not even a real word!)

What is one of your least favorite words?

30 Days of Lists: Day 18

2011-10-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

My Favorite Websites

Google.com/reader. If you have not used Google's read to keep all track of all the new posts on the blogs you follow, you're missing out! Even better? It treats Flickr the same way! So I "subscribe" to the people I follow on Flickr & I can read all my blogs & see all my friends new photos together in the same place.
Flickr. Goes without saying! I love photographs--both mine and everyone else's.
Tumblr. I love Tumblr because it's like Twitter-meets-Flickr-meets-Blogs. It's a whole bunch of stuff together, a quick dose of a little bit of everything you love, all in one spot.
Pinterest. This is a new love! It's like Tumblr, but is easy to sort favorite bookmarks and follow other people's "Boards." I use Tumblr to post everything I like on a whim, or spur of the moment mini blog posts--I use Pinterest to sort things I actually want to go back to that I don't want to lose in my Google Bookmarks (that's a whole 'nother story!)
YouTube. I think this is another given. I'm so addicted to the music videos, book hauls, scrapbook hauls, craft posts, interviews, etc. If you've never seen a TED video, you're missing out!

30 Days of Lists: Day 17

2011-09-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

Five Things from My Bucket List

Have Breakfast at Tiffany's. (I found a Tiffany's in Carmel! This is actually within my reach!)
Ride on a San Francisco Cable Card while listening to The Fray's Over My Head (Cable Car). I can't explain why I decided to mesh the two, but once I decided it has to be done!
Visit the old cemeteries in Salem, Massachusetts. I love wandering through old cemeteries, but here in California the headstones are never that old. Somewhere along the way I decided Salem must have some of the oldest headstones in the US. I'm sure there are older ones, but the historical significance to them is interesting enough to make the "looking at old headstones" thing even more interesting.
Read the entire Bible. It's been 28 years and I haven't done it yet!
Take a road trip. I've never been on one, and it might be better for me to do it later rather than sooner, but I'd still love to do this. (I also dream of dragging my kids on long road trips to see the biggest balls of yarn and Laura Ingalls Wilder's home with Pa's fiddle. I should mention I'm single with no kids.)

30 Days of Lists: Day 16

2011-09-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

My Top 3 Worst Traits

I procrastinate. I do what I say I do...just sometime last minute or after I say I'll do it.
I'm terrible with money. My bills get paid on time, but I stink at the saving thing.
I have no sense of style. None. (But it's gotten to the point where that means if I like it, I'll wear it, even if it clashes!)

30 Days of Lists: Day 15

2011-09-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Requirements on my Nightstand

Fan (Turned on for noise when I sleep)
Bottle of water
Journal
Weekly planner (used as a mini journal)
Smashbook
A current read or two
Pens
Melatonin
Scissors

Everything else piled on my nightstand is negotiable.

30 Days of Lists: Day 14

2011-09-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

Things I Like To Do On the Weekend

Sleep late.
Hanging out in my pajamas.
Stay up late(r!)
Stay home!
Nap (sleep in the middle of the day is pretty exciting on the weekends)

Some of this stuff goes with my "recharge my batteries" post. I'm an introvert so I enjoy keeping to myself and fiddling around the house. I should mention that while these are things I like to do, I do not always do them, so don't think I have the luxury of spending all my weekends this way! (I wish!)

30 Days of Lists: Day 13

2011-09-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

Things That Give Me A Sense of Accomplishment

A clean bedroom (A place for everything and everything in its place!)
Completing my laundry (fluffed, folded & put away!)
Finishing a book
Completing a handcrafted gift for someone
Going through photographs I took and finding a few I think are actually good. (I call those "newspaper photos." I look at them like someone else took them, as if I'd run across them printed in the newspaper and they're not something I took.)

What gives you a sense of accomplishment?

30 Days of Lists: Day 12

2011-09-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

Things I Appreciate When I'm Sick

Kleenex with Lotion (What a luxury for your poor nose!!)
A cold can of ginger ale (I learned the hard way: Do not drink the diet!)
Sick time off work (No need to worry about pay!)
A freshly made bed
Clean pajamas (Any little thing to make you feel less gross)
Medication that actually works: decongestants and cough syrup! (Bonus points if it knocks me out long enough to get some sleep.)

I wish I didn't have a need to appreciate these things often, but I've been sick twice in the last two months! I hope I'm done with that. My wonderful sister bought me a flu shot. This is only the third time I've had one, ever, and I'm surprised at what a difference it makes!

30 Days of Lists: Day 11

2011-09-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

Things I Collect (On Purpose)

Titanic memorabilia (the ship)
Enchanted (short-lived, not really a hit, but I love it!)
Treeson
Vintage Rhinestone jewelry
Books
Harry Potter

30 Days of Lists: Day 10

2011-09-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

10 Things I Love About My Mom
(Happy Birthday Edition)

Her stories about growing up
Her patience with my emotional & anger issues over the last year & a half since I don't know how to deal with them (I should note my "anger issues" are not as intense as others ... I'm just used to being mellow & easy-going, so any anger is just unusual for me & my personality)
Because she encourages & enjoys my weirdness
When we watch movies in her room and she lets me pick it out, even if she thinks she won't like it
She taught me to craft
Going thrift shopping
How we never run out of things to talk about or get sick of each others company
What an amazing & giving person she is. As long as I've known her (28 years!) she's always gone out of her way to help others and do what she can.
What a strong person she's become. She is the rock in our family.
I love that she's one of my best friends.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

30 Days of Lists: Day 9

2011-09-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

Things I Plan on Buying/Replacing When I Get Engaged
(So I'll Have Them By My Marriage)

Socks
Underwear
A big pack of Q-Tips
Handkerchiefs embroidered with my new initials
Days of the week kitchen towels embroidered with vintage patterns

What a list! I know. But trust me. I have my reasons. No matter how strange they may be.

30 Days of Lists: Day 8

2011-09-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

Five Things that Remind Me of My Grandmother

Ginger Ale
Costume jewelry
Bread boxes
My mother's nose
The little spider veins on my leg

Good, bad or ugly! I love the feeling these things invoke when they remind me of my beloved grandmother.

30 Days of Lists: Day 7

2011-09-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

Three TV Shows I Haven't Watched That I Would Like to See Someday

Dr. Who -- I'm a nerd and I know I will become addicted&obsessed&unabletostoponceIstart. I'm also a bit overwhelmed with where to start! It's such a long-running show!
Little House on the Prairie -- I'm currently obsessed with Laura Ingalls Wilder. I know the television show can be a little ridiculous because my sister is working her way through it, but I really want to watch them all for myself!
Everwood -- I feel like I should be embarrassed to put this on my list! I didn't get the WB when this show was on but I've seen a lot of little clips of it online and tried to make out certain story lines. I really liked what I saw, but I get the impression it's probably a show people would judge me for if I mentioned I liked it. Too bad!

Isn't that an insanely random list!? I'm such a weirdo.

30 Days of Lists: Day 6

2011-09-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

5 Things That Recharge My Batteries

Coming home during my lunch break at work
Changing into jammies for the rest of the night when I get home from work
Curling up in bed with a book during daylight hours, snuggled up with the bedroom light off & reading by the light that comes through the window
Taking a nap
Hanging out in mom's room, watching HGTV & other random television shows or movies

I'm a huge introvert and need to spend time at home in order to have the energy to deal with people in every day interactions, be it at work or when I'm out doing any running around. I don't mean it in a negative way at all, either. It's just taken me many years to accept that's just the way I am. Believe it or not, I've had to learn to read myself in order to know my limits and what I can handle, as well as what I need to do in order to refresh my energy to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed. This is completely the opposite of my best friend, who is one of the greatest people-persons I know!

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? If you're an introvert, what do you do to recharge your batteries?

30 Days of Lists: Day 5

2011-09-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

Five Obsessions I Have

Paper ephemera. (Especially scrapbook paper, journals & notebooks.)
Writing supplies. (Pens, markers, gel pens...)
Cute socks. (I don't own a single "plain" pair!)
Glitter.
Rainbows. (I think I wore too many dark clothes for so long and lived in a room that was solid blue for so many years that the five year old inside of me is making up for it with a bit of color!)

My obsessions differ from my collections! There are certain things I own (which I will list later) that I purposely hunt for in order to grow my collection. Obsessions just...happen. For example, the splash of color my rainbow striped comforter and throw pillows give my room, or this insane need to bring another journal or notebook home because the paper feels nice--even though I already own tons and won't run out even if I wrote every day for the next ten years. (And if I do that, at least I won't run out of pens!)

30 Days of Lists: Day 4

2011-09-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

Top Three Things I Wish I Collected

Those little matchbox bins. They're tiny & vintage & adorable! My aunt's neighbor has an entire collection of them on part of her kitchen wall. They're so vintage! I do not own one--perhaps someday I will discover one in need of love while thrifting!--but there are certain collections I must not start because where in the heck would I put them?? I think it's safe to say I collect collections.
Antique Armoires. Blasted things are enormous. I probably don't have to tell you why I don't collect them--other than their high price tags, they take up a bit more room than I have space for. Either way, I at least collect photos of them I come across online to partially appease myself.
Records. I have a small collection, however, I don't "collect." My father collects--trust me, there is a difference! I honestly don't have room, I don't want to make room for them when I really think about it (I'd have to move my books!), but it's a lovely thought to decide to listen to Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis Jr. and have the ability to just pop on a record. (I think I own less than 10 records. While I will own a Frank Sinatra album one day, I don't need to own every single record he has ever made.)

30 Days of Lists: Day 3

2011-09-16T17:17:00.000-07:00

Top 3 Books I Read So Far This Year & Why

The Laura Ingalls Wilder Little House on the Prairie series - I've always loved this series and read it as a little girl, but it's been so long since I read it that I had a fresh perspective. And also fell more deeply into it than before. I have always loved the simplicity of life during this time period (although it was not easy to actually live it!) and have become fascinated with this "Laura World" that I have read one book on Laura Ingalls Wilder herself and am in the middle of another.
Anna And The French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins - This is such a feel good YA love story! I read a lot of YA and this is one of the most enjoyable by far! The author's second book, Lola and the Boy Next Door, comes out later this month and I will be ~~first in line at the bookstore~~ preordering my copy online and hoping it will get here quickly. In my mind I categorize this book the same way I do the movie You've Got Mail. They're different mediums, however, if you want to feel good & squishy & lovey dovey & happy at the end, those are excellent places to turn!
Captain Wentworth's Persuasion by Regina Jeffers - I am the first to admit I am smitten with Jane Austen. Shortly after I read Pride & Prejudice I decided to jump in and read Persuasion--and holy moly! I fell more in love with Captain Wentworth than I did with Mr. Darcy. Captain Wentworth is still my chosen Regency man! There were only a couple of things I did not agree with in the book, however, the book was really amazing. I loved how it "showed" what Captain Wentworth was doing when he was out of Anne's sights and gave a fresh perspective on a much-loved story. The best part is it is written so well that you forget it is not Jane Austen approved!

30 Days of Lists: Day 2

2011-09-15T17:17:00.001-07:00

Things To Filter Through & Purge

~~Necklaces~~
~~Rings~~
Clothes
Greeting Cards
Posters

I'll admit it. I was inspired a little bit by someone on Tumblr. He was purging his whole house! Certainly I can purge a bit of my own things? It's a necessity--I'm a stuff person and always have been. It's a guilt I carry because I know it's sinful, but at the same time it's a fight I'm fighting!

When I was composing this list I actually got the umph to purge! I'm embarrassed at the amount of objects that I hoard (we'll discuss it another time!) and jewelry is one of them. I have always been attracted to "pretties," especially if they can be obtained for a good price. I still have a ridiculous amount of jewelry, however, at the same time I have gotten rid of enough that I can see what I have and I like it enough to keep it, and I get to wear what I like more often because I don't have to move pieces out of the way that I don't like.

There are a few pieces I wasn't sure of keeping, however, my thinking is it is better to keep them and get rid of them later, than to get rid of them and wish I'd kept them! It saves me money, too, because I don't have the urge to re-buy or replace those pieces if I change my mind in the future. And, like I said, I can always get rid of them!

As always, there is an exception! I am smitten with anything that has a connection to my family or special meaning. I have jewelry packed up that my sister purchased for me last year, all vintage rhinestone jewelry, and that isn't going anywhere. Also, jewelry boxes containing jewelry from my grandmother on my mother's side and my great grandmother on my father's side. In the words of the seagulls from Finding Nemo: Mine. Mine mine mineminemine.

30 Days of Lists: Day 1

2011-09-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

Movies I Love

The Proposal
Wall-E
Keeping the Faith
Say Anything
Little Giants
Enchanted
The Little Mermaid
Pride & Prejudice (A&E miniseries)
Sense & Sensibility (BBC miniseries)
Persuasion (1995 version, miniseries)
Cinderella
The Slipper & The Rose
Cinderfella
Anything with Audrey Hepburn

I apologize for starting this a bit later than planned, but this last week has been so busy! I thought I'd be a good blogger and begin at the beginning of last week, when I posted my Fair photos, to give me time to work on the lists so I had some of the posts planned. Aaaaand then "Life Happened." Isn't that always the reason? In this case it involved my aunt going into official kidney failure and starting dialysis (this was expected, but we were hoping she'd hold out until the transplant), my dad having neck surgery and me coming down with something (that I probably caught in the hospital waiting room). Remind me to get a flu shot next year, won't you?

The County Fair

2011-09-05T14:28:00.001-07:00

I went to the County Fair this weekend with my sister and one of our friends. My particular favorite, as always, as the funnel cake!
Aside from that there was a lot of eye candy in the form of food, arts & crafts and animals.
We stayed away from the rides so it was a rather low-key trip, but there were still tons of things to enjoy.

I loved seeing the animals but it was difficult knowing what their futures were.

Some of them seemed to know.

Others tried to escape.

Others seemed angry I disturbed them with my flash. (Yes, this one even "yelled" at me!)

We got see a sweet, sleeping calf who was less than two days old.

And I made friends with one who was two weeks old.

Some of the chickens were curious about the lens pointed at them.

And a co-worker even won a blue ribbon!
All in all we had a wonderful time and I've even been considering entering something myself next year!
I'd love to win a ribbon, even if it's not blue.

Blog more?

2011-09-02T09:38:00.001-07:00

I am terrible at updating regularly. I think that's pretty obvious concerning my lack of regular updates. I sometimes have ideas rolling in my head (most recently, contemplating the idea of something being a sin for one person but not for another--a thought put into my head a long time ago. I don't remember who it was, but I think it might have been my Bible study leader in high school, Jenny.)

I've been using my Tumblr a lot for quick blurbs, though. I love photos and things, so when I started out I posted tons of photos. The last couple of months I've started to incorporate mini blog posts , though I need to regularly post more of my own photographs.

To make a long story short (as if you're interesting why I don't blog more often) I thought it would be helpful if I started to keep a list of things I want to blog about, or set days the way some people have "GPOYW" or whatever it is. Then I came across Wild Olive's most recent post. She discusses a website called 30 Days of Lists. I'm not sure what it is, and you have to pay to join, but I thought, "What a great idea!"

I've been inspired to do my own "30 Days of Lists." Every day for a month I will post a list of something--I have to make a list to figure out what lists! I know I can do it--I love lists. Not necessarily to do lists, but any kind of lists. I own a couple of Listography books, I have a Listography account where I keep several lists updated on a regular basis, as well as a few random list books I discovered thrift shopping.

I tend to post my random, short posts on Tumblr because who wants to read a blog post that's merely 2 sentences and updated like it belongs on Twitter? So I thought I'd start making fun stuff. I like the idea of having like a "Photo Tuesday!" and other dorky things, so we'll see where this goes!

I'm not sure when I'm going to start my 30 days of lists, but I can tell you right now I'm already work on them! So hopefully in the next couple of days. I already chose one guideline: A minimum of 3 -5 items on the list. (I choose 3 for the more difficult lists, like "Biggest Events that Impacted My Life." Something dorky like that.)

What do you think?

Blech.

2011-08-08T10:01:00.001-07:00

I realized I've been apologizing all weekend. Sorry I bailed on work on Friday, sorry I called in today, sorry I've been sleeping so much... it occurred to me I've been feeling guilty for being sick! I've managed to go 8 months into the year without calling in sick, muddled through an almost-but-not-quite cold for three weeks without skipping work. And that's what frustrates me the most, I think. I get six sick days a year and, where I work, they complain when you come in sick and then complain when you're out sick. I'm sure part of this is frustration when people call in sick that aren't actually sick, but when I do use it for it's intended purpose--because I'm sick--I just sit here thinking about all the people frustrated with me because I've stayed home for the day. And I shouldn't feel guilty.

This thing hit out of no where, ruining any plans I had for the weekend (um..none, thankfully!) and sending me into a constant cycle of sleeping, feeling cruddy, and sleeping again. At one point I awakened to think it was Sunday morning when, in fact, it was still Saturday evening at 6pm. I have spent the entire weekend doped up on Nyquil and Dayquil, having the strangest dreams I cannot get out of.

This morning they included begging Japanese men with guns not to kill me and that I had good reason stealing the jewelry from the jewelry store, all to save a little girl, get down an elevator, and to be paraded about for my strange clothes until my male companion-who came out of nowhere to save the little girl with me--mentioned that the Japanese are not friendly like that for no reason, in which case we got out of there just in time for someone else to run in with a gun before I woke up. Really, now, where is the sense in any of that?

I'm forcing myself to enjoy this last day off--as much as one can enjoy having her best friend be a box of tissues--and to relax and really let myself heal, even if it means sleeping another day away. I took today off because I have no energy, I'm tiring out rather quickly (Saturday night I slept for nearly 12 hours, ate lunch, and fell asleep for an additional 5 hours after being awake less than 3!) and I just feel like I would have been useless at work. What is the point of going into work if I am so tired I have to take another 1/2 day? It will only drag my healing time out that much longer. And truly, I don't remember most of my weekend because I've slept through most of it, and if the rest of my dreams are anything like the previous one I mentioned, I'd rather not remember them anyway!

I Am Exhausted

2011-07-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

I am tired. Wiped out. Utterly spent. I could sleep for a week if it wasn't for the fact that I slept all weekend. I feel like I've been thrown into an emotional washing machine and toss around for a few extra cycles.

Today was my second appointment with the therapist. We tried a "push him out of the way of the car and beat him" method, but it didn't work because I'm not that type of person. She ended up telling me to use my pillows and do it in the privacy of my own room. Therapy fail.

I ended up crying, which I didn't think I was going to do. I didn't really cry in front of my last therapist, but this one hit the nail on the head. It's all about responsibility, and it started with anger.

I told her I have a lot of pent up anger. That I'm angry this man had the audacity to selfishly walk in front of our car. I'm angry at how much it changed my life, at how it burst this safety bubble I had built around myself. And then she told me he was responsible for stepping in front of the car, but I was responsible for how I reacted. It's not his fault that, a year and a half later, I can't drive on the freeway.

Ouch. That hurt. But it's so true! I am responsible for how I react. It's been nearly a year and a half. I have to quit blaming him. And once I take responsibility for my reaction, I can change how I react. That's when I started crying.

I've blamed this man for so long for changing my life. It's time I change my life and get it back. The next step is just to figure out how to do that.

I'm not delusional. My life is forever changed. I have to learn to incorporate it into my life so I can move on to what God has planned for me, even if I never fully understand why this happened. And that, my friends, is why I'm in therapy. So I can talk it out with someone who has a fresh perspective on my situation and who can help me work things out. And so far, it's working.

Sad Panda

2011-06-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

I've been having a difficult time recently. I know it's been me, not my circumstances or the influence of anyone around me. This past week was rough at work (when is it every smooth?) and it lead to several discussions with my mother and sister that brought to light a very difficult realization for me: I am smack in the middle of a bought of depression.

In a way, it's a relief. It gives me a something I can point at, something I can fix. I've felt something was off for a while. Why am I so out of control? I've asked. Why do I feel so angry? It answers a lot of questions I've been asking over and over the last few weeks.

I'm not usually an angry or sad person. I've always been "the nice twin," and the happy one. It used to take a lot to irritate me or push my buttons. Except lately it's been entirely too simple -- just a wrong look would rankle me. I knew something was wrong when the anger flared too easily. I just thought it was a side effect of PTSD. I assumed I've been stuck on the "anger" stage of accepting trauma. Except that's just not it.

I was recently informed that anger can be a side effect of depression. It's one of a few things that wrap up the bigger picture and tell me I'm going through a dark valley again, but thankfully not as dark as the one that followed the accident last year.

I'm grateful to my sister and my mom that not only have they put up with my nonsensical outbursts, but they've listened to my sometimes asinine ramblings and held my hand as I struggled to understand my mess of emotions. They've discussed the same issues with me over and over, no matter how stubborn I might be that a person who offended me was in the wrong, and guided me to the very intense realization I'm depressed.

Don't get me wrong! They've mentioned the possibility a couple of times. But I think it took straightening a couple things out in my head, and realizing it myself rather than having someone tell me, that made me come to accept what's going on.

This doesn't mean I don't have happy moments. Yesterday was wonderful--I spent all day at my aunt's house at a gathering of family & friends that all grew up together. It was one of those days you just soak up because it so rarely happens and when it does, it's just magical. The combination of people is one of my favorites and I had such a wonderful time. Unfortunately, it didn't make today any less painful.

I am not a depressed person. This is not something I have struggled with throughout my life. I believe this episode (as the last one was) stems from PTSD from the car accident I was in last year. There may be other contributing factors this time around, but I honestly don't think I would be "depressed" if it wasn't for the accident. I live my life in the Before and After, and Before I went through issues and did not become depressed as I have now.

I have known for a while I still have a lot to work through from that night. I think I avoided it is all. Kind of like a mentally ill individual who thinks they are okay after taking their medication, when the medication keeps them okay, so they stop. I stopped what was helping me through my darkest times, I thought I was "fixed," and it's taken me this long to realize that I'm still broken.

I haven't seen a therapist (psychologist? What is the correct title?) since October or November of last year. I was kind of on a high afterwards. I felt like I had the tools to keep myself on track, to keep me in control. I didn't realize those tools only helped me through the specific stage I was in--breathing exercises to calm you to get you back on the freeway are useless if the issues go deeper than driving anxiety.

It's time I go back. I'm making the call tomorrow. And you know what? I'm hopeful. It's not shameful to see someone to help you get back on track, to help you gain control of your life. I still can't process what happened last February. There is a part of my mind that literally does not understand what happened. I can recognize it superficially, but when it comes to truly understanding, feeling & accepting the facts, I am numb. I know that I need someone to help guide me in the right direction.

It will be a different therapist than who I saw last year. He was awesome for the time I saw him. I am grateful for his guidance. He saw me through the worst of the PTSD and gave me the tools I needed to simply be a passenger in a car on the freeway. But it's time I saw a Christian counselor, some one who can help guide my soul in the way of the Lord in this journey. There's a comfort only God can give that only another Christian understands that I don't believe the therapist I saw last year did.

My soul needs peace.

The Past is Present

2011-06-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

I read an article once that said that some of today's teenagers don't know what records are. WHAT?? Excuse me for feeling old, but...I'm not. So how can I be so old that I can love something so much when an entire generation has missed out on it?

Thankfully, the old adage "What is old is new again!" may be coming true. I see a lot of resurgence of old fads coming back, some of which is not a good thing. I really do not have a need to crimp my blonde hair into a frizzy afro for a second time. Some of it, however, is fabulous. I mourned the loss of the Polaroid but now own an Instax and have a website marked where I can purchase some new film a company created for Polaroid cameras. The typewriter is coming back as well and you won't hear me complaining if it makes it easier to purchase ribbon for mine.

There is something all of these things have in common--these nifty Polaroids, typewriters, record players. They are simple pleasures, and work simply. They were created to do one thing and one thing only. Instant color photographs, transfer thoughts to paper, and give the ability to share music.

There's a certain charm in these objects. You can sense the past in them even if you yourself did not experience them the first time around. There are Polaroids of my sister and I with our grandfather who passed away before our first birthday, but I don't remember having my photograph taken with one. I do remember the record player with the large speakers our family had, digging out the Chipmunk's Christmas Album to play each year while we decorated our tree. And is it a surprise, coming from a family of computer geeks, that my mother allowed her children to type on her electric typewriter?

The use of each item takes attention and a certain amount of precision. Polaroids easily come out blurred without a steady hand or a still subject. Records must be carefully cared for as to keep them from warping and--goodness me!--a person must flip the record to hear the entire album and there is no "next" button. If you make a mistake when you type on a typewriter you might need to strike-through the misspelled word, especially if your typewriter doesn't hold correction tape.

I love all these items. They comfort me and bring me joy. The loud clacking of typewriter keys, the sounds of a Polaroid processing film in your hands and the subtle popping of the records. There's a charm in sounds from the past, in their simplicity. It's music from another time and place. How can an entire generation miss out on things so beautiful?

On Being Alone

2011-06-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

This post started as a comment on another's blog. At some point I realized it might be rude to leave such a long novella behind that someone might feel obligated to read. And then I realized I had more to say, too much to leave in a little comment box when I wanted to ponder on it, to write a little more, to find others who can say, "I know exactly how you feel..." And I apologize for the large tangent I went off on that might make sense to no one but myself...

I am an introvert. That doesn't mean I don't like people--it just means they can overwhelm me. I'd much rather limit my exposure to them, or at least control it. Don't misinterpret the need to disconnect from others as a tendency to become a hermit. I used to. When we were younger my sister would wax poetic of the beauties of squirreling ourselves away in a house where we wouldn't have to see another human, or daylight, unless we approached a window to frown at the neighbor's shouting children or a passing siren (such is the town we live).

The thought is tempting. To create our own world where we felt unjudged by people, free to be as strange as God intended us. Doesn't that sound wonderful? To not have to force yourself into a box in order for others to see you as "normal," to see you as they see themselves--but how normal is it for them to go home and drink every night? How is my outlet of photography, of graphic arts, of crafting, any less important than schlepping to a thousand softball games a week? Just because I do not go, go, go to appointments, sports or parties does not mean my life is not full of the busyiness I create at home.

Oh! My sister says. If we had our own house, we could have a room for crafting! Our own library! (Our own library! The bliss!!) You can order anything you could ever want or need online, and did you know Safeway delivers? We could be a more sane version of the Collyer brothers, if voluntarily cutting yourself off physically from the outside world is considered sane for someone addicted to the internet. I shudder at the thought--have you heard of the Collyer brothers? Their story is heartwrenching, one I don't intend to repeat.

The Collyer brothers squirreled themselves away, alone, compulsive hoarders, and booby trapped their home so invaders could not push themselves into their lives, let alone stop by for a quick chat. The neighbors hadn't seen them in months. On March 21, 1947, an anonymous caller phoned the police and insisted there was a body inside. The body of Homer Collyer, sitting in a wheelchair, was found. He'd died of malnutrition, dehydration and a heart attack. Except he'd been dead only ten hours--and no one could find his brother.

Days were spent tossing the brothers treasures--outdated phone books, an old x-ray machine, the frame of a baby carriage, and anything they could create the tunnels with that they crawled from one room to another through--into the street below. Despite the smell, despite being ten feet from the body of his brother, Langley Collyer's body was not found until April 8. His own boobytrap had collapsed and killed him while bringing his brother food, leaving Homer utterly alone and helpless.

I didn't think about such things when I was a kid. It's easier to make friends when you're younger, isn't it? To find you have the same simple interests--the swing set at the school, playing Pogs or listening to the same radio station. When you get older you find you have to actually connect with someone to sustain a relationship. And if you're like me, not just introverted but weird, it doesn't happen that often.

I'm lucky enough that although alone, I wasn't lonely, wasn't completely cut off from people. My twin sister was always there, always by my side, almost always across the classroom to raise an eyebrow to. To this day if we go out to do something, just the two of us, there's this weird feeling that tells us we're still doing it alone, that two halves make a whole and a third person added to our twinly duo only makes two.

As I've grown older, not only have I found myself more and more introverted, but I'm content and happy being a homebody. Most people drain me--having quiet time at home recharges my batteries, even if only during my lunch hour off work.

And I like being alone, entertaining myself, unless it means I'm utterly alone. I like the safety of having someone in the next room, it calms my paranoid fears of knowing there is someone to help should something happen, which my mind conjures images of all to frequently now a days. I blame trauma for that, the paranoid fears of unlikely events turning inevitable if I'm not cautious enough to check locks on doors or hear a window shatter. Someday, I'll be happy being alone, to enjoy the quiet for what it is, but for now there is comfort in the small sounds someone makes in the next room as they turn the page of a book or taps on their computer keys.

I've spent the better part of the last year learning what little things make me truly happy. I enjoy dreaming of the places I want to travel to someday: I want to visit Salem, Massachusetts and see the graves of the accused witches, to photograph the stones with the dates and dashes that tell how short their lives were. I want to touch the stones of a building in England that has been standing since the 1600's, to stand at the base of the Eiffel tower and look up. I want to be ridiculous in San Fransisco and listen to The Fray's Over My Head (Cable Car) -- while actually riding a cable car. I want to play tourist in New York and walk across the same floors in Graceland that Elvis walked. I want to see the glaciers on a week-long Alaskan cruise, no matter how seasick I get. I want to visit that knockoff Disneyland in China (which has shut down since China made an agreement to create a real Disneyland)--and visit Disneyland Japan where I will struggle to pull my eighth-grade Japanese from behind closed doors and say Domo Arigato to someone with socks crazier than the ones I'll be wearing. I want to poke around abandoned theme parks and take a road trip that involves sleeping in teepees and visiting oddball museums and giant balls of yarn. Someday.

For now, I find comfort in the small things that don't just make me happy, but give my heart joy and replenish my soul: surrounding myself with stacks of books to lose myself in and writing actual letters to drop off at the post office on the way to work written on binder paper so old it's beautifully yellowed, although whoever receives the letter might think I haven't gone shopping for several decades. Happiness comes in the form of making my bed with my bright quilts and setting up my iPod to sing obnoxiously along to during a hot shower. Creating things gives me a sense of satisfaction as well--rolling maps into pens, gathering decorations to decorate a co-workers birthday with and photographing ladybugs in the backyard.

There's also a sort of comfort in shopping with my sister and my mom--I'm still weird when I'm with them, I'm still introverted, but they are, too, and the dynamics of our group work without draining our energy. There's no need to pretend I don't own a wand that makes a swishing sound or that I buy my dog needlepointed pillows to stuff against the wall so she won't have to be afraid she's going to fall down the crack between the wall and the bed. There are no false facades we have to put on, no forcing ourselves to pretend we're the same people as we were before. Surviving a nightmare together only strengthened our bonds with one another.

And shopping is one of the only reasons we leave the house as a group--it might be wrong, but for now that's what propelling us into our second year since the accident, and sometimes you have to do what's wrong just to cope. It gets us out of the house and away from allowing ourselves to become female versions of the Collyer brothers. It stops me, personally, from giving myself permission to be okay with not going anywhere but work--I'm not okay with that routine--but someday we'll be back to running to San Jose to see Setoguchi hit a puck with a stick and actually be excited about the drive. (Next year. They'll win the Stanley Cup next year!)

And the shopping itself? Maybe you think it doesn't fit into the whole introverted thing I've been discussing, but really, it fits in perfectly. Shopping is what has allowed me to create this safety net at home that I've needed in order to heal my heart for the last few months. And thrifting is my favorite--bringing back new-to-me books to add to my stacks, books that allow me to live someone else's life for a few hours (I just finished Amy & Roger's Epic Detour by Morgan Matson...and now dream of taking my own).

I guess the oddest thing in what I shop for, sometimes, is that I'm setting myself up to be with someone else someday. Like a big hopechest (or a hopeless chest in my case). I bring home retro canisters to grace a non-existent countertop, a breadbox to hold my English muffins and Ming Tsai cookbooks. People tell me that in order to meet someone I need to go out and meet someone. I just tell them the person I'm going to marry is probably sitting at home on his computer, too, just as I am.

For now, I'm going to sit at home and allow me to entertain myself. To have the time to read fifty books in a year, to browse the internet for crafts I want to try and places I want to visit, and to watch Firefly for the hundredth time.

Simple Pleasures

2011-05-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Last week I came across a blog entry from Chocolate on my Cranium with a simple craft that Cocoa called "Prettying Up Regular Pens." A simple, descriptive title and made me want to Pretty Up my pens, too! I have several friends who, when I bragged about my fancy "new pens," informed me they did this in high school. It's been on my mind for a while but actually seeing a photo of someone else who did one is what pushed me over the edge to finally do it myself. So I did.

I started out with scrapbook paper as suggested. Then I got the brilliant idea to use one of the pages from an old atlas I thrifted. Out came the scrapbook paper (it was easier to pull out the paper than I thought after tucking it in so tightly!) and in went the maps. So. Much. Awesome! I can't begin to describe how amazing they look. So you'll just have to see for yourself. (And excuse the quality--they were taken quickly with a cell phone in an effort to quickly show off my "fancy new pens.)

The only real effort I put into decorating my pens was having to size the paper to fit inside the pens. I took a standard sheet of printer paper and played around with a ruler and pencil until I found not just a height I was happy with, but a width. It doesn't take much for the paper to expand and fill the inside of the pen, however, I liked to add a little more than needed so there was less of a gap. After I had my template (which I forgot to save!) I traced the pieces of the map I liked best (more land, less water) and in the direction I like best. I'm OCD just enough where I wanted the map inside to be legible when written with--not upside down, not sideways, and not in any other direction.

I had such a difficult 2010 and I finally feel like I'm crawling out of it. Motivating myself to craft again, even something simply, brings me joy and adds a little more fun to my day. This small craft also makes me smile because it makes something so mundane, a pen, a little more mine. They're so my style.

99 Years Ago...

2011-04-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

April 15, 1912

99 years ago today, the Titanic sank.

There is an amazing fascination with the ship, one that is a bit unexplainable. Why does she so obsessively capture our attention? There have been more heart-wrenching events that have taken more lives, more recent disasters that affect our lives in a more personal manner than a ship that sank nearly 100 years ago.

And yet... here we are. Watching the clock with baited breath, imaging her beauty as she sank below the waves.

So many things went wrong that night, so many things lead up to the tragedy. Building materials that were not strong enough. Decisions to achieve aesthetic pleasure over live-saving functionality, simply because the law didn't force every person to have a place. Decisions to avoid ice warnings, to fail to believe that the emergency was nothing more than an overreaction by most persons since the Titanic was, of course, "practically unsinkable." Decisions on who to allow to live and who must die. On which class of people, on which group of lives, was worth saving and whose wasn't.

Have you ever put yourself in their shoes? Truly sat down and contemplated the temperature, the situation, the panic? Husbands leaving wives, families trapped below deck, drowned long before the ship actually sank because someone decided their lives weren't worth enough to unlock the gates?

I once read that every time someone passes away, a Library of Alexandria is lost. Their memories, their thoughts, their ideas, gone. So it just wasn't that over 1,500 people were lost. Everything they thought, everything they were, everything they could be, was gone. Mrs. Strauss decided to die with her husband after they successfully founded Macy's. One of America's richest families, the Astor's lost, a prominent member (although 47 year old John Jacob Astor IV managed to get his 18 year old pregnant wife on a lifeboat). And these are just examples from the affluent class.

What about those who scraped their life savings together to start over in America, whose potential to become something great or to live the lives they always wanted to were gone in a few short hours? What we don't know about the third-class passengers whose histories were not important enough to write down! They had souls, too!

And then there were the survivors. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was not officially recognized until 1980, over sixty-eight years after the Titanic sank. If you've ever been affected by PTSD or know someone who has, you can better understand the burden those that survived. Their struggles did not end when their feet touched the deck of the Carpathia.

That one moment in time changed so many things. Laws were changed. Design flaws in shipbuilding were amended. The course of history was literally altered through the loss of 1,500 lives. So when you discuss the sinking of this ship, consider the weight that the events hold. Have respect for the ocean, compassion for the people lost, and empathy for those who survived.

What's a Friend?

2011-03-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

It's funny. If you were to ask me if I'd ever had my heart broken before, I'd say no. Bruised maybe, but never broken. My thoughts would automatically go to the romantic sort. When really, I have "friends" that I allow to break it over and over. And that pains me more deeply.

World Traveler... Without Leaving Home

2011-03-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Ever since I can remember I've been fascinated by pieces of other cultures. For a while, especially in middle school and some of high school, I wanted to go to Japan and took Japanese. I don't have that passion to go there I did once, but I still enjoy bits and pieces. I guess that's the best way to describe what I like--bits and pieces of different places that make me, well, me, even though I've never been there. Here are a few things from other countries I have more than a little interest in.

Every four years I am glued to the television during the summer Olympics and become a sudden, obsessed fan of various sports. In 2000 I was still in school full time so I spent nearly two full weeks in front of the television and my love has grown from there. (Not so much for the winter Olympics.) That was also the year I discovered Canadian diver Alexandre Despatie and, during the worst time to do so, I allowed my allegiances to lie with our neighbor to the north rather than with my home country.
Canada, in general, has turned out to be the origin of many of my favorite celebrities. Hockey? Check--Patrick Marleau, Marc-Edouard Vlasic, and, most importantly, Devin Setoguchi are all Canadian. Actors? Devon Sawa was my absolute favorite growing up and not to mention the hottest Browncoat/Crime detective, Nathan Fillion. Music? Simple Plan, Michael Buble, and Celine Dion. The country is full of Awesome.
I enjoy foreign, sub-titled television and have, subsequently, spread this addition to my sister. One of our favorites is the Taiwanese "It Started With a Kiss" and it's sequel,"They Kiss Again" (go on, ask my sister about her love for Joe Chang). I've also watched the majority of South Korea's "The Coffee Prince" and a smattering of others--it's difficult to find a whole subtitled series on YouTube.
There are a few Japanese things I still love: origami, craft books, stationery, zakka, fabric and a zillion other little things.
England. Oh, England! Did you ever feel you lived in the wrong country or wrong era? I think I would have been perfectly content in Regency England. I have a love affair with Jane Austen (Captain Wentworth is my soulmate), Colin Firth and British accents. There is also Elizabeth Gaskell, The Script, Big Ben, Kate Winslet, Harry Potter, the original Office and The Chronicles of Naria.
France. But just to visit. The Eiffel tower, Moulin Rogue, Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins, films Amélie and A Very Long Engagement.

It Gets Better

2011-03-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

My mom's best friend just told her about a patient she had to draw blood for--a donor. A young man who put a gun to his head. His mother had to make the decision to withdraw life support, to say goodbye to her son, to make his choice to end his life mean that others could live. He was just twenty. Twenty.

Do you know how different my life is now, what a different person I am, now, at 27, than I was at 20? I wish someone could have explained to him how much he would change if he lived just another six months.

Time has slowed for me. I think a lot of it is due to the mundane days working can bring--getting up at 5 am, going to work, and coming home to read or watch television because I'm no longer young enough to party and still make it to work the next morning (not that I ever was). 9 PM is "past my bedtime" and now, 10:30 PM, is "staying up late." I may feel like an old lady most days but I like myself so much more now than I did when I was younger.

I've always been an outcast--one of the smart kids who learned to walk with her nose in a book without bumping into anything. Now? I'm still a geek. I still walk into walls and trip over things that aren't there. The biggest difference between and then is I have truly embraced who I have become. It's been a long road. It's taken years. But I like being different. I like that not everyone understands the Firefly reference on my car or the Penelope scarf I throw around my neck when it's cold, even if it doesn't match. Heck, I rarely match.

The little things I discovered about myself at fifteen created a foundation of the person I've become, no matter how awkward or off-the-wall. Those crazy socks I started wearing in gym in high school because I hated how the white ones showed dirt have developed into a whole drawer full, where the plain ones get pushed to the back for "emergencies," even if it means when I sit down to work my dress pants inch up a bit to show my Christmas socks in May or my rainbow socks when I'm wearing solid black (I'm too tall for "regular" and too short for "tall").

My childhood has established what comforts me now as well. I read so much when I was younger that I lived at the library. The last year has seen me find that within myself again to the point where every bookshelf I buy in an effort to curtail the piles of books that surround me only give me one more flat surface to hold more books, to make room for more piles.

Who I was at ten was, of course, vastly different when I blossomed into a teenager and became fifteen. At that age I expected to "find myself" in my twenties and have a "solid" knowledge of who I was and what my opinions were by the time I turned thirty. I knew I'd be a different person from who I was at fifteen and who I was when I graduated college.

I didn't realize I would become a different person between entering the work force and discovering how much I missed summer vacations. I didn't know that I would turn around one day and discover I had, somehow, become an adult. Except every age I've been is still inside me.

I'm five, giddy at the prospect of a road trip to see my grandparents and listen to their voices.

I'm ten, too afraid to sleep without a nightlight some nights to drive the monsters in the closet away, except now they're just shadows in my head.

I'm fifteen, an insecure high schooler who prefers to retreat into books rather than look her classmates in the face.

I'm twenty-four, a college graduate with a job, learning the financial responsibilities of a dog requiring medical attention and student loans that need to be paid back.

I'm twenty-six, my rose-colored glasses about fairy tales and happily-ever-afters torn from my face in a life-changing accident that somehow, through the protection of God, kept my family safe.

And now, I'm a 27 year old single woman who still lives at home because she has student loans and car payments and would have to live in a closet if she rented from someone and, gosh dang it, actually enjoys having her family around her. I'm the woman who has struggled through depression for the first time in order to find some sort of peace within herself, to find the joy she once had through rose-colored glasses, no matter how scratched they've become. I can't always see out of them but I know, because of what I've been through and the drastic changes in my life over the last ten years, that it will get better.

I've come full circle.

I still have 2 1/2 years to go before I'm 30. So much can happen in such a short time span. So much can change.

I wish that twenty year old boy could have discovered that about himself. I wish he could have held off just a little longer--just long enough to see that as much as he had grown between ten and fifteen, fifteen and twenty--he still had so much more growing to do.

Japan, Earthquakes & Tsunami's

2011-03-11T07:16:00.001-08:00

My heart is broken for Japan right now. What a terrifying place to be, how terrifying to know someone. My church has missionaries in Japan. I'm waiting for them to send out an email directly (I know someone in Japan who still has access to the internet) or for the church to send out an email.

Devastating does not begin to cover the lost of life that has been seen or will be seen. 300 bodies have washed up on one beach, towns have been wiped out, not to mention the damage to the buildings from the quake, and in the middle of everything they've had tsunamis.

I pray my friends in the wake of the tsunami and those experiencing warnings will be safe. It has hit Hawaii and we are waiting to find out if it will affect us here on the Central Coast. I don't think waves will reach the city I live in because we're a 20 to 30 minute drive from the ocean, however, we're close enough where we may be affected by power outages.

There is no praying or hoping for better circumstances with such a massive disaster. It's too late, the damage has been done. I only pray that those affected will come out stronger, will find safety and strength in the coming days, and that we can band together to get through it.

Heartsick

2011-03-06T23:05:00.000-08:00

I am heartbroken. My external hard drive decided to corrupt the most important files this weekend--my photographs. Ten years worth of photographs, gone, in a heartbeat. I did some research on the topic and I'm hoping they're still on there, that a professional can extrude the hard drive from the casing & still save save them--my thousands of photographs, my many gigs of my entire life. Apparently this is a common issue, one of which I knew nothing of. I just... I'm glad I got some of them printed, but wish I had continued my obsession and gotten more done.

The problem with this situation is that it's truly The Perfect Storm. I decided to give my desktop computer to my aunt and uncle, which was technically a backup of the majority of the photos on the external hard drive. I deleted them, clearing the computer to present them with a clean slate. And that's when my hard drive became corrupted. I did what I was supposed to do, I had my photos in several places. And yet...

Seagate (the brand of the external hard drive) wants $900 (per their online estimate), plus the purchase of another external hard drive to put them on. If a local professional cannot save my photographs, would something still be salvageable? Would my tax return cover the entire fee? I'm so saddened--I was hoping to pay off some of my credit card or, my biggest dream, to purchase the macro lens I've been wanting for so long. But what's the point in purchasing a lens to take photographs with if the photographs I've already taken are lost? That's a huge record of my life from the past few years, an important passion of mine, that potentially no longer exists. I can't recreate any of those moments.

I've been sick since the crash first occurred. My mom's trying to be encouraging, trying to show me the photos she still has and telling me not to give up, that someone might be able to save them. But what if they can't? What if it's just...gone?

I don't care about anything else on the driving. Nothing. Just, please... let my photos be recovered.

Nightmares

2011-01-22T12:54:00.001-08:00

Some days I wake up with an unexplainable fear pressing down on my chest and an intense desire for daylight. Last night was one of those nights.

I've been been lucky over the last year in that I have not had reoccurring nightmares of the even that occurred in February. However, my brain still insists on frightening me with other images.

It's well known that I'm sensitive. I'm not just a softie that cries over sweet commercials or someone that tends to take things personally. It's worse. Once an image is in my head it's difficult for me to get it out. Because of this I purposely shy away from crime shows (true crime & CSI shows alike), unwanted mysteries, and right before the accident I cut myself off from paranormal shows. The problem is some of that stuff is already in my head, hidden down deep, ready to pounce when I least expect it. This time, I knew it was coming, but I still didn't like it.

This week has included several long nights of weird dreams induced by Nyquil and various other cold-busting medications that inevitably left me loopy, light-headed and no less stuffed up than I started. I've dreamed I was texting co-workers in weird situations, my sister had smashed my car from end-to-end and I simply wanted to know why she was driving my car and not hers, and last night an morgue wove it's way so deeply into my subconscious I could not get away from it.

Those dreams disturb me--morgues, metal tables, blood, and unsolved crimes involving only parts of victims because the rest of the bodies were never uncovered. It doesn't take much to rattle me. In comparison, my sister stood by my side in my dream last night, and she was fascinated.

She listened with interest as the mortician described how a person had been in storage for four years, laying the frozen body on the metal table and displaying dissected layers, much like a cake, explaining how they were going to take core samples over the course of the next couple weeks before finally releasing the body for burial--but to who? For what? I pressed myself against the wall, both with fear & disgust at pushing myself against the potentially disease-ridden tiles, but I could not get away from it, not until my alarm sounded and my rainbow comforter signaled I was no longer in such a terrifying place.

The irritation I have received from these dreams this week, especially the one last night, is they've been so realistic. My sister majored in criminal justice, she owns hundreds of books on true crime and related subjects and has watched autopsies on the internet. She would be engaging and questioning the mortician if the scenario were real. I would have been horrified and frightened to stand in the doorway of a morgue--not only is it a place I have no desire to be near, but it's an area that I have no been handling well for the past year.

My reactions in the dream were true-to-life--the only difference is if I were living that dream, I wouldn't have gotten out of the car.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T23:40:00.000-08:00

I am a stuff person. I'm ashamed to admit it. I have a lot of things I don't need. I'm overly blessed in a number of ways and the amount of stuff I own is no exception. When I was younger Christmas used to be about adding to that stuff and replacing the old stuff with new stuff. Except as I grow older it's become less so.

It's become more about everything else, about things that matter:

Giving--even if it's giving of stuff. I enjoy giving gifts more than receiving, whether it's something I found I know my sister will enjoy, a trinket left on someone's desk at work to celebrate the holiday, or some other way. I know it's just stuff but sometimes that lets someone who feels forgotten know someone is thinking of them.

People--I enjoy spending time with family and friends. I enjoy talking, relaxing and laughing with those that I love. The older I become the less I feel the need to do something when they come over. I have stopped being antsy or distracted and have allowed myself to enjoy the company and conversation.

Traditions--Growing up I would sit back and watch other people make the magic happen. Now I'm the driving force behind some of what we do and I absolutely love it. The most into the Christmas holidays I get, even though it can sometimes be stressful, the more I enjoy it. I've done Christmas cards, cookie exchanges, gift exchanges, decorating the tree, even putting antlers and a red nose on my car. Some of it is based around stuff, but it isn't about the stuff itself.

I feel the non-stuff stuff I got into has shown me the love of people and the spirit of the holiday. I don't need the stuff anymore. I've outgrown the presents. I have everything I need: a warm bed, a loving family, and friends to spend time with. Christmas is about the experience itself--the love, the friendships, and the time spent with people I love.

Most importantly, all of this non-stuff stuff I have gotten into, especially this year, has shown me the true meaning of Christmas. Christ died to save our sins. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Savior, celebrating what He did for mankind. And, to me, the non-stuff stuff encompasses that very meaning.

My cousin unexpectedly attended the Christmas Eve service at church tonight with my aunt and uncle (not her parents), myself, and my mom. It was a combination of relatives that don't normally hang out in this particular combination and it was lovely. Afterward, we all went to dinner, where we laughed and spent time together until the restaurant closed. My cousin then came over to spend more time with my mom and I. It was a wonderful, unexpected night, and one I will remember not because it involved stuff, but because it involved family and created a wonderful Christmas Eve memory that I will always look back on with joy.

Merry Christmas, one and all, and may God bless you.

Playlists, Post #3

2010-12-12T20:19:00.001-08:00

Workout - I exercised to these songs when I had a gym membership last year. It's the most random mess of songs. This isn't dated because I was a member of the gym for about a year and a half so it constantly rotated. I stopped going sometime at the end of last year but am determined to start again next year and kept this list to use--though it needs updating again!

Dance, Dance - Fall Out Boy
The Beauty In Ugly - Jason Mraz
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyonce
Hot N Cold - Katy Perry
Love Song - Sara Bareilles
Five Minutes to Midnight - Boys Like Girls
Help Yourself - Tom Jones
Party Crowd - David Lee Murphy
7 Things - Miley Cyrus
A Whale of a Tale - Kirk Douglas
The End - Simple Plan
If I Never See Your Face Again - Maroon 5
You Don't Mess Around With Jim - Ty Herndon
Harder to Breathe - Maroon 5
Swing, Swing - All American Rejects
Sugar, We're Goin' Down - Fall Out Boy

Undated - Most of these playlists were created by making "On the Go" playlists directly on my iPod, which I would later date the next time I updated it. This playlist must have been created before my car accident, perhaps in January 2010, because I haven't updated my iPod since December 2009, and the playlist my sister created to listen to that night was created on a second On the Go playlist.

East to West - Casting Crowns
What if His People Prayed - Casting Crowns
If We Are the Body - Casting Crowns
Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns
Who Am I - Casting Crowns
Lifesong - Casting Crowns
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
Does Anybody Hear Her - Casting Crowns
Cry On My Shoulder - Overflow
You're Not My God - Keith Urban
Might to Save -Hillsong
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) - Chris Tomlin
Jesus Messiah - Chris Tomlin
In Christ Alone - Brian Littrell
Your Grace Is Enough - Chris Tomlin
My Savior, My God - Aaron Shust
Before the River Came - 4Him
What is This Feeling? - Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel (from Wicked)
Popular - Kristin Chenoweth (from Wicked)
Dancing Through Life - Norbert Leo Butz, Kristin Chenoweth (from Wicked)
I'm Not That girl - Idina Menzel (from Wicked)
Defying Gravity - Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel (from Wicked)
As Long As You're Mine - Norbert Leo Butz & Norbert Leo Butz

Dawn - I'm a nerd. I "collect" songs with my name in them. There isn't many here because I lost it in my last update, but I'm determined to start again!

What About Now - Daughtry
It's a New Year (Just Get Along) - Sister Hazel
Party Crowd - David Lee Murphy
Diggin' Up Bones - Randy Travis
Glory - Stephen Covell

Playlists, Post #2

2010-12-12T20:08:00.001-08:00

It's easy to see when you compare my next few playlists that I'm not too original when it comes to listening to my music. Commericals irritate me so I don't discover new songs on a regular basis, not unless my sister sends me something or I happen across one on YouTube. These songs don't have any meaning to me, not like most of the Broken Hearts playlist, I just liked them. You can even track when I went back to listen to old playlists and just added a few new favorites in that I hadn't discovered or hadn't been released as the months go on.

December 2008

Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) - Beyonce - This is still one of my favorite songs! It's so perky and so fun!
Boston - Augustana - I'm ashamed to admit when I discovered this song it was the same weekend I was reading the Twilight saga--yes, all 4 in one weekend. I pretty much had this song on repeat. This means whenever I hear the song I think of that series. At least I was reading!
Hot N Cold -Katy Perry - It took a lot for me to decide to buy this on iTunes--I hated her first single so much!
Champagne High - Sister Hazel
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray - At some point I decided I want to listen to this song while sitting on a cable car in San Francisco. It has not happened yet.
Remember When It Rained - Josh Groban - I still make a point to listen to this song when it rains, ambiance and all that. Again, I'm such a nerd.
Never Think - Rob Pattinson - I like the quiet rhythm of this song and when I first heard it I didn't realize it was Rob Pattinson--though I can still say I liked him as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter!
Indiana - Jon McLaughlin
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You - Michael Bolton
Ever The Same - Rob Thomas
Breathe (2 AM) - Anna Nalick
Breathe - Michelle Branch - This is my favorite Michelle Branch song of all time.
Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback
Ready To Fall - Joey Fatone

May 2009

The Climb - Miley Cyrus - Go ahead. Judge me. I already warned you I'm a dork.
Bless The Broken Road [Acoustic] - Rascal Flatts
Light On - David Cook
I Do Not Hook Up - Kelly Clarkson - I was watching a lot of What the Buck on YouTube and he decided this was going to be the Summer Song. I got stuck on it.
Don't Walk Away - Miley Cyrus
Ain't No Rest for the Wicked - Cage the Elephant
The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
Won't Even Start - David Choi - I discovered David Choi on YouTube & became obsessed with this song. I mistakenly sent it to my sister who fell in love with David Choi. And overplayed him. I don't much listen to him anymore. He's in the category with artist Tiffany--I can only stand so much before it grates my nerve (think like 30 seconds).
18 Days - Saving Abel
Before The Worst - The Script
Shattered [Turn the Car Around] - O.A.R.
A Little Too Not Over You - David Archuleta
Never Think - Rob Pattinson
Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade
Apologize - OneRepublic & Timbaland
Headstrong - Trapt
Come On - Ben Jelen
Nothing Ever Hurt Like You - James Morrison
The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison
Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCartney - I love this song! It's how I want someone to feel about me. And I get excited every time I hear it.
Ever the Same - Rob Thomas
Breaking My Own Heart - Duffy
Rain On Your Parade - Duffy
Breathe - Michelle Branch

August 2009 - Here I seem to have re-discovered my Dec '08 playlist.

The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
Boston - Augustana
Indiana - Jon McLaughlin
Apologize - OneRepublic & Timbaland - I discovered the wonders of Chuck & Blair from Gossip Girl on YouTube. Someone created a montage of the couple using this song. I've still never seen an entire episode but I've kept myself up to date on their coupledom status. (I'd be ashamed of this, but I was hooked on General Hospital last summer, which is probably worse...)
Warwick Avenue - Duffy
Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
Love Song - Hanson
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyonce
You Can Let Go - Backstreet Boys
Lost - Michael Buble
Ever the Same -Rob Thomas
Delayed Devotion - Duffy
Shattered - Backstreet Boys
Breathe - Michelle Branch
Can't Lose What You Never Had - Westlife
Hot N Cold - Katy Perry
A Song to Sing - Hanson
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) - Chris Tomlin
Champagne High - Sister Hazel
New Classic - Drew Seeley & Selena Gomez (from Another Cinderella Story)
Remember When It Rained - Josh Groban
So Close - Jon McLaughlin
Might to Save - Hillsong

December 2009

How Do You Sleep? - Jesse McCartney, ft. Ludacris
Fireflies - Owl City
Phenomenon - Stephen Covell
Down - Jay Sean
Fly Me Away - Annie Little
Second Chance - Shinedown
If You Only Knew - Shinedown
Fallin' For You - Colbie Caillat

Playlists, Post #1

2010-12-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

Over the next few days I'll be discussing a few playlists I've played out on my iPod. I love that I've dated some-it takes me back to that time.

Broken Heart -- This playlist isn't dated but I remember the time just the same. It's the one true time I felt heartbreak. Looking back it was silly, I was young, but it threw me into a small bout of depression just the same. I made this playlist to allow myself to float in my sorrows. I'm fairly certain I added to it at a later date, so it's actually older than a couple of the songs indicate.

I called it Broken Heart, but honestly, I haven't really had my heart broken, only bruised, and this was the worst bruise I received so far. And I might have been just a tad dramatic about it.

You Don't Know Me - Michael Buble - I felt like this was my "theme song" during this time. The guy I was so heartbroken over really didn't know me very well, if at all, and I decided this would be my mantra.
Alejate - Josh Groban - This is sung in Spanish and I sing it like I'm making up my own words. I honestly can't pronounce a single line correctly, but it's still one of my favorites. And yes, it's about a broken heart.
Champagne High - Sister Hazel - Another song I decided suited my situation perfectly. This is about a guy watching the girl he's fallen in love with not only fall in love with someone else, but get married to him.
I Still... - Backstreet Boys - The song title says it all.
Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt - I had decided this particular guy was "the one," and this song explained everything. Looking back I kind of want to smack myself upside the head.
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - John Mayer - This is about a relationship falling apart and while it didn't apply, I decided it made me emotional enough to add to the list.
The Hardest Thing - 98 Degrees - Don't tell me when you're going through something you don't go back to high school and listen to the same angsty songs from when you were a teen?
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5 - I decided I wanted someone to sing this to me.
She's Out of My Life - Josh Groban - When I was in high school 98 Degrees sang this song--it wasn't until Josh Groban sang it that I found out it was a remake.
I Love You Came Too Late - Joey McIntyre - Another song I decided fit my situation perfectly. It so didn't.
Your Winter - Sister Hazel - This song is still awesome.
Love Song - Hanson - Yet another "she's gone, what have I done" type song. I prefer male singers so even though I was heartbroken over a guy, these are the type of things I listened to.
Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer - Another emotionally charged song I decided I identify with. I still love this one to bits.
Crazy - Patsy Cline - There's nothin' like a classic to drown your sorrows in.
Could've Been Me - Billy Ray Cyrus - Yeah, I told you it was a rather pathetic time for me. (I say that in the kindest way possible.)
If I Let You Go - Westlife - This song suited the situation best, I think. It's about wondering if he should tell the girl how he feels. It's easiest not to, but if he doesn't let her know, how will he ever find out if she feels the same about him? Although, mine was an obvious no. See: next song.
I'm Not That Girl - Idina Menzel (from Wicked) - It's kind of a clue they're not interested in you when they start dating another girl. I'm almost certain this is where I started adding songs to the list even though my bruised heart had been healed.
Warwick Avenue - Duffy - This is an emotionally charged song that I still love, except this is about a girl leaving.
Anything Goes - Randy Houser - She's gone so he stops caring about the destruction he's causing to himself. I would like to point out I kept myself in check.
Apologize - OneRepublic & Timbaland - Why wouldn't you add this to a broken heart playlist?
So Close - Jon McLaughlin - If you haven't seen Enchanted then you will never understand the full meaning of this song. HOLY. MOLY. I cry every time. (I'm a sucker for fairy tales--even fairy tales gone wrong.)
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You - Michael Bolton - Someone sang this on American Idol and I decided that short clip wasn't long enough. So I bought my first (and last) Michael Bolton song.
Something That I Already Know - Backstreet Boys - No broken heart list is complete without fifteen million BSB songs.
What If - Kate Winslet - This song is about a girl wondering what would be if she hadn't parted from her love.
Almost Doesn't Count - Brandy - Ha! This was my "broken heart" theme song from a crush my freshman year of high school. I'm such a dork.
Broken Vow - Josh Groban - I probably added this song, as well as the next two, because they blatantly belong on the playlist.
What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts
Last Thing On My Mind - Ronan Keating & LeAnn Rhimes
Crush - David Archuleta - My sister got me hooked on this song and somewhere along the line I decided it fit in here.

'Tis The Season

2010-12-11T22:28:00.001-08:00

Christmas is nearly here! I'm quite excited about it. I'm even more excited that I'm excited about it. Even just a few weeks ago I didn't expect to look forward to Christmas as much as I do now. I was so into Christmas last year and I was so down this year that I thought I was just going to let it pass me by. I'm happy to say that is not the case!

As the veil that was thrown over my life in February has slowly lifted I've learned to enjoy things again and the holiday season is a wonderful way to start.

There are a lot of little things I'm looking forward to or already love about Christmas this year:

A cookie exchange my cousin is hosting later this month
Making gifts for family & friends
Setting my advent calendar up for my sister to check each day (last year she spoiled me and I got a little surprise every day)
Sending out Christmas cards (which I will get ready to mail out for Monday morning)
The after-Christmas sales--and not for the same reasons everyone else is. I always pick up a few more ornaments or decorations I had my eye on through the season, but for cheaper. I picked up my advent calendar in the after-Christmas sales in 2008.
I added some amazing striped glass Christmas trees to my tree collection that my sister spotted at JC Penney's--on sale!
The Christmas tree is a "mini-me." The way it ended up every ornament I own is on the tree. And I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty cool for me. Next year I'll make sure more of everyone else's ornaments are on the tree, but for now I'm going to enjoy it. (That's not to say the decorating wasn't a family event! My sister doesn't enjoy tree decorating so my parents & I did it while she was at work.)
There is nothing like sitting in a darkened living room with only Christmas tree lights shining.
My Christmas shopping is nearly done. I still have lots of wrapping to do, but I'm really excited for everyone to open the gifts I've selected for them.
Christmas music! I'm the weirdo that will listen to it whenever I want, no matter what month it is, but it's fun to hear it out in public.
Snowflakes. I love snowflakes but it's neat to find them out in abundance.
Church. I love church any time of the year, but there's something extra special about it during the holidays.

It's Just Like Riding A Bike...

2010-11-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

I rode a bike today. For maybe a minute. In Costco. That is so unlike me--and so what? It was hilarious and awesome and fun.

I want to go on a bike ride pretty badly. I've wanted to for a while, but I haven't owned a bike since maybe middle school. There's nowhere around here that's really safe to ride one, either, and can I really justify buying a bike to drag it to Monterey to go up and down a trail a couple of times? After today I might be able to.

It's kind of like flying, only without the heights...and maybe a little bit of wobbling. A combination of not riding in years and having very little space to do it caused me nearly to crash into the aisles while my mom stood and laughed at me (in a good way). They say you never forget how to ride a bike. That may be true, I haven't forgotten, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was actually doing it.

It was a moment of silly that I might never have done Before. I'm pretty self conscious but I wanted to ride the bike so bad. So I actually did it. You have to understand how huge this is for me--I even looked straight at some lady and grinned while I was wobbling around.

I'm still searching for little moments of happy, finding things I can enjoy even just for a couple of minutes. I think it's helping. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I may not be able to sit here and say, "I'm so happy with life!!," there's still a lot to work through, but I can at least look back over the last week and know I have found small sunbeams of happiness that have broken through this dark, heavy cloud that's surrounded me the last few months.

The sunshine gives me hope that one day the storm clouds will pass. They may never go away completely, they may reappear every once in a while as sad things are apt to do, but I look forward to it. I can deal with occasional bouts of sadness if I'm generally happy again. And that makes me happy.

Playlists

2010-11-15T21:52:00.000-08:00

I like looking back on playlists I keep on my iPod. I even date most of the "quick list" ones I make. It takes you back in time when you think about how often you listen to some of the songs, and what you were feeling as one played.

But there's one I need to take off my iPod. It's unsettling that it's on there, which saddens me. My sister made it intending it to be enjoyable. But I know where we stopped on the playlist and I can't bring myself to listen to it. I can't listen to the song that was playing.

I am keeping here if, some day, I want to look back for some reason. Perhaps I'll see if it will jolt my memory. But for now--I don't want it to. I've blocked a lot out, for a reason, and I don't want to see if listening to the song will bring back any more memories than have already come to light.

That Girl - David Choi
Fireflies - Owl City
You Don't Mess Around With Jim - Ty Herndon
Keep You Much Longer - Akon
A Whole New World - Brad Kane & Lea Salonga
Ticks - Brad Paisley
Good Girls Go Bad - Cobra Starship (Featuring Leighton Meester)
A Little Too Not Over You - David Archuleta
I'll Make A Man Out Of You - Donny Osmond
Lips of An Angel - Hinder
Down - Jay Sean
I Love You Came Too Late - Joey McIntyre
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - Mary Poppins
Sexyback - Justin Timberlake
What If - Kate Winslet
Girl on TV - LFO
Haven't Met You Yet -Michael Buble
Hoedown Throwdown - Miley Cyrus
Apologize - One Republic
Everything That I Own (Has Got A Dent) - Randy Travis
Bartender Song (Sittin' At A Bar) - Rehab
Never Think - Rob Pattinson
When You Say Nothing At All -Ronan Keating
Wanna Be Bad -Willa Ford
Toes - Zac Brown Band
Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3

This is the first time I've looked at the entire list. 9 months, and this is the first time I've looked at everything that we should have heard that night. It makes me want to cry. Not just because of what we didn't hear, and how our lives changed, but because my sister knows me so well. She put some of my favorite songs on here that she knows I like singing along to, not just hers, because she wanted to do something fun together.

1/2 Done With NaNoWriMo!

2010-11-14T20:03:00.001-08:00

Or, I was as of four days ago. I'm ashamed--I haven't written anything since I hit my 25,000 word mark. I need to sit down and continue on but I haven't felt the drive to work on it. Admittedly, I haven't felt a drive for anything the last few days, so maybe that's part of it. I've been so exhausted.

I completely upset my room on Friday and still haven't put it back together. I pulled out the containers from under my bed with plans to re-arrange things in them and tuck more away since one of them is 1/2 full, but I just haven't had the umph. At this point, I need to do it tomorrow so I can have my room back--and access to my dresser--but it's so easy to just flop on the bed with a book instead.

I also have a few small Christmas gifts that need to be wrapped up so they're not accidentally seen, but again, I've had no motivation for that. I hate this feeling of forcing myself to do things. I wish I was someone who was excited to, or at least more motivated to. I'm sure not many people get excited at the prospect of cleaning.

I might open up my NaNoWriMo and check it out, procrastinate some more, and then continue to read North & South. I've finished my 2nd week in my readalong for that and now have a strong desire to see the miniseries.

I'm fairly certain this post was pointless.

The Little Things

2010-11-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

I need to focus more on the little things, and being happy about the little things. The accident, if you recall, "sucked the happy out" of everything. In JK Rowling's interview with Oprah she described the Dementors and what they do as this:
“It’s so difficult to describe [depression] to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness,” Jo says. “I know sadness. Sadness is to cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling—that really hollowed-out feeling. That’s what Dementors are.”

Hearing her description really hit home with me. I've been there. I've been there, in that deep, dark void where nothing touches your soul. I've had my soul torn apart by my own personal Dementor. Harry himself explained what his cousin, Dudley, was feeling after the Dementors attacked them in a similar fashion. He said Dementors make you feel as "if you'd never be happy again."

I had trouble allowing anything to touch me. I couldn't smile because it felt so wrong, couldn't laugh and couldn't enjoy anything. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just...do nothing. Existing took too much energy. When I looked out I saw only black. There is no other way to describe that period of my life.

Thankfully, the further time takes me from my Dementor, the closer I feel to the sun. I am finding things to be happy about, and learning to be silly and giddy again. I'm not quite there, but that's okay. I'm so much farther along than I thought I would be.

One of the things that's helped me is I'm re-learning what makes me happy. My challenge to read 50 Books in one year has propelled me along through most of the depression and gave me an escape. Even though books I read that had to do with accidents and suicide were therapeutic--they put words to a lot of what I was feeling. I feel as if I've gotten back to the core of who I am by picking up books. I've read 3 books in the last week and have 2 more going (I'm doing a readalong with North & South by Elizabeth Gaskell so I have certain chapters to read over the course of a month).

NaNoWriMo is also helping ignite my passion for writing again. I'm fully aware my first draft of the novel I am attempting to write sucks. I'm very unhappy with it, and at times I feel like I'm having to pull my daily writing out of me, but at the same time I'm already looking to rewriting the second draft. (I've also been following a Numberless Calendar and journaling for over 30 days at this point...the personal journaling is very different from writing for NaNoWriMo, and therapeutic in it's own way.)

I haven't truly been giddy over anything in a very long time. I used to get giddy and jump up and down and be dorky when I got excited over something. My mom and I used to grasp each other's arms and jump up and down when we got really happy over something. We've done that a couple of times, but it hasn't been the same. I look forward to when I can reach that place again.

One of my favorite things to be excited about was to go to concerts. The accident stole that from me; not just because of having to go on the highway, but because I'd have to pass the spot to get to the HP Pavilion, where the majority of concerts I go to are held. The other day I was talking to my mom about the NKOTBSB concert (I'm showing my dork here!) and I actually felt excited about the prospect of going to it. I was so close to giddy I almost got up to jump up and down.

I love that feeling. I don't care how nerdy I am or how insane it is to get excited over the weird things I get excited over. I love it because it tells me who I am and that I really love whatever it is I'm getting giddy over. I feel like that one moment pulled me a little closer to the light.

I know I'm not going to be the same person I was Before. Too much has happened. I'm just excited that it looks like there's going to be a Before, During, and After. I don't have to define my life in terms of Before and After. I'm a different person than I was nine months ago, and I'm still in mourning for the Before me. But this After me isn't going to be the same person I am as the During me. It's a transition phase from the old me to the new me, one in which I'm learning new things about myself and how to cope with what has happened. But this is not going to be who I am for the rest of my life--it might define me for the moment, "During" the transition, but the After me will be stronger. I'm determined I will be.

I'm also determined to enjoy being me more; to be as geeky as I want, to care less of what others think of me, and to just like myself more in general, dang it.

That was kind of all over the place but at least it made sense to me.

Personal Torture

2010-11-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

I keep insulting myself. And it's all NaNoWriMo's fault.

I keep telling myself I suck, that I'm not going to finish, that i can't do it. I'm 13,000 words in and actually a bit ahead of the game, but I still feel like a failure. What is it with me? Why am I treating this like a school essay rather than something I enjoy? I want to enjoy this process but my procrastination is making it simply painful.

It's 11:20 PM and I still have over 1,000 words to write to reach my goal of 1,667 a day. 1,667 a day is the average you need in order to reach 50,000 words. Even though I'm a bit ahead I've decided to still write a minimum of 1,667 so if something comes up and I have to skip a day, I'm covered. I think I've written 400.

This was easier the other night when my sister was home, egging me on. "500 more words? That's it? You could do that, no problem! You can do that in twenty minutes. So quit talking and start typing." Maybe a bit aggressive, but at least she thinks I can do it.

The story sucks, by the way. Not the story itself but just what I've written. I decided on day 2 that I was going to change it from third person to first person. I was so far in by then I'm still writing in third person. I figure I will change everything to first person when I de-suckify the book. After NaNoWriMo is over, after November. I don't even want to say "In December" because it may be that I need to shove the book into some deep, dark crevasses of my computer and not look at it for a few months in order to gain some distance from it.

I'm writing a book. A novel. I feel like an idiot. I've said all my life I want to write a book and now that I'm actually doing it, I have no faith in it. It sucks too much to have faith in it at this stage. Do all writers feel that way? I swear, I really do feel like it has potential, but it feels like a long way from there.

I feel like I'm writing a lot of nothing and don't know how it's going to carry the story on. Usually, though, I rush through my storyline so fast that it ends up too short. I've also heard that 50% of what you write usually ends up in the trash when a book is edited, so maybe too much than not enough is better in this case.

And now, I have to go finish my goal in the next half hour before midnight. I'm ashamed to say I've written more here in the ten minutes it's taken me to write this entry than all day staring at my novel.

An Odd Sort of Girl

2010-10-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

I attempted to be social last night--and I say that because, even at my age, I'm awkward. I'm an insecure and I have problems speaking to people I don't know. I'm still shy and I do my best conversing in word--be it letters, journals, blogs, emails, school assignments or message boards. I feel incompetent at times when I talk, whereas when I write I have the luxury of taking the time to think of what I want to say before I compose something.

I don't connect well to other people. It's rare for me to find someone else I "click" with, and I'm insecure enough where I think people put up with my company rather than enjoy it. I know it's partly my fault for not "putting myself out there," but to be honest, I'm a homebody and an introvert. I'm more comfortable at home than exerting myself and spending time with people. I recharge my batteries by hanging out at home, even if people come over, as long as I'm home. How do you meet people when you prefer to meet someone who wants to stay in?

After the accident I craved human interaction. I was terrified to be alone. The longest period of "alone time" for me was the ten minutes in the car on the way to and from work. I longed to be with people not just so I wouldn't be alone, but so I could connect with them--but how do you connect with someone that doesn't understand what you've gone through? Home was the safest place--my mom and sister were there. They understand.

I've come to enjoy my time alone, my time at home now. I still enjoy being out and about sometimes (as awkward as I am, I did enjoy my time as the Blue Power Ranger last night at a Halloween party). I'm learning to be productive in my own ways, to fill my time alone with things I truly enjoy. I've been writing a lot of letters, making it a point to send cards often to my favorite aunt whose health has been lacking.

I've spent a lot of time reading this year, something I obsessively did when I was younger and it feels like I've gained a part of myself back. I'm finding the same thing with writing.

Perhaps it means I'm meant to just be in my own little world for a while, just to keep to myself and find out how to enjoy basic things that make me content. Maybe it's that I feel safer? I don't know, but I hate how everything comes back to that night. I want to do something and not have it come back to that night--I want to go one day without thinking of that night. This wasn't supposed to go back to that night--it was supposed to be about how socially awkward I am and how I'm becoming more content at being alone, and I've just turned it around. Again. When will I be healed?

Weirdo

2010-09-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

I'm in a weird place right now. So much has happened over the last year, so much damage has been done, and I'm still trying to come out of it "normal." My mom read something that said after a trauma or winning the lottery (who came up with this??) that a person's level of happiness goes back to what it was before the incident after about two years. Two years. It's been seven months. I still have a year and a half before my normal level of happiness comes back. That's what I miss most--being carefree, worrying about silly things, and being able to find delight in something simple. Sometimes I have a moment like that, but then I remember. When am I going to stop remembering? When is this black cloud going to lift?

I should clarify I don't feel like I'm depressed anymore. I was shocked when my therapist told me I was depressed. Me? Depressed? I'm the happy twin! Apparently happy dispositions come out a bit mangled after traumatic events. But I still want to stop thinking about it. I don't want to hear the impact anymore. I don't want to remember my mother screaming. I don't want to remember what I sounded like when my mom played the answering machine back after we got home. I don't want to look for people on the side of the road, don't want to feel the impulse to throw photos of the car at kids that insist on walking in the road when the perfectly good sidewalk is five steps away. I don't want to think these things anymore.

My therapist says I'm blocking things out. My therapist. I never thought I'd say that. I know it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me, except there is. How do you handle this without speaking with a pastor, without reading every book you can get your hands on where the main character deals with a car accident or a death? How do you handle something this major without talking to people about it, talking through it? If I had to keep all this bottled up inside I think I might explode. I've cracked a couple of times--even had my first nervous breakdown. The car anxiety is a bit more under control, though I still have my moments, but good luck trying to make me drive on the highway or go anywhere further than the next town over.

Right now I'm content to stay at home, in my room, with my paranoia staring at me from the darkest corner of my room. At least I don't feel like he is standing there anymore, watching me. I'm not even sure where that feeling came from right after the accident--like he was always there, as if his decision to do what he did wasn't enough, but he had to haunt us, too. It's always there, always the first thing on my mind, but most days I don't feel like it's going to jump out and scream at me. I know, it's all mixed up--on one hand it weighs on me, but on another there's hope. I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on/And there will be an end to these troubles

I have some hope. I don't feel as broken as before. Kind of like I started gluing myself back together and even though the pieces don't fit quite the same way, for now it's holding. I'm at least getting a handle on myself.

It's weird, in the midst of the storm I'm figuring out what makes me happy. In the middle of spending the majority of my time, feeling too scared to walk out of the house, I'm still finding my way.

I'm becoming healthier. I'm surprised at how easy it's been--so far. I know that it will become a challenge sooner rather than later, but right now what I'm doing is working. It's weird watching my clothes start to bag--I'm not shrinking, am I? My clothes are just... growing? Where'd those cheekbones come from? I don't feel it, I can't tell when I look in the mirror, but I desperately need a belt. I feel like I'm visiting someone else's body. It's an odd feeling. Did I mention I stole my sister's jacket? I fit in my sister's jacket. If this keeps going another year, I'm going to Disneyland.

I am also more determined to write. I'm starting slow--jotting down ideas, writing everyday, just as long as it's something. I want to be an author and I've waited long enough. My best friend sent me this amazing TED talk on having a genius, not being a genius. About having a daemon. Takes the pressure off to be amazing. I don't know which of my writings I'm going to take and fully expand on, but I'm working on getting over the feeling of being afraid to suck. As author Maureen Johnson puts it, I am going to dare to suck. And, if someone wants to read something I wrote, maybe I'll have the confidence to hand it over instead of being embarrassed that I want to be a writer. How can I be a writer if I won't let anyone read what I write?

I'm off to bed now. It's past my bedtime. Because I get up at 5:15 in the morning to be to work by 6 am. I'm a night owl. How in the world have I managed to get to work so early for five years? (For those of you wanting an answer, I'll give it to you. But you can't judge me. Because when you get up as early as I do it becomes a necessity: naps. Just as my co workers.)

Hello, World...

2010-09-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't written much. I don't write much in general, except in my journal when I have nightmares (my therapist wants copies). I know I need to work on that. Especially since I keep buying and being given paper journals (some of my favorite things--and yes, I do fully expect to fill them all one day!). I think I'll keep one in my purse and write down positive things, and thing I enjoy--I hate having my counseling appointment, then looking back and only remembering the bad. There has to be more than stress and nightmares in my life--I know there is! The nightmares don't come frequently, aside from around the 6 month mark of the accident, and as long as I'm not on the freeway then I'm not as anxious. For example--I got to see someone I used to babysit in church when he was two today--my favorite one. That made my week--and that's something I most definitely won't forget.

Oy vey.

2010-07-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

Sunday was my best friend's birthday and she wanted to go hiking. I said OK--we went to the Pinnacles. Hilary went up to the caves with one friend while me and Kristina and I stayed at ground level and walked around a bit. We went down a path for 1/2 an hour and then it got hot--really hot. Turns out it was 120 degrees the day before and no one told us. Otherwise Kristina & I would have just hung out and had a picnic in the shade while her and the other friend went up to the caves. So, Kris & I went down the path for 1/2 an hour and turned around and came back--which took an hour. It was so hot. We drank a LOT of water and ate some cucumbers I brought with me, and used the icepacks I'd packed to keep the water cool to keep us cool, but it was still hot. We stopped to rest every few feet--literally. We were so relieved to make it back to the shade.

We weren't sitting for long when Hilary & the other friend showed up so we sat down for about 1/2 an hour and had a picnic. Hilary & I were literally pouring water on our heads and drank more water and ate lunch of a Subway sandwich and fruit. We must have been sitting for at least half an hour, and then it was time to go. So we stood up...slowly, because I was still feeling exhausted. That's apparently when I said "I feel faint" and then...I fainted. Kristina said it was very graceful, which is hilarious coming from me since I'm so klutzy. The ground was sharp asphalt and I ended up scraping up the right side of my body & hitting my head.

I don't remember much from the actual event itself, including saying I feel faint and then fainting... They said I was only out for a few seconds and then they sat me up against the wall and said I had to drink something, and Hilary had to keep pushing me down because I didn't understand I had just fainted and I shouldn't stand up. I don't remember that--I remember looking up and asking Kristina where my glasses were and feeling like I'd just woken up from a nap. I think I blacked out again there because the next thing I knew I was in the car, air conditioner on my face, holding a wet paper towel, buckled in and we were half way out of the National park and not remembering how I got there or what had happened--Kristina & Hilary said I'd been asking what happened and apologizing, saying I'd never fainted before, but I don't remember anything until I suddenly "woke up" in the car, even though I was conscious.. From that point on I remember everything.

I texted my mom from a gas station while Hilary ran in for cold water to give me, and she bought me m&m's thinking it might have been a diabetic thing. I had texted mom I fainted and she called me, but I passed the phone to Hilary, and when I got it back Mom asked if I wanted to go to the doctor just in case. So we drove home and Hilary kept me awake, and when we got back home we pretty much dumped my backpack in the house and turned around and went straight to the ER.

I had a lot of tests--bloodwork, urine testing, EKG and a CAT scan--to make sure I was okay, especially since we weren't sure how hard I hit my head since no one caught me when I fell (Kristina tried, poor thing! She was turned 1/2 way around when I fainted and did her best to catch me but couldn't make it). Everything came out fine--my bloodwork is fine, I don't have diabetes (which I get tested for every couple of years just in case, which came out negative last year), my heart is fine, my liver is good, and my CAT scan came out negative, which means, yes, I have a brain, and no, nothing's wrong with it. :) The hospital gave me an IV of fluids which made me feel a TON better once those were in my system, and they cleaned out my wounds. I also got a tetnus shot--which I think was the worst! My arm is STILL sore. No wonder I was trying to go the whole 10 years without one!

I had gotten carsick on the way up and since I took a Dramamine it dried me out, which I've been taking for years and had no idea, and so since it was hot, even though I was drinking a lot of water, it still wasn't enough. I was twice as dehydrated as the friends I was with. The doctor said when you're cold, your veins are small, and when you're hot they expand. Well, since I was dehydrated, when I stood up there wasn't enough water in my for the blood to fill up the veins, which means no oxygen was getting to my brain, which made me pass out. I woke up in a few seconds because when I hit the ground, the oxygen got to where it needed to go.

So, I was given a clean bill of health and told to make a followup appointment with my regular doctor in a couple of days, and sent home with a 2 day pass from work. I ended up going back to work Tuesday but I slept all day Monday, and I think I really needed it. And other than being scraped up and sore, I was okay.

Then Wednesday I realized I couldn't see very well looking down, but I thought maybe I just had something in my eye. When I woke up yesterday, Thursday, I realized I couldn't see very well looking down because I was having to look over my cheek, which was swollen. Under my eye was also yellow, like it was bruising. I called the doctor and made my followup appointment and saw him this morning. He said the bruising is normal--since I hit my head the blood has no where to go but down, so it fills the space under your eye. Some people get completely black eyes, so far mine's just a sickly yellow, so I hope that means it's healing and it won't get too bad. He did say not to be surprised if my cheek turned yellow, too. So I'm healing normally, just taking it easy and being careful. I think if it weren't for the Dramamine I wouldn't have fainted, I would have just been hot, so I'm kicking myself for taking it.

Right now I'm just a bit sore--my right knee got scraped up (I was in pedal pushers), my elbow & hand are all scraped up, and the worst is my head. I've scraped a couple spots on my forehead but there's a big lump where I hit the ground, and it kind of feels like I put in a hairclip too tight, only I can't take it out. And my arm. The darned tetanus shot has made it SO SORE, but it's tons better than it was yesterday and I have been making sure to move it around--last time I got a tetanus shot I didn't move my arm & ended up with my arm stuck in the "down" position for a week because it hurt too bad to lift it up. There's also a slight headache that hasn't gone away yet--the doctor said that's normal, though, and the headache's actually better now than it was at the beginning of the week, so it hasn't gotten worse, and I'm not dizzy or nauseous.

Mom said it looks like I got in a fight and lost, and it sure feels like it. The ground definitely won this battle!

I'm doing okay, just had a rough week (heck, it's been a rough year, as my manager pointed out--I've officially used all my sick time at work & this cut into my vacation time!)

Reading in Style

2010-07-07T23:42:00.001-07:00

I have read 32 books for my 50 book challenge this year, leaving me with a bit under 6 months to complete the challenge. Considering I read one book last month I really have to get the ball rolling! Tomorrow I'm going to start the much-anticipated Hunger Games. I started reading City of Bones, and am determined to finish it as well as the two that follow, but I am having such an issue getting into it.

One reason I'm so behind on the challenge (I thought I'd be a few books ahead of where I am now) is because when I read I have to read. I am committed to that book if I fall in love with it and I will sit for hours until I finish it, even if it means staying up until one in the morning and getting up at five in the morning for work. City of Bones is an exception because I'm reading it a little at a time, but in general I get so sucked into books that I forgo everything in order to finish them in one go.

Starting tomorrow I am going to try to change that. I need my sleep (me crashing at 6pm for a nap and sleeping for three hours instead of napping shows that) but I still want to read. So, beginning tomorrow I am going to commit to reading at least one chapter a night and still going to bed at a proper hour! I have a lot of stuff I need to get done, I've committed to writing more (both actual book writing and letter writing, so if you want a letter or card just let me know!) so there's a lot to get going.

I'm working on making myself happy again. It's been a rough year and I don't want that one day in February to define me, I don't want to feel the weight of anothers decision on my shoulders. I don't want it to affect me the way it's been affecting me and I need to bring joy into my life to find "me" again. I know I'll never be the same person but I can bring some of those elements that made the old me into this new me. I feel that letter writing, book writing, reading and planning a trip to England (as explained in my last post) is in the core of who I am. It's not just something I want to do, these are things I have to do. These are some of the things that define me.

How Trippy!

2010-07-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

My sister & I decided we're going on a trip next year. Our goal is England for 2 weeks, but if we see we're doing a really good job saving we might put it off until 2012 and go to Salem, MA instead (the more money we have for a trip abroad the less nervous I will feel!). I'm just excited to even plan it. My best friend and I have been saying for several years now we'd go to England together (she's a world traveler) but we've never made the move to actually plan a trip. I looked into a trip guide once and got information from him, but it stopped there. I don't want to turn 30 and then 40 and then 50 and wish I had gone when I had the time and the extra money (not that I have extra money...this is involving a lot of saving!)

Val & I are hoping to make the first move tomorrow by applying for our Passports. My manager was talking today and told someone the price goes up $10 to apply on Tuesday so now is a good time as any! It's really something I should have done years ago. The total cost is $100 because I have to get a passport book. I'm super excited about this! I've already saved nearly $900, though I'll be using $100 to pay for the passport. I wasn't going to but, honestly, that's why I saved the money! For my trip! And this, my friends, is the first step in planning the trip.

You have to put your destination on the passport so we chose May and decided on England, Ireland, Scotland and France. We'll probably end up just doing England and a bit of France (I would just like to see the Eiffel Tower, perhaps the Louvre, and the Moulin Rouge depending on where it is in relation to everything, so just a day or so in France and the rest in England).

My sister and I are really into Jane Austen and so those points of interest are a must for us (something was seriously missing in my life before my discovery of her, and I have to give credit to Colin Firth for that... He's been one of my favorite actors for a long time and he's the reason I watched the 1995 A&E version of Pride & Prejudice, and from there learned about this wonderful genre of literature that includes Jane Austen & Elizabeth Gaskell).

Does anyone have any recommendations on places we should go that are non-Jane Austen related? I'm thinking Big Ben and seeing Buckingham Palace all lit up and night, and possibly Stonehenge. There are a lot of historical points I know we'd be missing because we're so into the literature side of things and I'd hate to come home and find out we were ten minutes from seeing something that would have changed our lives.

The point is every day we're in that country I want to be out of the hotel room doing something, no matter how exhausted I am. I refuse to go to another country and spend all day in a hotel room sleeping. I want to see things!

Sorting Hat

2010-06-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

This is meant to be a light-hearted, fun, yet quite serious!, post. You see, I'm obsessed with Harry Potter. My sister is as well. It's to the point where a lot of what is in the series, both literary and film, has been integrated into our daily lives. For example, when we're out shopping I remind my mother, "I'm Ravenclaw!" Non-HP fans may not understand, but those "in the know" realize I've associated myself with a House. Except there's a problem with that.

I always tell people I'm Ravenclaw, but the truth is sometimes my tests come out Hufflepuff. Once it even came out Slytherin (and I refused to acknowledge the results) and a couple of other times Gryffindor. Mostly, though, it comes out Ravenclaw. Today I decided to test the validity of the House I claim to be sorted into, especially before I splurge and purchase anymore House merchandise (one reason I haven't? It's rather difficult to come across any Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff items, mostly Gryffindor or Slytherin have been produced).

I've decided to search for Sorting Hat quizzes and tests and whatnot, and record my results here. Let the Sorting begin!

Hogwarts House Sorting Quiz - Hufflepuff
Find Your Hogwarts House: The Harry Potter Sorting Hat Personality Test - Hufflepuff
Sorting Hat - Ravenclaw
Hogwarts Sorting Quiz - Ravenclaw
An Intelligent Harry Potter House Sorting Quiz - Hufflepuff
The Hogwarts House Test - Ravenclaw
Where Do You Belong? - Hufflepuff
Which Harry Potter House do you belong in? - Ravenclaw
The Sorting Hat Quiz - Ravenclaw
The Hogwarts Sorting Hat - Hufflepuff
The Sorting Hat Quiz - Hufflepuff
The Sorting Hat - Ravenclaw
Another Harry Potter Sorting Hat Quiz - Ravenclaw
What Hogwarts House Would the Sorting Hat Choose for You? - Equal answers in Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff
Hogwarts Sorting Hat - Ravenclaw

In conclusion, out of fifteen Quizzes, one of which ended in a tie!, I was sorted into Hufflepuff 7 times and Ravenclaw 9 times. Not once was I sorted into Gryffindor or Slytherin. I straddle the line between both houses and seem to have one foot in each House, more or less. So perhaps this means I can honestly say I'm in Ravenclaw now?

Breathing Room

2010-06-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

You never realize how grateful you are to breathe until the ability is taken from you or somehow hindered. I've had my moments of panic, grouping up with croup and being slightly asthmatic as an adult, as well as always having breathing issues during exercise, but when I get sick it's a different kind of fear, a fear of not finding something that will open my airways. Like now.

I've been sick for two weeks and my mom told me, "You must be sick of being sick." Why yes, yes I am. And I'm very sick of being unable to breathe. My head's been full of cotton for a week (though I've battled a throat infection and cough for two weeks before that). When my sinus' stuff up I always panic a little. Having bronchitis was a scary experience for me because I cried one day, and it had me gasping for breathe. This time around the only way I can breathe is with my mouth hanging open. Makes me feel a bit like a beached whale.

The worst part of being sick is it's been so nice outside. The only way I've been able to appreciate the lovely weather is by napping in my car in the morning in order to get enough energy to make it to lunch, where I proceed to take a second nap to give me enough energy to get through the rest of the day so I can nap when I get home. I took three naps yesterday! I've been napping on a regular basis in order to make it through the day. It's been a slightly absurd week.

I can't wait until I feel better, when my energy's back, and I get a cleaning bug. I have so much laundry and other things to put away and organize and I've barely had enough energy to crawl out of bed some days. My wonderful mother has been babying me for the last three weeks but, unfortunately, this means she put herself in the line of fire and has fallen ill herself.

I've passed on my saving grace to her and whenever I get ill I wonder why I forget to buy it: Kleenex with lotion. Whoever invented it need a Nobel prize because it's like feathers on your nose when you're miserable. Especially if, like me, you started out your cold with regular Kleenex. I managed to make it to the store on Wednesday and I should have gone a lot sooner; by then my nose was raw and touching it with regular Kleenex was like grinding sandpaper against my sensitive skin. The lotion is like Hallelujah! when you're ill. If you don't believe me, try it. You'll probably remember to keep some on hand for if you catch a cold yourself.

An Update

2010-05-28T13:53:00.000-07:00

Not much has been going on as of late. I'm recovering from being sick for a week and I think my cough is finally receding. I'm thankful for that alone! It's an odd sensation when you wake up coughing while sitting up. Last night was the first night in five nights I didn't have to take cough medicine to stop it enough to fall asleep.

I'm excited that the second of two sheds is being built in the backyard. My mom is generously allowing my sister and I to store some of our belongings in them. I'm hoping to clear out my closet a bit and perhaps pack some books away. The ideal solution would be for my entire room to be comprised of shelves for me to fill and have my bed smack in the middle. Seriously. I would love to live in the middle of a bunch of shelves, like a miniature library! Although the shelves would have to include my knick-knacks, not just books, but it would be great fun. (Remind me to share my daydreams of a window seat sometime.)

The sheds will give us some breathing room. I wish I didn't like stuff so much, but I do, and I cannot part with my books, especially if I have not read them!, and so the piles around which I must navigate in my room will stay for now.

I decided I must truly be feeling better and getting over this sickness that suddenly hit me because I felt the urge to do something yesterday, as in create something and craft! I will have to schedule some crafty time this weekend. Yesterday was full of fun shopping, short visits with friends, and an early bedtime without coughing--I didn't even turn on my laptop before I fell asleep.

My goal for the month of June has to be to get organized again. I would love my books to be organized, even if they're just grouped in bins before I pack them away, so I know what I have. There is so much to read and so little time to do it! I also have a great deal of craft stuff in my room which, being a tiny room, is not as much as my sister has in hers, but tends to overwhelm the drawers I stuff with supplies. Let's not discuss how packed the closet is, or how many cake plates I feel I need to own.

Count Down

2010-05-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

I need to get back into writing, into journaling again. I have a notebook I scribble a lot down in that I carry in my purse, but it's not coherent most of the time. It's just notes and random thoughts. To encourage myself to get back into journaling I am going to start taking assignment posts I see other journals do and complete the assignment myself. Many of these have been around a while, however, I will link to the original source if I come across it. I don't plan on doing all of the silly ones, such as the "what color socks are you wearing now?" type surveys, but I like how some of these ask questions you'd never think of. I like this one because it may provide me with a jumping off point for a few scrapbook pages in the future (which I am starting to get into).

Ten Things About Yourself

I am a great reader of books (points if you understand the reference)
I allow myself to be taken advantage of
I am happy to wander around in craft stores and imagine possibilities
I photograph everything, sometimes with two different cameras
The most relaxing vacation getaway is my grandparent's home
I procrastinate anything I possibly can, many times without realizing it
I recently discovered I'm deathly afraid of possums
I'm terrible with money; most of the time I just barely manage but I still suck at finances
Laundry is my most hated chore--I'd rather scrub the bathtub or floor
I buy more books than I will ever read--my room is literally filled with stacks of them and I have to move them to get to my closet or open drawers

Nine Things You've Thought About Recently

The accident
Reinforcing my bedtime so I'm not always sleepy
Scrapbook layouts to try when I receive my new toy
Finishing the book I started Friday
How lazy I am
I want to be normal again
Moving to Redding (in the future)
Moving things around in my home (big family-sized undertaking that will begin soon)
I think I love my bed too much

Eight Ways To Win Your Heart

Be a computer nerd
Be some sort of reader
Be intelligent
Love dogs (or at least the dogs my family has)
Understand I'm strange and like me anyways
Like Harry Potter
Be more of a homebody than a party person
Become friends with my sister

Seven Favorite Songs You've Had

It's All Coming Back To Me Now -- Celine Dion
As Long As You Love Me -- Backstreet Boys
Beautiful Soul -- Jesse McCartney
Cry On My Shoulder -- Overflow
Champagne High -- Sister Hazel
The Man Who Can't Be Moved -- The Script
Remember When It Rained -- Josh Groban
This is SO not all of them! I have an insane amount. These are in no particular order!

Six Things To Do Before You Go To Bed

Turn on my nightlight
Make sure my Droid sits in the cradle correctly to charge & become an alarm
Shower
Take my dog's electric collar off (for the wireless fence...unfortunately a necessity)
Take my makeup off
Get a cold bottle of water to put by my bed

Five Things You Wish You Could Say to Five Different People Right At This Very Moment

Why are you so spineless? Take charge!
Stop spreading rumors when you are blind to your own childrens indiscretions.
Take care of your mother instead of ignoring her.
Step away from the computer and join the real world.
How do you put up with me?

Four Things You're Doing Right Now

Drinking a cold water
Lazying around in my jammies
Planning scrapbook layouts
Fretting about getting up early for work after

Three Things You're Scared Of

Someone in the shadows I can't see
Losing control
People realizing they don't need me

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die

Become a published novelist
Visit England

One Confession

I just want to be who I was before the accident

The Morning After

2010-03-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I finally got to see John Mayer in concert, something I've looked forward to for months. He was fantastic. He sounded as good as his cd and I was glad I went--but, because there's always a but now, I wish I could have enjoyed it more. I should have been able to enjoy it more. There was a damper on the whole evening, that veil that hasn't been lifted.

I have to find hope in the little things right now. My best friend's sister let us stay with her last night so we didn't have to drive home in the dark (I'm not ready for that yet). I woke up this morning, wrapped in my blanket on a soft mattress with a kitty curled up on my feet. I didn't get up right away because it was such a nice a feeling.

I will write more later--I'm still out of town and am slowly writing this entry on my phone.

Happy Pi Day!

2010-03-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've been forcing myself to be busy the last couple of days, most of it on accident. I've been working on laundry and cleaning out clothes to donate the last week or so, and last night it kind of snowballed. Not only did I get my clothes cleaned out (yay!) I also ended up rearranging a bit of my room around. The book stacks haven't gotten any smaller, they're just moved around a bit, but at least I have a new glass display case in my room! (Okay, it's not new, and it's not mine. It's my dad's. But I can borrow it for a while, can't I?)

I am still working on my 50 book challenge and have now read 13 books so far this year. I just finished The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan, which was a quick read once I got into it (it's for a younger audience) and I'm glad I got to read it before seeing the movie. Although it's about Greek mythology, the book is still really easy to compare to Harry Potter. I'm not sure if it's because it's a redundant storyline, but it's almost as if some of the Hogwarts components were merely replaced to change them around a bit. Percy Jackson has a bumbling guy friend, Grover, and a smart girl friend, Annabeth, and in the end of their adventure to save this one item it ends up that Percy has to do it himself. But, it was a quick read and I did end up liking it, so it wasn't a waste of time.

I also finished Geek Charming by Robin Palmer. I was a bit iffy on that book because I bought it at a thrift shop and they wanted $4 for it. I really wanted to read it so I sucked it up and paid for it, and I'm glad I did because I ended up liking it so much. I also ordered Cindy Ella from Abe Books, which is Robin Palmer's first book, and am looking forward to reading it when it gets here. They're young adult novels so they're a quick read and they're fun! What I liked about Geek Charming is it didn't end the way fairy tales end, but it was still a satisfying ending and I was happy with the way it turned out.

My mom enjoys some of the younger adult fantasy science fiction (think Inkheart by Cornelia Funke) and she passed some of the books she doesn't have time to read on to me, and I'm really looking forward to them! Sometimes just the cover of the book grabs you enough to want to dive right in.

Reading is really the only productive thing I've done this weekend (though I'm banking on getting some laundry done) so I'm off to continue that! Anything to lift this veil we can't seem to shake around here.

Changes

2010-03-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

A lot has changed since my last post. Two days later, my mom, sister and I were in a car accident. A man lost his life. It was his choice, but nevertheless it has weighed heavily on those of us left behind. He became a part of our lives on February 3 and has been with me ever since.

Every time I get behind the wheel of a car I startle. I cannot relax. I'm fearful someone will walk in front of the car again. Anyone backing out of a parking spot or turning into the lane next to mine might collide with mine. A car didn't cause the accident I was in, but next time it might. Every car feels like a tin can and I'm skipping lunch at work to avoid driving more than is necessary. I'm trying to calm myself in the car but even when I think I'm relaxing something startles me.

I'm sleeping with a light on, showering with the bathroom door open and flinching when I have to walk into a dark room. My body feels the impact and I can hear my mother screaming. I can feel the glass in my mouth and feel my hands shaking as I dial my dad, watching the lights and sirens and being terrified of the possibility that another car might crash into our accident scene with us standing on the median with nothing to shield us.

I ran through so many emotions in the first two weeks I was perpetually exhausted. The third I kind of went numb--a welcome break from everything I'd been feeling, at first, and then worrysome that I wasn't the same as I was before. Because I'm not.

That night changed the three of us for the rest of our lives. I woke up on February 3rd my old self and went to bed in the wee hours of February 4th an entirely different person. I'm a victim. I've been traumatized. I've seen a therapist and my pastor. I'm reading books and looking for others this has happened to. I've lost my joy. I pray not for long, but for now there's a shadow cast on everything I do. I feel guilty when I smile and haven't felt happiness as deeply as I used to. I feel broken. I'm not me anymore, I'm not Dawn. I don't know who I am.

Have you read Stephanie Meyer's "The Host"? It's about these entities, these "souls," that implant themselves in humans and take over. Sometimes the soul of the human is able to fight for control of their own body, and sometimes they give up and disappear and allow the alien soul to have control. And because the alien soul has taken over they have to learn about their new body, how it works and what to do with it. That's what I feel like inside. Somewhere who I was is cowering in me, hiding, and this alien soul has to learn to function with what the old me left behind. I'm someone else entirely and I haven't figured out how to function in this new environment

I feel selfish because the last month has been about how I feel, about how to fix my broken heart. I haven't been as concerned as I should about how my sister and mother are getting through this because I'm so worried about how I am functioning. I know in a situation like this it's your body's defense, your mind's defense, but I feel selfish just the same. I want to feel something towards this man, feel sympathy for his family, to not just say I feel bad but to truly feel it in my soul, and I can't. Because I'm empty.

Change of Heart...

2010-02-01T20:33:00.000-08:00

After much deliberation I've decided to change my charity of choice. I have supported Compassion International for approximately a year, perhaps a bit over, but I've never felt truly connected to that organization. My church connected with a church in Ethiopia and worked with Compassion International to obtain sponsors specifically for children in the community of that church, and my first thought was, I wish they would have done that before I started sponsoring a child. My sister urged me to cancel my sponsorship when I was cutting back on expenses in order to more quickly pay off my debt, but I felt too guilty. But why? I have never personally connected with the child, and I don't know much about the organization. But I felt guilty for thinking about canceling the sponsorship because the money can go farther in the organization than in my hands.

The last few weeks I've been reading Greg Mortenson's books, Three Cups of Tea and Stones to Schools. The books have not only opened an entirely new world to me as I have been extremely unfamiliar with Central Asia. I have also become fascinated with his cause and have been devouring his words like no other book has caused me to, I have a phsycial ache when I'm away from my book because I want to finish it so badly (Stones to Schools came out last month and I'm about 1/2 way through the book). I've decided to transfer my charity funds from Compassion International to the Central Asia Institute.

I don't know how long I will feel this passion for this charity--will my preferences shift as I read up on different charities? Will I come across a charity I can fully support, eternally, and will this one be it? I honestly don't know. Minds change, situations change, and information flows freely, providing me a lot of opportunity to change my opinion. For now, however, my funds will support this new charity, which I know about more than the previous charity I chose to support.

If anything this has taught me that it's okay to change charities as my opinions change. What good is it to support a charity if you do not know enough about it? If you don't believe in it? I'm not saying I don't believe in Compassion International--what they are doing is fantastic. Someday I may choose to donate to them again. But for now, I want to support a charity whose purpose I'm able to explain, who I am excited to support.

The Central Asia Institute is dedicated to creating schools and supporting the education of children, and oh so much more! If you have not read Three Cups of Tea I highly recommend checking it out. I am in the process of writing a book review for it and will post that as soon as I have it finished--I think I am going to incorporate Stones into Schools with it because I'm nearly done, even though it's from a different point of view than the first.

Creepy Eye

2010-01-26T21:23:00.000-08:00

I'm so frustrated with my eye. I got sick last weekend and busted a blood vessel, which wasn't too bad at first. Now my eye looks kind of...yellow? I've never had this happened before and I kind of creep myself out when I look in the mirror, especially since it's starting to creep around my iris. I feel bad since I have to go to work like this, and the girl in the cubicle next to me really thinks it's creepy. I'm just hoping it will be, at the very least, scarcely noticeable this weekend. I'm determined to get my photo taken with Marleau and Vlasic, no matter how weird I look. I guess I could always fiddle with it on the computer to get rid of the yellow, but it would easier if it just wasn't there.

I finished another book, "Flavor of the Week" by Tucker Shaw. I wasn't sure what reading level the book was about just by reading the back, and it took nearly 2 chapters to find out the characters were in high school. I didn't much care for it. There are recipes that go with every chapter, but I don't feel like they highlight the content in a positive manner. Rather, I feel as if the chapters were created simply to give the recipes somewhere to hang. I haven't tried any of the recipes, and quite frankly don't plan to, nor do I plan on recommending or passing the book on to anyone else. Though the plot of the book was something I like (think The Truth About Cats & Dogs) the writing itself was poorly constructed and suited more for a young audience than the high school audience this book was meant to. The only reason it isn't a middle school reading level book is because the high schoolers want to "hook up" and do other inappropriate things.

I spent today finishing the aforementioned book and starting a new one, "The Smuggler's Treasure" by Sara Masters Buckey. It's an American Girl "History Mystery." I have a lot of young adult books to read and my thinking is since they're a quicker read I'll finish them faster than a normal novel (of course). This means they'll be out of my room and freeing up some much-needed space in my room. I have books stacked all over, and I just spotted two stacks that tipped that hopefully won't fall over if I don't touch them. I know I keep bringing home more books, but if I keep reading them that might create some "breathing room" for them. I have a pile at the foot of my bed I keep knocking over and I can put them elsewhere if I get rid of the ones I do read.

My problem, too, is I have a lot of children's books that I am interested in, simply because I've always wanted to read them or the illustrations interest me, and I have no one to pass them on to once I've finished. I've gained several new cousins over the past year but I don't know any of them well enough to pass on second hand books to them. I don't know if my recently-pregnant cousin would want to start collecting books for his new baby if it hasn't been born yet--or how much him and his wife are interested in reading to the baby. Yes, I know! I tend to over think and over analyze, but I'm not super close with this particular cousin relationship wise, even though he's the closest to me city wise. *sigh* I don't know.

It's another not-so-much productive day. I took a nap today (I feel asleep reading) and watched American Idol. I'm not sure why I decided to follow American Idol this season, but it feels kind of strange having to remember when a television show is on. Everything else I watch--How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, etc.--I just watch when I stumble upon them or someone else remembers. In other words, I haven't watched anything on a regular basis in nearly two years. I'm even a month behind on General Hospital! Aiyiyi. See what reading does to you? You drop the things that rot your brain.

Happy New Year

2010-01-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

I realize I've been away a while. My sister has been blogging non-stop, which is amazing. I, on the other hand, have missed out a bit. Like most people I made myself some New Years Resolutions, and I've been working on some of them.

I agreed to take part in the "50 Books in 2010" challenge and have been reading with gusto ever since. I am currently working on #6. You can see how far I've come on my listography list. My sister has been reading more than I have and posting wonderful reviews on her blog, so make sure to check that out if you're looking for some good reviews. She's on a Jane Austen kick so I think many of her books are either by Austen herself or influenced by her and her literature, though my sister reads many True Crime novels as well.

I'm really enjoying the book challenge because I'm getting so much reading done. I love accomplishing tasks and the process to reaching the "50 books" finish line is really enjoyable. Over the last couple of years I've watched less and less television, and it's nearly gotten to the point where I just don't care what is on anymore. I've been using that free time to read more than I have in the past, to read like I used to when I was younger, devouring every book even as I walked, and it's been refreshing. I feel less stressed out and look forward to reading my books like I used to obsess over not missing my favorite show--only I can read whenever I feel like it.

I feel like I've rekindled the fire of my love of books, and quite frankly a lot of it is due to bfmate22 on YouTube. I started watching her videos because she's a huge reader who would post reviews. Her tastes are very similar to mine and I got sucked into her book reviews. She said she was doing the book challenge for this year and I knew I had to join in.

Another challenge I've been enjoying is my 365 photo challenges. I've posted my photos on the day I took them with the exception of two--one day I kept my computer off because the storms were so bad it was threatening to kill our electricity, and the other was last night when I got sick with some sort of food poisoning, though I at least had taken my photos before the nausea hit. I joined 2 weekly challenges and 3 daily challenges. I still have to do the weekly challenges (which I need to get cracking on since this is Saturday!) and have kept up quite well with my daily challenges. It's difficult taking a photo of myself everyday, though, since I'm often unhappy with my own looks, but perhaps it will help me accept myself.

The only show I've been following thus far is American Idol. I'm not a big television watcher anymore and haven't followed American Idol since Taylor Hicks, which I Googled and discovered was Season 5 and this is Season 9. But something in me decided I would watch this year, or at least get through the auditions, which I've really been enjoying. There's one more week of auditions to go before they start the whittling down process, so I'm looking forward to that. The best part is if I lose interest (which hasn't happened yet, sorry, Mom!!) by the time the finals roll around I'll probably recognize most of them from the auditions.

Time to get going! I have to finish my photography challenges for the week so I can empty my card & charge my camera. I have a Sharks game tonight! Hello, Setoguchi!

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T22:56:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, one and all! Even though, officially, it's still 2009 in California. That's right, I'm winding down. I may actually be asleep when 2010 creeps in because I'm so sleepy. I've been awake since 5 a.m. It's a mean, dirty, rotten trick to make people drag themselves to work at 6 a.m. and expect them to make it to midnight without a nap. I should have taken a nap. (Honestly, when I do, I still get dog-tired at 11 p.m...like now.)

As fun as Christmas was this year, I'm glad it's over. The rush, the hustle and bustle... sometimes it can be a little much, especially when you've been looking forward to it for so long, but I do admit I'm looking forward to next year. I plan to plan my gifts out sooner! I'd like to craft more this year (count it a resolution!) and that includes Christmas gifts. I think if I start crafting in September for Christmas that will give me a decent head-start in case something goes wrong. For example, this year I made two last-minute candy cane necklaces out of polymer clay. I had no idea they'd turn out so cute! I only got to wear mine once. The other I gave to an aunt on Christmas day because she saw mine on Christmas Eve and liked it. Did I mention the red has sparkly glitter and the white glows in the dark? Anything that glows in the dark is awesome in my book! In any case, next time I play with polymer clay I might make some anyways. I know a few girls who might get a kick out of these when Christmas rolls around--and the more I think about it, the more I know it will come faster than expected. The end of the year always does.

I really like playing with polymer clay, but the problem is practice makes perfect and I don't practice enough! I tend to get stuck on the same thing (you should see how many cupcake necklaces I made over the last year!) and that's what I do since I know it will turn out. So this year I tried something different. I made my sister a Guinea Pig necklace for Christmas. I admit, I need more practice. That was more than agreed upon when my sister opened the necklace and went "Oh! A...jelly bean?"

My mom, sister & I got many books for Christmas, due to the local bookstore closing, so I was excited this project I wanted to do for a couple of months fit right in. I'd seen someone make bookplates and knew it was something I could do (which tends to be a problem when you're a Crafter...you think you can make anything, and then you try...and find out sometimes it's just easier to buy it from another Crafter or buy the manufactured version). Thankfully, I succeeded! I scanned vintage images from books and created bookplates for my mom, sister and aunt. I did just one set apiece--I didn't want to go overboard. We were raised not to deface books so I have an issue even writing my name in one. I thought the bookplates would be good for books we knew we'd never get rid of, like my Jane Austen books, though I haven't made myself any bookplates yet. My favorite part of the process for these was one of the vintage books I used was actually a children's magazine that is over 100 years old. Anything with age is just fascinating to me and I was really excited to incorporate it into something new.

My big project of the year, however, was actually quite simple. The problem was every time I went to complete a step the supplies were hard to find, or something got cancelled. In any case, I finally completed my favorite crafted gift of the year: Teacup Necklaces. I made five, one of each went to me, my sister, my aunt, my mom and my cousin. The teacups are actually dollhouse miniatures I put together, and put a small Swarovski crystal inside the teacup itself. That way when it's worn instead of just seeing gold inside the teacup you get an array of sparkles. The crystal is very tiny but when it catches the light it's just gorgeous.

I also made my sister a WordSearch book, which was a feat in itself! It took months to work on. I kept a notebook in my purse and during my free time I would randomly name a topic that related to my sister or someone in our family, then I would have to come up with twenty words for that topic. I found an online generator that generated the actual wordsearch, which saved a boatload of time. I'm actually keen on printing them out and giving them a go myself!

I thought my Christmas crafts would be the last of the year but, alas!, one more weasled it's way in tonight. One last New Year's craft, one last simple New Year's gift for my sister to discover when she gets home from work after working past midnight. But more on that later--I cannot post it until she receives it!

Happy New Year, one and all! I hope 2010 is full of more happiness and wonderful experiences than 2009, and may you accomplish something on your bucket lists.

This is my last post for Simply Vintagegirl's Homemade Christmas 2009!
I am looking forward to participating in everyone round of next year's.

The Ending of Another Year

2009-12-30T07:48:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over. The presents are unwrapped and looking for places to be put away. A multitude of sweets are sitting on the table, too sick to be consumed. The three day weekend is past and those tired from work look forward to one last three day weekend for New Years--a time to sleep in, rest and recover from the holiday rush. Crafts have been completed, cooking has been shunned until the new year, and decorations are being enjoyed for just a few more days.

Another year is nearly gone.

It's been both good and bad. Money has been tight, loved ones have passed, and surgeries have been endured. New pets have replaced those that are gone, more books have been read and hockey games and concerts have been attended (photograph of me meeting my favorite Sharks player). Each year blurs with the others the older you get, but each is full in it's own way of the little things.

I got hooked on General Hospital this past July, though when I reflect back I'll just remember it as being some time in my 20's. Technology has allowed me to keep up and catch up through You Tube, to enjoy it when I want to instead of being tied to the television once a day.

I read more books than the last few years, and purchased even more to read over the coming year. I got to spend an entire warm week in July at my grandparent's and watch the miracle of a bird hold my grandmother's finger for bread. I met three new baby cousins and watched an aunt's excitement over owning her first dog. I started working on a book with my best friend and have enjoyed my first full-size bed. I got to go through my mom's family home at the army base before they demolished it--while most of the other homes in the area are gone (the photograph is my mom standing in her old bedroom). Plans are being made for next year and broken resolutions are being forgotten as new ones are being made.

This year I've been thankful for my downtime, for the experiences I've had and the time spent with my family. I'm closer to my dad now than I was a year ago. I'm thankful I am so hooked on Flickr because it allows me to review the year in photographs easily, something that is difficult when searching through my big bin of printed photographs.

A few challenges I'd like to give myself over the next year are:

To work on getting out of debt (student loads not included--for now)
To weigh no more on Dec 31st than I do on January 1st (preferably less over this year)
Read more (my inability to remember when television shows on helps free up some time!)
Write more (blogs, articles, stories--anything)
Become more active, and not just in a "losing weight" type of way. I enjoy my down time but I need to become more accomplished--keeping house, crafting more, etc.
Tying into the last one, I need to procrastinate less. I am the queen of procrastination.
Attend church regularly. My attendance over the last year has been embarrassingly sporadic at best.
Practice my spelling. I have a list going of words I need to practice.

I'm not looking to fulfill impossible dreams over the next year, but I am looking to better myself as a person. I've grown a lot during the last few years but there are things I miss about the younger me I can still incorporate into the me I'm becoming. When I was involved with the church I was at peace, and I miss the close relationship I had with God at that time. I want to rediscover that. I created more--graphics, crafts and whatnot that I miss as well.

I feel like I've been perpetually tired for a year and not just sleep deprived but physically exhausted. I can't allow myself to use all my energy for work when there are so much more enjoyable things I can do for myself and others outside of work.

I look forward to the next year and the possibilities it holds, but just the same there are a few things I'd like to finish up before 2009 is over:

New Year's Baking (pushed back from Christmas Baking)
Write a few more letters. Velma received a couple of Christmas cards this year, one from a neighbor I also remember. I have to write them and let them know she passed away.
Mail a couple of belated Christmas gifts
Take a few last photos of everyone enjoying the last of 2009

When The Lights Go Out

2009-12-29T19:08:00.000-08:00

What do you do when the lights go out?

I enjoy the quiet downtime during blackouts. The quiet is enveloping. The hustle and bustle of electricity is suddenly muted. Keystrokes are halted and the phone ceases to ring. Though the loss of electricity can be stressful, especially when your work relies on computers, the quiet is peaceful. Basic office sounds are the only noises that survive--the rustling of paper, low murmurs and the occasional stapler.

At home I enjoy curling up with a journal or book, snuggled in blankets next to my lazy dog. it's even more enjoyable if you can hear rain pounding on your window.

People are forced away from the isolation of technology and forced into interaction with each other. Self induced loneliness because of technology is acceptable but the moment the lights go out people come together in a mutual dislike of being alone in the dark--or being stranded in a quiet, deserted room. A source of light brings people together, whether it be an iPod that is passed around to light up a dark bathroom or huddling by an Exit sign.

The power was out for over four hours at work today. Papers were shuffled and organized, but most importantly people laughed. Celebrity gossip magazines were passed around and a breakfast run organized. Rare is the production of work for which we are being paid but a type of bonding occurs that only happens when you have nothing else to do.

It's an enriching exercise in the art of human interaction.

Christmas is almost here!

2009-12-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

I can't believe Christmas is almost here. I'm so excited! I still have some handmade goodness to cram in between now and then (plus, I still have to work part of a day tomorrow, but at least that will get me up and going...although both my dad and sister are lucky enough to have the day off). I feel like it's been ages since I started storing gifts in my hopechest back in September, and now it's almost time to open them! I cannot wait. I'm so excited about what everyone is going to think of their gifts.

I'm looking forward to the Christmas Eve service tomorrow night as well. I'll be meeting my aunt there. It's always nice to see who shows up--although, it's only 1/2 the church since we're going to the 2nd service. The 1st service is always crammed since some people's traditions are on Christmas Eve, not Christmas.

GAH! I'm going nuts just thinking about what still must be done! And then I wonder, do I have enough stocking stuffers? Is one more trip to Target possible, no matter how bad the crowds are? I may go anyways. I have to go to Micheal's (I have a 50% off coupon!) so maybe I will stop by Target for a few more things. And Winnie's stocking has a teddy bear sticking out of the top but perhaps she would like one more treat? I just don't know! I know my family will appreciate the gifts I've gotten them but I cannot help the last-minute anxiety, even if that's not what the Christmas season is about.

Continuing On...

2009-12-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

I just wrapped the latest "batch" of Christmas gifts that I've been moving around in my room. They slowly pile up before they hit "annoying to move from place to place," I whine for a few days that I'm actually going to wrap them today, and eventually I have to give in and wrap them so I don't have to hide them anymore. I have a couple of little things coming and one big gift and after that I should be good to go--aside from the shopping I decided I must do a week beforehand. It's too late by then to order online but there are a few things I can buy locally to sneak under the tree. And I'm already itching to go after-Christmas shopping for some Disney ornaments I saw. We might have a small tree this year but next year I fully intend on going all-out!

I've had a fairly steady flood of books piling up in my room since I joined PaperBackSwap, however, I had not been reading on a regular basis. Even when I'm a procrastinator or lazy about reading I can't resist bringing them home! So these past couple of months I've been working on reading more often and watching television less. When I had the flu a couple months back I even read a book my best friend's mom lent me right before I got sick. I still have the 2nd one to read she thought I'd like, but I must say I believe that's the fastest I've read and returned a book! (For those curious it was Jodi Picoult's Plain Truth. It was set in the Amish community so Jane thought I would enjoy it, and I was surprised to say I did! I had never picked up a Jodi Picoult book before because I thought they were romance novels along the lines of Nora Roberts or that lady that writes all the trashy romance novels that are so popular).

Christmas is only 17 days away! I'm so excited! When I started buying gifts it was months away. And now it's less than 3 weeks away! I can't wait. There are a few small things still on their way and one big gift (plus one big one that might end up being a New Year's gift), but for the most part it could be tomorrow and I'd be prepared. I even know which dress I'm going to wear to the Christmas Eve service. I've got it all mapped out. This last Sunday's service was a lot of fun because it was the Christmas service. My uncle and a friend were in the huge choir and both of my boss' daughter's were in the children's choir that sang. I also got to see a troublesome little boy I used to babysit when he was two sing the in choir. It was nice not to see him throwing big chunky plastic cars at the face's of other kids, and hopefully now that he's about seven he doesn't do that anymore.

My best friend and I attended The Streets of Bethlehem this past Saturday. I hadn't ridden a school bus (which acted as the shuttle) since about high school, I think! It was a lot of fun, though extremely crowded since it was the last night. And it was so cold! I thankfully layered up on my jackets properly but my toes came away half frozen. They changed the ending a bit from years past but I enjoyed it more. I think it opened up the chance to converse about Christianity and accepting the Lord more than it has in the past--and isn't that what the whole place is about?

The best part was the interaction a guard had with the audience, just before Mary and Joseph came looking for room in an inn. He was hilarious! He was extremely personable and just had the right spark for acting. I think that's the only way I can explain it. Everyone else was nervous--their voices shook, their acting wasn't quite right, they were just playing a part. This guy was his part, and it made it so much more enjoyable.

I can't wait to have children to bring to it some day. There are several displays still there from when I went when I was younger--beads, making tortillas, etc. Things that are more enjoyable if you have a child to take with you. And they had animals, of course! They had the tiniest donkey I've ever seen, and at the very end I told my best friend, "The 12 year old inside me wants to see the sheep." Who stared at us! She was adorable. I have to admit I always enjoy seeing all the animals.

So now that Christmas wishes have been filled out, what is one thing you want that you don't know why you want, and is frivolous or useless to you? I've been stuck on Buzz Lightyear since I saw Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D. At Target last night they had a Buzz Lightyear who was interactive and in the spaceship packaging like in the movie! It was awesome. You could press all of his buttons and his wings lit up, and if you pushed back his helmet he exclaimed he could breathe. It's completely useless to me as a 26 year old woman but it was still entertaining.

I did not get enough sleep the night before last and managed enough last night, so I'm off to bed at a decent hour now. And to cuddle Buddy, who has a broken nail that has turned him from Mr. Happy Go Lucky into a Sad Panda.

save

A Homemade Christmas

2009-12-04T20:31:00.001-08:00

I'm a bit late in the game, but I'm also behind on my blog reading. One of my favorite blogs, Simply Vintagegirl, is doing A Homemade Christmas. I missed the first one but I'm only a couple days past the one so I'm joining in! (And boy, do I appreciate the Dec 29th date because my main blog readers (probably my only) are my mom and sister and I can't post their homemade gifts before Christmas!) I'm really trying to take the time to craft this year. I bought gifts for my family members but I am still trying to craft something extra special for each of them, and for a few external family members.

I posted already about the ornaments I made but I now have completed my Breast Cancer Ribbons Glitter Ornaments for my aunt, a survivor of nine years. The ornament set was actually a few weeks in the making. I did the initial ornament glitter trial and when that worked out I completed another half dozen. There are twelve ornaments in total. Yesterday my cousin and I ran to the craft store to pick up a few things I needed to finish crafting. One of those were rhinestones for the ornaments. I couldn't spend a lot of money on them but they had a great sticker pack of a line of rhinestones that I shaped into ribbons on the ornaments. Then disaster struck. My thumb went through the ornament.

I felt frustrated. I'm lucky I didn't cut my thumb (it peeled away easily, like pulling the skin off an onion, when I was examining if there was any way to save it). I was fascinated, though, by the inside. These ornaments started off as clear ornaments. I spent several hours swirling thinned out glue inside and coating the inside with lots of glitter. To have one break was disappointing. I had three colors of glitter, four ornaments each, and this broke the pattern. How was I going to replace it? Could I save the sticker and use it again on another one--and what would the replacement look like? I just knew I had to replace it. What's a set of eleven ornaments good for? (I should mention here my mom saved me the plastic apple protector from the apples she purchased at Costco, perfect for the ornaments... as long as they were a set of twelve.) I'm saving the broken ornament, wondering if I can use it in another project or set it in resin...it'll go in the rubbish bin if I find it's too risky, though, I don't want anyone to get cut.

As I showed in a previous post I made my mom a couple of sets of "Wizard of Oz" inspired ornaments to give as gifts in her Oz group. The Glinda ornament kept looking at me... I hadn't done anything to it yet, and I had some sparkly Swarovski crystals left over from a project I was working on (one of those "top secret" projects that will be shared after Christmas). I painstakingly put some E6000 on a piece of paper, put a small dot on the ornament, licked my finger to pick up the tiny rhinestone and set it on top of the glue, gently pushing it to place. For every single rhinestone. The E6000 set too quickly to do more than one at a time, but in the end it was worth it. If I could afford to purchase more crystals and redo them all (if I thought the stickers would come off without destroying the globes, which I doubt), I would.

The ornament shines! It sparkles, it's gorgeous. I jokingly told my mom, "It makes my other ornaments look bad!" And with their plastic rhinestone ribbons, it does. But my thinking is twelve ornaments is a lot to put on a tree when I know she has quite a few ornaments already that she uses. This one special ornament will allow her to put it on the tree without feeling guilty she can't fit them all on the tree--after all, who can resist sparkling Swarovski? And in the end that's how I ended up with four shades of pink glitter instead of three. Nestled in the sparkling metallic "grass," I can't wait for my aunt to see these! I've spent so much time on them and it's really neat to see this image I've had in my head for so long take shape. I'm especially proud that I figured out the glitter part I'd seen done so many times online and that I can tell my aunt they were handmade especially for her from the very beginning. I didn't buy pre-bought pink ornaments or take any shortcuts.

Every year I say I'm going to give handmade gifts and every year I run out of time. I'm so excited that I still have three entire weeks to focus on making gifts for other family members. I need to come up with some ideas and a list of who to craft for, but I'm so thrilled! I have been so stressed out for the last year (I think with this economy and everything that entails we all have). I've forgotten what it feels like to take the time to craft, not just produce something quickly, and have the end result be something I am absolutely ecstatic to show off.

Tomorrow night I am going to try to go to The Streets of Bethlehem. I'm determined to find someone to attend with me as it's the last night. It's just so fun to go to! It's freezing cold but it's always worth it. A church down town recreates Bethlehem and you follow the birth of Jesus from the beginning. You enter their parking lot, which they've completely transformed. You go in the city gates and pass lions and other wild animals (we have "Wild Things" in town, who trains exotic animals for filmwork and they provide animals for the event). You walk past bead shops and bread baking, pottery wheels turning and pots being formed from clay. It's just amazing. Then, Mary and Joseph arrive on the donkey and guards speak, and you follow the crowd to find the manger to see Baby Jesus and an angel on high...literally! They hoist the angel in the air in a harness and she speaks from above. "Beggars" ask for change and you donate to their baskets, which fund the event for the next year. It's just awesome.

Only 23 Days Until Christmas!

2009-12-02T21:36:00.000-08:00

The count down has begun! Just 23 days until Christmas. I woke up late and rushed to work this morning (I was there only 2 minutes early! Usually I'm 10 to 15 minutes early...not bad for waking up over half an hour late! I still managed to grab my fake pearly-blue poinsettia garlands I bought at Micheal's last year. They're up in my cubicle now. I got two compliments! I also got compliments on the embarrassing (for others!) reindeer antlers and nose I put on my car. It's not Christmas without Rudolph! :)

I put a smattering of Christmas decorations up in my display cabinet. My Treesons are very happily nestled amongst sparkling glittered trees now! Can you believe this is only about half of what is out there? I have a checklist going on my website so I can keep track of what I have and what I need. I'd like to have them all some day, of course, but part of the fun in collecting is going after the impossible. Or at least what seems impossible when money is tight. I'm positive things will be better next year! My mom got some news that might possibly loosen things around here a bit but we won't find out until tomorrow. I'm looking forward for this stress to be done and for her to be rewarded. I'm also looking forward to a weekend by a lake in a cabin, as promised!

Payday is tomorrow! Things are going to be tight until my next paycheck but even though you know you're going to be broke 24 hours after you've been paid, it's still a nice feeling to have another month of bills under your belt (well, half a month, anyway). There's a couple of things I might order online, but for the most part any stocking stuffers I plan to get will have to wait until my next paycheck in two weeks. I'm proud of myself for putting only one major thing on my credit card for Christmas, and I'm keeping my purse strings tight so I can get it paid off by the end of the year. That way my debt isn't really going down that much but at least it's not going up, either. My goal next year is to get the credit cards paid off--or at least the majority of it. I know things come up and I want to be realistic (like getting a good padding in my savings account so if something happens I don't have to use plastic). I hate being "one of those Americans" who has gotten themselves in so much debt. I'm just lucky to be living at home so I can scrip to pay off my bills and credit cards without having to make rent, too.

I've put the debt on the back burner for the last couple of months, though, so that I didn't have to use credit cards to pay for my Christmas gifts. Last Christmas' presents might be on the cards, but this Christmas I paid cash! Except the one thing. Which is being paid off by the end of the year. There are even a few miscellaneous things I plan on getting after Christmas when my bills are all caught up. Maybe since I've become so good at hoarding Christmas gifts, hoarding gifts for other holidays (Valentine's Day, Easter, Birthdays, etc.) will be easier? It's definitely been easier on my wallet! I could totally make myself a "gift hopechest." I'll say, "Goodness! It's your birthday! Silly of me to forget...Oh, wait...I bought it months ago!" *pat self on back* Not really, but maybe. :)

One of the things I plan on getting my mom after Christmas is Tarina Tarantino's "My Pretty" Collection Book. The photos are gorgeous! My mom is a huge Wizard of Oz fanatic (that's what happens when your name is Dorothy!) and her pieces are a bit out of my price range, but the book is only about $18 shipped. What I like about the book is you can admire all the pieces in the beautiful photographs without having to choose which one to get my mom. Because let's face it--how do you choose one of anything in Tarina Tarantino's collections? They're all beautiful, they sparkle, and they're just yummy. My mom loves her ruby slipper pieces (her favorite aspect of the Wizard of Oz!) and my sister's drooling over her Alice Collection, which we've just discovered. If you haven't been to her website lately you'll definitely want to check it out and see what else you can discover.

That's all for now...I'm probably running out of topics after posting 3 days in a row! It's a great writing exercise for me but I hope I'm not overwhelming anyone with all that I'm writing--I tend to write a lot when I write. I don't do quick posts or quick emails, even! I've played with a couple of different ways of expressing myself online and right now this is the medium I am enjoying the most. Maybe one of my New Year's Resolutions will be to refine my presence online. I'm spread out so thin I don't really enjoy anything immensely anymore since it can be overwhelming to look at it all. I've been spending less time on the computer and more time reading (Current book: 101 Things You Didn't Know About Jane Austen) so the less time I spend on the computer the more overwhelmed I feel when I go to check up on my blogs, games, Flickr, or whatever else I stumble into. (And yes, that includes Stumble! It's quite addictive.)

Signing off...

Chasing the Moon

2009-12-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

I had one of those mornings today where I just didn't want to go to work. I wanted to sleep in, cuddle in my warm blankets and just be lazy. So when I left the house this morning I didn't expect to be so mesmerized by the moon that I ran back inside twice to grab my camera and a lens to take a photo. A good way to start off the month, I guess, since I've been thinking lately about how little I've been using my camera for anything other than, "The dog is being cute! Quick, grab the Nikon!" The moon had this gorgeous glow so I thought I'd give it a shot--no pun intended--and see how the photo came out. It's never as clear as I want, or what I think I'm going to get, but it's not bad seeing as how I don't have the right equipment for the job.

My hands are frozen. I love Christmas and the holiday season but man, do I miss the warmth! Someone left the heater on last night so it was cozy when I woke up, but now that I'm out of the house my fingers can barely move across the keyboard. I'm going to have to sit on them just to function. As it is, I'm cuddled up with my fleece Hannah Montana blanket. That's right--at work. Because that's how I roll, yo.

I'm excited about payday! It's only 2 days away. Although I'm fairly certain I'm going to be broke, it's nice to be able to pay the bills, and I'll be able to purchase Val's 2nd major gift. Then I'll be broke for two more weeks, until my paycheck on Dec 17. I don't want to go crazy but there are a few little things I want to buy and I think I'll have to brave the crowds to do it the week before Christmas. In the meantime, maybe all the crafting I can get everyone else covered. It's December 1st for goodness sake! I'm going to have to make a list for extended family members I'm crafting for.

Who else is excited about Christmas? Are you crafting anything? I'll be sure to take photos of anything I do and share them after the gifts are opened.

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells...

2009-11-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

Can you believe Christmas is only twenty-five days away!? I'm so excited! I started shopping in September and though I still have a few more things on the way, for all intents and purposes I have finished shopping. I am looking forward to seeing everyone open what I've been squirreling away and planning for since the end of September. That's right--I've been wrapping since October and moving piles of gifts for weeks. Months at this point! Because I love my family so much. (You remember that when you open my gifts! I demand squeals of joy!)

We've got a few things to do before we can get a Christmas tree in here so this week and this weekend I am going to work extremely hard on getting junk packed up to make room for a tree. I cannot wait! It's after Thanksgiving which means it's all systems go on the holidays. Christmas music is being played at every opportunity and since the shopping is done, the crafts have begun!

I have a few top-secret things in the works (meaning some of the little eyes that read this blog would have their Christmases foiled if I were to reveal my plans) so here's what I can share: I made a bucketful of ornaments. Really, a lot of them. It started out with making breast cancer ornaments. I love the glittered ornaments where the glitter is inside. I love the sparkles but it makes such a mess, and inside they come out so pretty! So I tested the waters last week and made some pink ornaments. Then I grabbed a bunch we'd bought last year to make (but never did) and Santa's Ornament Shoppe took over my bedroom on Sunday. I made tons! Okay, maybe not tons, but I have a small room and they were everywhere I could set them when they were drying.

I'm so durned proud of myself that I started shopping so early this year because it frees up my time, and a little extra cash, to craft. Every year I say I want to make gifts for people but I always run out of time. I'm doing my best not to procrastinate this year and plan things out so I have the time to do a little bit of something for everyone. I've kicked the season off with ornaments, as you can see. I made several Wizard of Oz themed ones (my mom is in a Wizard of Oz group and they always do a gift swap), I did a few general Christmas-themed ornaments for extended family gifts and I'm working on a set of Breast Cancer ribbon gifts for my aunt, who is a survivor. I'm hoping Micheal's has some high-class stickers to use for the ribbons on the globes themselves because I don't trust my handwriting to make them look professional enough.

The ornaments I'm having the most trouble giving away, though, are the ROYGBIV ones I made (though I've been informed Indigo is no longer considered part of the rainbow!? First Pluto now this!? My whole life has been a lie!) I love these icicle rainbow ornaments so much I want to hang them in my window and watch them sparkle. Which I just might do.

save

The Internet

2009-11-22T14:05:00.000-08:00

What do you do on your downtime? If you're someone like me, you enjoy browsing the interwebs. There are a lot of fun and interesting stuff on it, and I like to get involved in a little bit of everything. It's like my Real Life--there's so much to do that I'm a jack of all trades, master of none! I love to shop, browse photos and just fiddle around online. I'm going to have to make a section on my website for stuff I like about the Internet (because admit it--if you didn't like the Internet so much you wouldn't be here reading my blog!) but for now here's a few things I like:

I just discovered The Paper Place, a great place to buy origami paper. I have a lot of origami books and so I'm always looking for somewhere to buy paper from--The craft stores and the local Japanese import shop just cost too much. This website has a ton to choose from, and there are so many gorgeous papers! Even better they have a blog, which I always love because blogs from shops can give you great ideas for your own crafts.

Right now they're having an enormous origami paper giveaway and there's several ways to enter, so make sure you check it out. If you do origami it's a fun way to get involved with something origami-related and possibly increase your paper supply and if you don't, it's a great opportunity to get started! After the holidays I fully intend on ordering some paper from them. My favorite thing about their website is how they've broken down the paper into categories, which include patterns or colors, so it's easy to find exactly what you're looking for. A couple of my favorite papers are the gorgeous Chiyogami pink wave pap er and the beautiful bamboo patterned Chiyogami. They're so full of color and so unlike anything I would find here in town.

Another discovery I've been enjoying is the Beauty in Everything photography website. I love looking through Flickr photos but I never know where to start--there are only so many subjects I can search before I've exhausted what I think I want to look at. I love this website because they show you a bunch at once and anything that you like you can click, see the image on their page, and if you click it again follow it to the original Flickr file and see what else that particular photographer has come up with. What I enjoy most about the website is that it shows me photography I might not otherwise find on my own. There are a lot of unusual and beautiful photographs they show that are more "artsy," and on my own I tend to look through Flickr for subjects that relate to me--crafts I do, things I collect, etc. I've started a list of photographs I want to take (such as maybe my dog doing something, or going somewhere special to take photos) and this website has given me great ideas. I don't really do anything artsy with my Nikon, just snap photos and hope something comes out amazing most of the time, so I want to get more use out of it and this website is giving me great ideas.

Flickr is another website I should mention, since I've mentioned it already! I love that I can post all my photos and other people can see them--whether it be my grandparents in Northern California, one of my friends half way across the country, or my mom in the next room. I don't have to get all of them printed, or email them to a bunch of people, and I don't have to run around with the little screen on my camera saying, "Look what I took!" I can point them all to my Flickr account and say, "I'm weird, you know it, if you want to see what I've taken with my camera go right ahead." For those of you who are going to check out my Flickr account for the first time, let me just warn you I'm not all grown up. No, let me put it this way--since I am all grown up, I get to take photos of whatever the heck I want, or whatever the heck I collect. And I choose not to act like an adult, so expect weird stuff when you go look. My favorite setting to use on the Nikon is the macro, but I don't have an awesome macro lens (some day! Nikon just came out with a new one for about $600 and I think I'm going to have to save for it next year, after Christmas is over). I also love Flickr because you can join groups and share your photos with people who love the same thing as you. For example, I collect vinyl toys called Treesons, so I joined a group related to that and I can share photos I've taken with my Treesons, as well as look at what others have taken with theirs. As it stands I'm in about 116 different groups, which I of course can't be active in all of them, but they're there if I want to look!

I'm also hopelessly addicted to StumbleUpon. It's this awesome program you install in your browser so it becomes part of the Toolbar. You pick a list of interests and when you hit "Stumble," it will show you something related to one of your interests. You can also choose to stumble through a particular interest you've chosen as well. The best part, however, is the "Share" feature. You can become friends with other Stumblers and stumble them website's you've seen--whether you found them through Stumble or browsing on your own--and comment on it. When you send them a Stumble, or when someone sends you one, a little number appears next to the Stumble button to show someone has sent you something. You can click it, read their comment, and reply to them about the particular website you're looking at. I love it because my mom, sister & I use it to send each other things that we find online that we want the others to see but that don't really require an email to check out. I've gotten a couple of friends and a cousin addicted to it, too, because it's just way too easy to send someone something to check out, and I love it.

I also realize this next one makes me seem like I'm 12, but remember the comment about me not being grown-up on my Flickr? That applies here, too. I love Neopets! I've been a member, according to my profile, for 9 1/2 years and started playing on April 30, 2000. I go in spurts but I always keep on coming back to play once in a while. My favorite is December because they have an Advent calendar. I even still have the same pet (which I named FairyCloudPrincess and who is a Blumaroo) for almost as long as I've had my account. Neopets is this whole little world--you can play games to earn neopoints (which is Neopian money), buy and sell, put money in the bank or keep stuff in your safety deposit box, build yourself a house, join an army, and join a guild to interact with other Neopians. Sadly, I'm a member of a guild that long ago died because the owner disappeared, but I liked it too much to go away in case she ever comes back. I made a good friend on there that I am penpals with to this day (I know! It's a risk nowadays, but that worked for me then...now I have a PO Box because of my online shop so it's not as bad). Anyways, if you want to play around online, check it out. I remember when it first launched and it's neat to see how far it's come. It looks like Nickelodeon owns it now and there are several ads, but if you really get into it you can subscribe to it for like $10 a month to get rid of them.

That's all for now! I want to go mess around on the aforementioned websites. :)

Handmade Christmas Gifts

2009-11-22T00:24:00.000-08:00

I'm so proud of myself! I'm nearly done Christmas shopping. I've managed to squirrel away gifts since October! Even the last week of September. I hope I'm this good every year from here on out! I don't know how I did it, but I've managed to budget rather well for gifts. Probably because I have more bills this time around than I did last year and I had to budget or people would be getting squat for Christmas. In any case, I'm excited. Come the beginning of December I'm going to purchase a couple last gifts (because that's what my budget requires) and look ahead to getting some Christmas Cards done! Also, I'm getting a start on my handmade Christmas gifts. And, regardless of what my family says, I will pick up some "what the heck am I supposed to do with this?" stocking stuffers because they're fun and it's not Christmas without them. So there.

I'm not getting gifts for too many people outside my immediate family but I would like to do handmade gifts for some. My mom and I are discussing making some baked goods for people, which I think is going to be great! I bought some adorable Martha Stewart labels on sale at Michaels a few months back that say From the Kitchen Of, so I think we're all set. Other than the fact we have to figure out who we're making them for, we have to settle on the what. I'm dying to try those sugar cookies we used to make when we were little to pass out to family.

This week just felt like a waste of my time. I spent so much time sick...I caught a cold from a coworker and missed out on Monday & Tuesday at work (aside from the fact that Sunday, Monday and Tuesday was spent reading and sleeping...mostly sleeping! I've never slept that much!) and passed it on to my sister, who had a rather short work week as well, and possibly my dad, who is currently trying to fight the bug. Oops. At least it seems to get over with rather quickly, it's not lingering too badly. Other than this dang nose thing (I haven't ever used this much tissue in my life!) the cough seemed to kick out pretty quickly, and is nearly gone now. I think it's because it didn't settle in my chest, or even drop in for a visit, it was pure sinus pain. I've never had sinus pain like I did this week--I actually got a toothache from it!

Not much is going on this week other than that. I managed to get my energy together and spruce up my little bedroom. I have so many books it's ridiculous, but at least I can walk around again, and tomorrow I have room to get in my closet and dresser to put my laundry away. I even put a few books up on PaperBackSwap to trade. I'm trying to let go of the books I've read that I probably won't read again, no matter how much I like them. Some of them will never leave--like my Jane Austen--but others don't need to stick around and take up room when I so desperately need the room. They're just not leaving until they're read, that's all.

My dad saw my boxes of books on my hopechest and said, "You need to take some to Goodwill." Excuse me, I have to grasp my chest and theatrically die now. "Take them to Goodwill?" asked I, "where do you think I rescued them from?"

Anyone else fail at NaNoWriMo another year? I think I need to plan things out better. I did get quite a bit of writing done, of which I'm glad, just not near the massive amount I was hoping, especially once this bug hit. I need to plan for it one year, do nothing but come home from work and write. It's on my bucket list.

And with that I am off to go through saved files on my computer to see if I can extract any Handmade Christmas gift ideas. Ta ta for now!

October is almost gone...

2009-10-25T02:32:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it? Some days seem to really drag but the year is almost over! I started buying Christmas gifts a little at a time. Nothing huge--I can't afford huge and over the top this year. It's been a tough year financially, not to mention wage freezes at work, so everyone will be getting one "big" gift and a few small gifts this year. My sister and I are going to do what we did last year as well--just wrap the gifts with someone's name on it so no one in particular gets credit for buying it. My sister & I don't "keep track" of who gets the most gifts but we're always concerned we don't do enough for people.

This month has been very hectic. I mentioned we lost a family friend in my last entry. Part of the emotional roller coaster that week that I surprisingly failed to mention was we lost our dog of 15 years, Thistle, on Friday, September 11th. She's had a tough couple of years and she couldn't handle it anymore. I have a shadowbox I want to do with a few of her things and I'll be sure to share photos when I do. God really knew what He was doing, though--I have to hand it to Him. I may not like what He has planned, but it's in His hands for a reason.

You see, Thistle had become grumpy. Our dear girl was rather blind and deaf (not completely, but it had become pretty bad). She was unhappy with having three dogs run around the house and very often there would be fights with one of them in a struggle for power. We have four dogs, which makes a pack. My sister is the head of the pack (you think I'm joking?) and her dog wanted to be Top Dog. Clover knew Thistle was ill and this often created tension between them, ending up in fights. There were two the night before Thistle had to leave us, too. She would have been even more unhappy had we brought another dog into the house.

And then came Patches. Patches was Velma's dog and for years we told Velma not to worry--that if Patches was still around when she passed away that we'd take her, no questions ask. And we stuck to that. Patches is a sweet dog, about eleven, and she's fit rather well into the house. She's had a couple of tiffs but all in all it's working so far. We're still getting to know her and her personality--for example, no matter how angry Thistle was, she never bit me if I picked her up when she was angry, aside from the last year or so when she became so blind she was unable to tell who or what was coming at her, and even then it was only if we were breaking up a fight (I know, I know! First rule of owning dogs: Never break up a fight. But they're so little it's hard not to, and so we usually just end up picking one up to stop it). I don't trust Patches like that yet--but then again, Thistle grew up with us and I knew her like the back of my hand.

My sister says Patches looks like Stitch from Lilo & Stitch when she grabs food, and she does! Her teeth look like little pointy razors--and if you hold more than one treat out to her she'll do a darned good job at grabbing both instead of just the one that's meant for her. The transition is working because she's so attached to my dad and I think having her to fawn over helps with the pain of losing Thistle.

We inherited a few pieces of furniture and bits and bobs from Velma as well, which has thrown the house into a state of upheaval. We were so focused on getting Velma's house cleaned up that we really didn't have the time or energy to work on ours. And then I made it worse. I got a "big girl bed."

I've had a twin bed my entire life. Most recently I have had a captain's bed. I had one when I was younger and I was ecstatic to find one about almost eight years ago when I was senior in high school. So this twin bed, with lots of storage, had to come out of my room. And to fit my new full-sized bed in my room my big desk had to come out--a desk I'd bought precisely because it was so heavy if I ran into it, it hurt me, I didn't hurt the computer. And my garage sale hopechest didn't fit, either, so out that came.

So all of the things I stored had to come out from under the bed, out from the desk drawers, out from under the desk, out from in the hopechest, and off the top of the hopechest. A second hand desk was moved in from my sister's room, significantly smaller than mine had been. And since then I've been fiddling in my room, trying to pack things I'll need later, setting aside items for my various collections, and purging anything I don't need anymore or anything I come across where my first reaction is, "What was I thinking!?"

On that same token, a few things are still coming in! My awesome sister bought my aforementioned mattress set (while simultaneously finding a coworker to buy my beloved captain's bed my old back can no longer handle), my wonderful mother bought me a bedframe to lift the bed up and my sister and I found some long plastic tubs for storage that slide under the bed perfectly. I have one for Christmas gifts (I told you I was starting early! And no peeking, anyone, either!), one for Photographs, and one for Craft Supplies (because let's face it--no matter how big of a craft area in another part of the house we might get I still want something to fiddle with in my room!).

Have you seen the new Martha Stewart Glitter?! I'm obsessed with Glitter and hers is at the top of my list! Though trust me, I'll buy anything that sparkles. I walked into Walgreens for a $5 pair of panty hose and walked out with two vials of Fantasy Makers Confetti glitter for your face but for which I intend to use in resin. I spent about $12 and walked out without any pantyhose. And then my sister bribed me into going to Micheals last week. And I spent most of non-bill money on Glitter, and lots of it. And she did, too! Micheal's has this great kit of smaller sized Martha Stewart glitter for about $30 (I got mine for $15 with a 1/2 off coupon).

Suddenly, there's more! For about $20 you can get new glitter! Microbeads, the long thin confetti that reminds me of Christmas, stars and hearts, and neon colors. Oh, my! Over the course of 2 days my sister and I made trips with our 40% off coupons in order to purchase all but one of these new sets--and that's because the other had been sold out before we discovered them. I can't find an image of it to show you (it's under the bed and it'd be a pain to take a photo of at this time of night) but I have discovered a new brand of glitter I'm going to look into purchasing (Sugar Coating) and I've bookmarked Two Peas in a Bucket so if my Micheal's doesn't get all this new Martha Stewart Christmas Glitter in, then I'll be buying it from her!

I also bought a few (haha, few??) eyeshadows from BeautyFromTheEarth.com. They're discontinuing some of their eye shadows and since it's literally the only brand of eye shadow I use, I took this opportunity to stock up on them. There's a giveaway going on right now in celebration of 50 followers. You have the opportunity to win a $50 package from BeautyFromTheEarth.com and LittleDivaTutus.com So go check it out! I'm pretty sure I implied how much I love BFTE eyeshadows since I own so many. Maybe someday I'll take a photo and you can gasp in amazement at my packrattiness over eyeshadow.

I know I had more good news but, quite frankly, it's 3:30 in the morning and usually I'm getting up at 4:30 am (see what a couple extra days off does to my sleep cycle?? I'm a natural night owl!). This post is pretty long so maybe in the next day or so I'll do another. For now, congratulations on getting through this post! And go check out that giveaway and make yourself a BFTE order (and a Little Diva Tutu's one as well if you've got a child! Though I'm tempted to get one for Winnie for when she "dances"!!)

How Is Your Week Going?

2009-09-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

I've had a pretty emotional week--a complete roller coaster. Work, home, you name it, I'm pretty stressed out about it. However! There are a couple of ups to my week.

I went to the movies by myself to see the latest Sandra Bullock flick, "All About Steve." Did you read that? ALL ALONE. And you know what? It was good. The aloneness, I mean. And it turned out I wasn't alone in being alone--I sat in the front row alone and there was another girl in the back alone. The whole time. I think I'll be doing that more often.

The film itself wasn't the best, however, I did like how weird Sandra Bullock's character was. I think I've only seen one movie I didn't like that she was in, maybe two? She's definitely my favorite actress. The best part of the movie, though, was how weird she was! Because trust me. I'm very weird! And it's just nice to see it once in a while. Kinda verifies that it's okay for me to be weird. (If you haven't watched meekakitty on YouTube you need to! I wish I was that brave. (Don't feel sorry for me. The only I get, the more okay I am with being weird in public. Just be warned.)

My amazing photos arrived today as well! I finally got to put together the trio of photos I've been wanting to do for my dad. He has his Sharks memorabilia at work and I asked if I framed some of my photographs would he put them up? And he said yes. He chose Nabby, Thornton (Cheechoo behind him is a bonus) and JR (who retired this year, and what better photo of him than with my dad?!). I also ordered the photos Dad & I took with Setoguchi (SQUEE!!) but I need to purchase frames for those before he can put them up. Because it would look silly to be so pretty (read: I ordered the metallic sheen on them) and be taped to a wall. Also, Winifred wouldn't move so she insisted I take her photograph.

Next!

I tried Nutella. I never would have bought this myself without tasting it first but since my sister brought it home I tasted it. And holy moly! How have I lived without this stuff? I tried it on toast tonight and it was oh so good! This will be the death of me. I do insist, however, it is not a breakfast food and hope people don't use it that way. Because...wow. I'd be twice the size I am now if that were the case. I think it will be good, though, for a late night snack when I want something sweet but I still need something filling.

Another fabulous pick-me-up today was from the very talented MandiBeads on Etsy! She makes these awesome beaded pens and beautiful journals. She had a drawing on her blog to win a pen and I was! Yay, me! I will take lots of photos and show it off when it gets here, but I'm very excited. So check out her website, and also check out her blog because she's doing yet another giveaway! Her latest entry has a triple cupcake pen she did and I love it so. I picked out a cupcake one for myself so you know I have to love her triple one! I plan on buying a couple of her pens for Christmas gifts (I'm trying to start my shopping early! I started last week!) but I know all two of my lovely readers (Hi, Mom! Hi, Val!) will want to check out her stuff.

Is it weird I write like I'm writing for more people than I know is actually reading this? Ah, well. That's part of what makes me weird, I guess!
save

Dust Clouds, He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named & Invader Zim

2009-09-25T09:28:00.001-07:00

I had a strange dream this morning. One of those ones where it doesn’t seem real, the kind where you have a sense you’re stuck inside of a movie, but you still can’t wake up from it. It was strange from the start.

I was standing on a dirt road, staring into the distance, aware of the buildings on either side. They weren’t quite “old western” type houses but they were still older looking. Far away I could see an enormous cloud of dust rapidly traveling towards me. I had this overwhelming fear of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, even though it looked more like the sand storm created in The Mummy. That’s when I started screaming.

I ran to my room, which was more like a hotel room than an actual bedroom, where I started pulling down blinds so when the dust storm past Voldemort wouldn’t be able to see me. There were so many windows and so little of them covered, so many broken slats and jammed blinds. I tried tucking blankets into them but it wasn’t working and the sand storm was coming closer. I could hear the screaming of other people and bright lights.

The headboard of the bed was pushed against the wall underneath two large windows I hadn’t adequately covered. I literally threw myself beside the foot of the bed, crouching down as low as I could, crying, scared, trying not to be seen. Spotlights were flashing and I could hear a booming voice making demands of those the lights focused on.

Ch-chunk! A chick with a gun was standing next to me. My eyes widened in horror, terrified she was going to make me stand up. Felicia Day (or more accurately, her character from Dollhouse’s Epitaph One dressed almost like Lara Croft) was standing there, badass like, with a huge gun.

I don’t know what she asked but I shook my head just the same. The thought ran through my head that this was just a drill, role playing. “I thought I could do it,” I told her, tears streaming down my face, “but I can’t. I just…can’t.” Felicia squatted next to me and pointed the gun at the windows. The spotlights were here.

The bright lights shown through the broken blinds, blinding me, breaking the pitch-black darkness I’d been trying to find cover in. A whispered conversation was interrupted by a deep, electronic voice urging me to come out. It seemed like an eternity—and truly felt like He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named wanted to add me to his collection of those he’d taken down. I still can’t figure out the purpose of the dust cloud—was it an exercise, or was he really after us? And if it was an exercise, what in heaven’s name was I supposed to be doing? Fighting a dust and lights?

When the lights finally continued on Felicia stood up. She wasn’t wearing shoes for some reason and decided to try mine on so she could walk outside. She put her foot in one of my Invader Zim shoes—Gir’s silly face stamped on the top of a bright-green slip on. She smiled down at it and asked if she could take it. As much as it pained me I told her yes, besides, she had a gun! I wondered if Hot Topic would have in more in stock—I’d have to replace them. Not only did I love those shoes but would my sister believe me when I told her how they were lost?

I pointed to the disgarded shoe, “There’s the other one.”

“I just need one,” she told me.

“Don’t you want both?” Why on earth would she want just one?

Felicia smiled at her now-lime green foot, “He’s my friend,” she told me, as if that explained everything. And so, with bad-ass Felicia Day staring down at one Invader Zim shoe on her foot, having just been passed over by dust-cloud Voldemort, I woke up.

I still cannot fathom why my brain put together that combination of items for a dream but when I woke up this morning I decided to wear my Invader Zim shoes. Just in case.

Frighteningly Cliche

2009-09-21T07:52:00.001-07:00

My neighbor gave me a heart attack this morning. Cue: Full fledge movie gasp.

I leave the house at just after 5:30 in the morning. It’s dark outside, and I am always paranoid that someone’s going to jump out at me. Why me? I don’t know. Too many crime television shows, I guess. In any case I always look around.

I spent this weekend working on catching up on Season One of Dollhouse so I’ll be able to follow the storyline when it premieres on Friday. People on that show are always getting snuck up on, hit or kidnapped so when I walked onto the front porch this morning I was more aware of my surroundings than I usually am. Or I thought I was.

I glanced around while I locked the front door, looked around my car and up and down the street when I walked down the short path. I even glanced at the neighbor’s yard and saw nothing more than bushes. And then I gasped.

My elderly neighbor was standing in front of her window, outside by the bushes. I couldn’t make anything out other than shadows and she just…watched. I tried to calm my nerves and say, “Good morning,” but inside my heart was racing and I was shaking up—all those clichés you read about that you swear don’t exist. I opened the car door ready to sit down for a moment but then she spoke.

“Are you up late?” She asked, slowly moving towards me. If she’d have been a criminal I certainly would have been dead—how had I not seen her standing there? I’m taking my pepper spray out to the car with me in the morning, I’ve decided. It’s not staying in my purse anymore. And if she scares me again and I react with it in my hand, then, it’s not my fault. Surely the cops would understand if I explained she snuck up on me twice.

“No, I’m on my way to work,” I explained, throwing my purse in the car.

“Were you up late last night?” She asked again, trying to clarify her meaning.

“No, I go to bed early,” I said, though I’m still a night owl that has to pry herself out of bed at 4:30 every morning.

“I heard someone,” she moved towards her house. “Like this.” She rapped twice on the wood below her window. My chest felt heavy, kind of panicky. I had heels on for the first time in months and she insisted I follow her up the driveway even though I’d been half crouched down to is. She motioned me to stand below her bathroom window. I tell her I didn’t hear anyone, that my parents were up late up but they were inside the house, not outside. Geez, I was bad enough about thinking someone was going to grab me when I tried to get in my car, didn’t she know this?

“I heard it here,” she explained, grabbing the loose end of her bathroom screen and pulling, then pushing it back in, trying to force it to stay. My mind raced and for a split second my mind pictured someone in all black trying to pry the screen from the little bathroom window—as if it were low enough for them to crawl into, or big enough for them to fit. Her next words eased all my fears.

“I guess I should get used to it, it’s been happening for years…” Paranoia confirmed, my heartbeat slowed back to normal.

“That’s not something you should have to get used to,” I babbled. “But, you know, this is a busy street. There’s a lot of things going on here at night. I slept in my sister’s room last night and heard talking, radios and car alarms…there’s just a lot of activity on this street.” She stayed silent and I slowly edged towards my car.

“I’ve got to get to work…”

Silence.

I sat and closed the door, buckling and quickly turning the car on, not even waiting for the window to defog before I backed down the driveway. My neighbor was strange…the kind you hear about in fairy tales. Not the eating children ones, but maybe the kind where they end up with Boo Radley like reputations because they’re so strange. Either way, I’ve never been so happy to arrive at work, to be around people who—I hope—won’t sneak up on me so silently.

Website Issues

2009-09-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

In an effort to take my mind off things the last couple of days I've been tinkering with my website. And it's frustrating. Why does the entire table move over when I make my lists (like of Meg Cabot's books)? The table sizes are the same on every page, yet on a few they move over to the right, the whole thing, so they don't line up when you click from one page to the next. I also had to solve some weird issue the Blog Links page had--they kept opening in new windows and I never asked them to.

It doesn't take too long to create a new page but it will if it keeps going crooked like that! It's late and I wanted to be asleep (or trying to be asleep) 45 minutes ago. This apparently is not going to happen any time soon, and I'm too exhausted and worn out to write anything else. I'll merely quote the title of a book I read when I was younger: Longer Letter Later.

P.S. I got a comment by someone weird and my trash can is not showing up so I can delete individual comments. For now, comments are going into moderation. I get only a few so this shouldn't be overwhelming to approve them, and I will sort this out as soon as possible.

Melancholy

2009-09-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

My sister and I have begun weekly challenges between the two of us--not competitions. Last weeks, though not a success was not a complete failure, was no sweets. I lasted 6 days with no chocolate. Not bad.

This week's is to write something every day. This is what I wrote after a long day in which a family friend passed away. I realize there might be a few too many repetitive words so please excuse them; I'm re-training myself in the art of writing after a rather long hiatus. I just want to write something down, anything. That's half the battle.

She was a feisty woman with a strong mind. She was stubborn and knew what she wanted. She'd been alive for eighty-four years and was well set in her own ways.

Cancer had silently invaded her body but had only recently been discovered. Two spots, stage four liver cancer. When she asked what they could do for her it had been tactfully explained that there was no stage five.

She ended up in the hospital in pain and moved to the rehabilitation center only three days prior. It was expected she would reside in the center a minimum of two weeks for observation. She wanted badly to go home, to live with her beloved dog and sleep in her own bed. Her caretakers knew they'd have to hire a nurse and were in the beginning stages of preparation.

Her illness was to be long, drawn-out. Everyone involved had had experiences of their own with sick family members or friends. There was a period of suffering, of pain, that was difficult for the patient and even harder for the onlookers.

The catalyst for the change seemed to be the fall early Friday morning or late Thursday night. The fiercely independent woman refused to wait a sufficient amount of time for assistance to use the bathroom. Her feet twisted wrong and down she went, landing hard on her hip. An x-ray had been taken but nothing was to be done unless it was fractured. Options were to be explained the doctor's next weekday rounds, pushed to Tuesday because of the Labor Day holiday.

Saturday the same tall woman was confined to her bed, unable to sit or stand without hurt. Her pale complexion had several individuals informing loved ones the end would be sooner than expected, but even then it looked like a matter of days. A visit with her revealed that, although a bit confused, she was quite capable of sharing her opinion on a variety of topics and fully understood the medical advice given to her by the nurse.

The look in her eyes was difficult to take in. She'd gotten herself into a pickle that she couldn't get out of. There would be no surprising the doctors and walking again, no more independence that was once so vital to her well-being. It was easy to sense the hope this woman had when she was admitted had been lost in the fall.

A heart-wrenching expression filled her face, her usually straight lips turned down at the corners in sadness. She admitted she wasn't going home disappointed she wasn't able to. When she found out her dog was being brought for a visit she whispered, "I'd like to see my Patchie," tears in her eyes. Her beloved dogg was a bright spot in such deary circumstances.

The next morning the rehabilitation center called. She wasn't doing well. The doctor was on his was.

Just that morning she'd been pulling at the rings on her swollen fingers, alert. By 8:30 am she lay asleep, her mouth agape. Movement of cheek-to-cheek hugs, kisses and whispers in her ear did nothing to disturb her sleep. Where was she? Lost in dreams? Simply unconscious--or could she hear her loved ones visiting?

A call was placed and within minutes her furry companion was crawling over her legs, stretching towards her face before settling at her feet. What was going through the dog's mind--did she know, was she content to merely lay by her side, or was she waiting for her mommy to reaach for her?

Her open mouth dried her tongue and it was carefully whetted, in thoughts that she might try to swallow after breathing through it for so long. Conversation continued for just a moment, a head turned, and hearts skipped a beat. When her shallow breathing had stopped completely. Surrounded by friends so close they were family, holding out to feel the fur of her creature friend one last time, her body no longer struggled. She was gone.

The long, unexpected fight had ended short and sweet instead, with dignity. There was little pain, certainly that had been expected she would go through, and no morphine. It was what everyone hopes for when it's their turn to face our Savior.

One moment she was herself, but without breath and lifeless. Two minutes later she was only a body, no longer herself, a shell that housed a flown soul. "She was gone long before she left," someone said. The tears released the pent up tension and bottled up emotion of those left behind. Automatic pilot switched on. Calls were to be made, final bills paid, arrangements to be settled and the government to be notified.

The end of an era had come and gone. With this woman went stories, connections and memories she had collected for eight and a half decades. A life lost, a history gone, and those who remembered her left to pick up the pieces of what she'd left behind.

Home Sweet Home

2009-08-01T02:26:00.001-07:00

The week went by fast. I've left my grandparents and the quiet city of Redding to come back home. I feel like it was just a couple of days instead that I left. Aside from The Cardboard Incident, the drive home was without incident (and once again I managed to get us to our destination without switching off drivers...this only makes me feel even more sheltered than I usually feel).

I have not had a week of nothing planned for ages. I felt like I was on spring break from school, but without the obligatory "What I Did..." report. I don't have much to show for my vacation and for once I don't feel guilty about it.

My dad and I ventured out to the dam the other day and stopped by the river on our way back. The city has put up a water park by the river so it's no longer as accessible from our normal spot as it once was. I'll dip my toes in the water another time I guess--this area of the shore was claimed by geese and guarded by the largest spiders I've ever seen "in real life," photos not included. I'm not a fan of spiders, especially ones that look like they could swallow my pinky finger whole.

I dragged my father to two different book stores one day and the Salvation Army. Cal's books was my favorite--stacks and rooms and shelves of books! That second hand bookstore only adds fuel to the fire of the library in my head (bedroom? Who needs a bedroom when you can have a whole room of BOOKS!). I coerced my grandmother into telling my dad it was necessary to stop at Lisa's Book Nook the next day because I had already read two of the three books I'd picked out, and two of the three I'd bought. I could have returned Thursday for another book but I held back.

I have several pages of writings that may or may not turn into anything. If they don't, at least I have the pages and if they do, good for me. What the past week did was bring back my urgency to write. I missed that. The Cardboard Incident made me want to pull over and write what I was thinking (I usually write in my head, very rarely jotting anything down). I settled with pulling into a rest area when it was over and texting it to my email since my dad was so anxious to continue on. If I were alone I probably would have sat in on a picnic table and written at least a few sentences down, no matter how badly my parking spot was wanted.

I also have a stack of books I read that marked how I spent much of my time:
The Host by Stephanie Meyers -- by the author of the Twilight books.
While I feel like the Twilight series was a waste of time (that I never would have finished if I knew I couldn't read them all so quickly, I finished them in a few days) I enjoyed, and even recommend, this book. I'd compare it to the Invasion of the Body Snatchers if I had actually seen that movie. Ian turned out to be my favorite character.

Losing My Mind : An Intimate Look at Life with Alzheimer's by Thomas DeBaggio
This was a difficult read because my great grandmother had this disease. We're not sure yet if Alzheimer's runs in the family or if it was a genetic fluke that she had to struggle through it, but that fear is always in the back of our throats. Mamaw doesn't show any signs and she's the age her mother was when the disease started to take her from us. The author of this book wrote it over a period of several months, beginning when he himself was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. There are sections that are repetitive, others confusing. It's terrifying being aware you're losing your mind and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot
This was book One. I resisted Book Two at Lisa's Book Nook... I own this book already but it was six hours away at home so I gave in and bought it during my third trip to a book store. It was just as cute as I remember and I'll be working my way through the entire series from here. (I'm re-reading a lot of books I read when I was younger simply because I no longer remember them.)

All-American Girl by Meg Cabot
This book was so cute, another quick read for me. I've decided I'm going to work my way through all of Meg Cabot's books and I'm glad I started with this one.

Ready or Not by Meg Cabot, sequel to All-American Girl
I'm a bit more prudish than your average American girl, I realize that. Whether it's because of my sheltered upbringing or this "archaic tradition" of waiting for marriage that I'm upholding, I was still shocked at the topic broached by this book and how, er, it approached them. Still, it was fun to revisit the characters of a book I'd already finished. I ran across this sequel the day after I read the first book and nearly left it on the shelf at Lisa's.

How to Be Popular by Meg Cabot
Another Meg Cabot! Didn't think I was serious about reading them all, did you? Anyways, this was another cute book, another quick read. I read 4 of this author's books in 2 days--I'm not sure if that gives you a sense of how quickly I read or a better sense of her target audience (young adult).

Victorian Fairy Tales: The Revolt of the Fairies and Elves, edited by Jack David Zipes
I've read two stories from this book so far and am currently paused on Cinderella. I love how each story begins with a short background of the author and context in which that particular tale was chosen to represent the era.

I also am still reading North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell and picked up a couple of Jane Austen related books (one on Jane Austen herself and another "fall in love with Mr. Darcy" type things).

Considering it's 3am I better get to bed. I've written too much on a topic that would just be a list of books read on someone else's blog. Inexplicably, I have an intense desire to discuss everything I've read.

And I promise, The Cardboard Incident doesn't deserve an entry all it's own. It's just a piece of cardboard that hitched a ride on the front of the car in Sacramento and didn't dislodge until traffic came to a halt in Stockton because of an accident. The only way I could get rid of that darned piece of cardboard was to come to a dead stop. I prayed the entire time it was stuck to the grill in hopes it wouldn't hit someone's windshield and cause a collision--I just couldn't find an easy off-ramp/on-ramp to take care of the situation sooner. My dad didn't think it needed another thought but I'm sorry, anything deemed a potential hazard causes me a bit more anxiety than the average driver.

The Sound of Silence

2009-07-25T23:08:00.000-07:00

Well, that was an experience! Yesteday marks the first time I drove that many miles, or that many hours, without switching off with someone else. I've made the trip a hundred times but I've mostly been lucky enough to sleep through chunks of it (or all of it when I was younger!), which of course makes it quicker. This time my dad was the lucky one--he snored through 2/3's of the trip!

I saw a lot of interesting things, and a lot of boring things. For instance, at the Westley rest stop I saw a cat on a leash. I've heard people do that, but have never seen it. It's pretty brilliant if you know you have to take them on a long carride. The poor creature doesn't have to sit in a crate the entire time and can crawl partly up a tree for some fresh air. (I, personally, would not have allowed my cat up a tree, no matter how low. How do you know it's not going to get so high you can't get it back down!?) I also saw an enormous shaggy dog at the same park, but failed to take a photo as I'd already put my zoom lens away. I'm not sure what it was, but it was grey and large, and not at all fat. I'll have to do some research on that later.

The weirdest thing I encountered was when I was going 70 miles per hour down the highway. I saw this strange shape flying at the car, a long skinny thing hooked into the one below it by the rear end. My eyes focused on the object before it smoothly drifted away from my windshield. Yes, I had seen the miracle of nature porn: dragonfly sex. I later saw the largest one I've ever seen fly past my window when I drove up to my grandparents house. Mamaw then found one that had died on the porch--it had 3 wings so I'm not sure if it died from the heat or if it was something that had snipped the wing off.

I've been sheltered from the heat most of the day. I slept about 12 hours (I always sleep a lot on Saturdays, and with the trip it made me that much more exhausted) and I'm glad I brought my beautiful Target blankets with me. They're perfect to snuggle in. And the bed! Oh! It's heaven! I slept in the middle of the bed, sank in just so, and with the fan going it was just bliss. Comments have been made regarding my rainbow toenail polish but I've chosen to ignore them. I'm suddenly into COLOR! and I'm going to embrace it. The colors make me happy lately and just brighten up the room.

It's a relief that I can check my email from here. I know that's not what you're supposed to do on vacation but there's a peace of mind being able to make sure I can forward something on to someone if it needs to be taken care of faster. Then I logged onto my personal email...with 500 messages. Most of which is junk mail, but a pain to have to delete. Again, I'm still happy to have the ability to check it from here. Can you imagine how much junk I would have to delete after I got home if I didn't get to rifle through it here first?

Right now I'm uploading the last bit of my photos to my flickr. I took only a few yesterday, and even more today. I'm disappointed I slept so much today--it passed so quickly!--but am looking forward to the point when it sinks in that I don't have to go to work for an entire week!

The quiet up here is amazing. I haven't heard any sirens and the only policemen I saw were CHP's who had pulled speeders over on the way up. It's just so serene. For example, the only sounds I hear now are crickets, a fan, and Papaw humming. I wish my hometown was so peaceful.

Words, Books & Writing

2009-07-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

I love words. It’s not that I have an obsession with them; it’s just that they’re everywhere. I love the English language and the meaning simple letters can convey if they’re placed in a particular order. Letters written in the style of Jane Austen makes me swoon while misplaced punctuation kills the mood and makes me cringe.

Out of all of my out-of-control collections, the books are the worst. I don’t make enough time for reading but I have stacks of books just the same. I intend to read them, and that’s enough.

My shelves are packed with books, my “stool” that allows the old dog to climb onto the end of my bed is a bin weighed down with books that has to be pushed out of the way to get to the dresser’s bottom drawers. The space under my desk where my legs should fit is boarded up by books and my “new” suitcase from Goodwill is in front of my closet, loaded with Meg Cabot books. They’re stacked on chairs, squeezed between boxes at the end of my bed and balanced on top of the small television. At times they spill out into the hallway, pushed in towers against the wall for support, or sit on the kitchen table.

I can’t stay away from the written word. I have a growing list of blogs bookmarked on my computer and have twitter applications installed in my browsers, as well as receiving twitters to my phone. I email myself the names of books while I’m out to add to my at-capacity PaperBackSwap and Amazon wish lists.

And it doesn’t stop there—I won’t go into my inability to stop myself from buying a new journal or notebook even though the ones I own are no where near being filled. And the notecards, the stationary! The long lost art of letter writing is not practiced often enough in my house to account for my inability to walk away from adorable paper.

I have other collections, other obsessions, all that have nothing or something to do with writing. Crayons and coloring books are stored in my closet, Titanic memorabilia is displayed on my bookshelves in front of my books and I don’t yet have a bag to store my photography gear in.

I have an impulse shopping problem, your typical American “I want it, and I want it now!” attitude, one that has me juggling bills and allowing my family to edit or buy my thrift store purchases. Both my partners in crime, my mom and my sister, have told me the one thing they won’t deprive me of are books, no matter how many I’ve picked out.

This love of reading and writing, this gobbling of text, is ingrained in me. My family supports my addition and I, in turn, support theirs. It’s in my blood.

I admit I’m not perfect in the writing department. I’m an out-of-practice “English nazi” who is obsessively checking the local junior college schedule every semester hoping the Grammar & Punctuation class falls at night. I have plans to retake English classes and creative writing classes afterwards, with aspirations of some day obtaining a Masters in English or Journalism—something, anything, to do with writing.

I was frustrated at myself for taking the easy way out at college—I enrolled online so I could keep the job I had and earned my degree in Management. I worked hard for it, I know because I had to do all the work!, but I wasn’t happy. My schooling wasn’t interesting to me. My heart just wasn’t in the subject matter.

I’ve long expressed my most ardent desire to become an author, of which the drive behind it has been sorely lacking, partly due to the aforementioned college degree. My imperfect grammar and my overuse of commas need to be controlled, not to mention my rusty writing. I’m also very undisciplined and so out of the habit of writing that at times I’m nervous to start.

Not everyone struggles to write. I’m the type of people whose emails often exceed letter length and head straight for novel-writing. I’m sure I’ve scared more than my fair share of correspondents. For me, it’s just something that can’t be helped. A quick note for me means a minimum of two paragraphs and a few scattered sentences. I can hardly cram my thoughts into 140 characters on Twitter. The issue is what I write.

I enjoy reading Harry Potter, Jane Austen, Meg Cabot, Jane Green and the Mark of the Lion Triology. I love fading into the world beyond the words on a page and losing myself in the fantasy that sentences create in my head. I’m constantly amazed by the skill songwriters have when I sing my favorite songs in the car and their ability to express feelings so gorgeously. But when it’s my turn, I freeze.

I’m so intimidated by what the authors I read have created that I’m terrified that what I write won’t live up to those standards. My entire life I’ve wanted to write. I can’t go a day without writing something—a blog, an email, a tweet, even scribbling notes to myself. I enjoy shoving notebooks in my purse so if inspiration strikes I’m prepared—though it hardly ever comes.

I almost feel as if I’ve closed off part of my imagination because I figure whatever is going to be written is already written, and who wants to read what I write? Or that I’m lying when I write a story, especially if someone finds it and doesn’t realize what it is. Even worse—I fear I’m no good. So, for now, I stick with the old adage, “write what you know.” I journal when I get the nerve, or sketch out a quick script for YouTube. Even to-do lists ease that ache in my fingers of having to write something down, anything. It’s just not enough.

I’m about to take a week-long trip to see my grandparents. Not unlike other aspiring writers, I’m currently flat broke. I don’t plan on shopping excursions so as to avoid putting any expenses on plastic and I’m hoping to get in some quality reading time. I’ve also made a list of subjects to journal about and have been eyeing a notebook to bring with me to write in. I’m going to force myself to take this opportunity to try and fill it, bad grammar, unimaginative subjects and all.

Celebrities on Twitter

2009-07-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

I've heard some people are disgusted with Twitter, especially with people following celebrities on there. It can make it easier to "stalk" them, I guess. I don't know--I live far from any celebrity, except John Steinbeck & he's buried six feet under. But, in defense, isn't that the point?

Not stalking, exactly, but knowing what celebrities are up to. I follow friends on Twitter, family... I love Twitter. Instead of texting ten different people at once to tell them something, I can text to one place and they'll all see it. It's very convent, especially since it works on the most basic level on my very basic cell phone. I don't have to have an iPhone to make it work (that's a whole 'nother wish!)

I myself follow celebrities because I think it's an interesting look into their personalities. I have this bad habit of viewing celebrities as a kind of character, putting them on pedestals. I've met a couple in my life and I'm always surprised at how human they are. It's hard to remember they could be a friend if they weren't famous. Twitter brings them down to my level for me--they're just doing something with their lives I'm not and they're better known for it. And I like getting to know them a bit better through Twitter.

Even better, the stalking point is useless because only celebrities who want to utilize this new technology are using it, and they'll say whatever they want, whenever they want--it's not an interview, they're not there to specifically promote one thing, and they have control over their own information. (Unless you're Nick Carter, who posted his phone number...And yes, judge me if you wish, but I follow all the Backstreet Boys. It's a weakness. For about ten years now...Eep. Scratch that. Twelve.)

Here's a sample of a few celebrities I follow on Twitter, and why:

Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) I love Hannah Montana. I enjoy things that make me happy, and this show is one of those things. There's a fun aspect to Disney Channel shows that most adult shows lack, and an innocence that has long been lost in a society where premarital sex, and promiscuity in general, is rampant. I don't have to worry about watching any of that in front of other people, whether something inappropriate is going to be shown and embarrass men, and I enjoy that lack of inappropriateness. Hannah Montana has become one of my favorite shows, and I enjoy Miley Cyrus and think it's fun to follow her.

Jon McLaughlin (@JonMcLaughlin) One of my favorite singers--it's fun to see how close your favorite artists get to your hometown, if they've been somewhere you have, or if they enjoy a particular part of a town they're in. For example, I got to see a photo of Joey McIntyre riding a cable car in San Fransisco from his eyes, not the paparazzi's, and it's somewhere I've been and something I want to do. How cool is that?

Meg Cabot (@megcabot) Author of The Princess Diaries. I'm an aspiring author and I love anything written by her that I've read. It's fun to follow her when she posts about anything she posts about, photos, and her sense of humor is great.

Nathan Fillion (@nathanfillion) I'm a Browncoat, a Firefly obsessed fan. And before that recent discovery about myself, I'll watch anything with Mr. Fillion in it anyways. So yes, I do get a bit of a fangirl squee! out of any gorram mention, or Serenity figurine propped up on his windowsill.

Amber Benson (@amber_benson) Actress, best known as Tara, Willow's girlfriend on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. One of the best things I love about Twitter is the chance fans have to directly interact with their favorite celebrities. And the fact that these celebrities actually write back! It's awesome to me and I think any celebrity that takes the time to stop and answer one of their fans is amazing. I don't even answer everyone that asks me a question, and I'm not famous. That, and I know how fun it is to receive an answer from a celebrity (no matter what form they're famous on... Micheal Buckley, from his YouTube "What the Buck" show, answered one of my tweets and you'd have thought I'd have met him in person).

In short, I think following on celebrities is fun. When I answer one, I don't expect an answer. It's just fun to! Part of life is having fun, being a dork, and embracing how weird you are. Besides, you never know when a celebrity might actually answer back.

Why do you follow celebrities on Twitter? And who?

PaperBackSwap

2009-05-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

This website has changed my life. I know I keep talking about it, but I'm completely in love with it! Not only am I able to send off a lot of books that I don't want without having to donate them, but I get to choose something for it in return. The ability to print postage right on the label is just amazing. I know it seems a little silly, but I'm just glad I don't have to print a shipping label, then turn around and print a separate label for postage.

My only complaint with that are the label options it allows when you print postage. You can print the label in the middle of the page, which works well if you're wrapping it around a small book, but not if you're printing on labels. I like to choose the option that prints the information at the top so it fits on one label of a two-sticker/label sheet. The problem with this is there's a paperbackswap.com logo that prints on the 2nd one, creating a wasted label.

I messed with the settings the last time I mailed something and learned how to print just a selection of a PDF. The problem with that is it automatically centers the selection instead of centering it at the top. Which meant I had to mess with the settings some more. I cut the label sheet in half, popped it in sideways, and printed it like it was printing on an index card. It's the only way I could figure out how to do it without wasting the 2nd label. (Mom! I hope you didn't throw my note away for that! I think I left it on your desk.)

I just got a couple of new books in the mail Monday and Tuesday.
Monday I received When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric Ludy & Leslie Ludy. The 2nd book of their love story is on hold, and hopefully I will get that one as well. (The only books I've had cancelled on me were a Titanic Audio CD, which was stolen off the person's desk before they could mail it to me, as well as a Disney book where my request simply expired because the person didn't log on to accept the request--so I re-requested it, and it's now on it's way to me.)

I'm also trying to let credits sit there. I need to get rid of the mindset that just because I have credits doesn't mean I have to request books right away, especially since I just requested a whole slew of books that I can't possibly finish reading within the next month. I requested so many a couple of weeks ago that I had to buy credits to request the books I put on my wish list.

I'm working on that, though. I want at least one credit to sit there so if something from my wish list comes up I have a credit to use instead of spending the money (although at about $3.45 a credit it's actually cheaper than buying books of eBay--everyone on eBay wants $3 for shipping, so even though a book might cost $1, it's still cheaper to request from PBS). Right now I have 1 credit because I requested 3 books for my mom.

That's what I love about this website--if I've sent off a book and paid $2.50 in media shipping, that's all it is going to cost me to buy another book. The Ghosts of the Abyss 3-d book I received yesterday is amazing! I never would have spent the money to buy it myself full price. That's why I love this site. I can request books I wouldn't pay full price for but want to read.

As a side note, I still have a tendency to drop $100 in one trip to the book store, so in no way is this website actually making bookstores lose money. I've spent several hundred dollars in the past year on books at thrift stores and bookstores. Some of these books that I refuse to pay full price for include children's books. It can be $15 for a simple children's book, with ten pages! It's just a shock to my system. So now I pick them up at thrift stores, or PBS.

Three books I just requested are by Cornelia Funke, author of the Inkheart triolgy. My mom read all three books, I've read the first and my sister is working on the third, I believe. It's an excellent series, very well written, and my mom is interested in reading her other books. I priced them in the store, however, it's just too much for me to spend on books that are not as long as the Inkheart triology. The Inkheart books are very long and the others she wrote are not. So I requested them on PBS.

The three books I requested are:
Dragon Rider
The Thief Lord (co author with Oliver Latsch)
Ghosthunters And The Gruesome Invincible Lightning Ghost

The Ghosthunters book is one of four in that series, the remaining three I put on my WishList.

I'm sorry I'm so obsessed with books at the moment! But I'm really enjoying this break from television (although hockey doesn't count...I miss my Sharks!).

Do you have any books you recommend I read? The only type of books I would prefer not reading are science fiction (fantasy is ok--think Spiderwick or Harry Potter), blood/guts (true crime, fake crime), and trashy romance novels (and I say that with love--my cousin reads them). I don't really like law-type books, but John Grisham's The Chamber was so enjoyable for me that I don't want to scratch it off the list completely.

What the Buck & My Name

2009-04-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

I am a computer nerd. I'm the first to admit it. Part of the reason is because I'm home a lot. Not much of the reason, because I'm a computer nerd anyway, but part. And I'm on YouTube a lot. No, I don't post videos, except maybe the random video of forcing my dog to do something cute, but not enough to say I'm a poster, but I do watch videos on there like crazy.

One of my favorite YouTubers is WhatTheBuck. I "attended" my first live show, where I wasn't early enough to be one of the 150 people in the chat room while he did his video, and where I wasn't knowledgeable enough to know that you could win his autograph if you signed up for it in the forum (heck, I didn't know he had a forum!) but since then I am. Yes, for the last, oh, two hours or so. But it still counts.

Anyways, it was so much fun! And so random. I started to watch one of his live shows and never finished it because I got bored. I think it was too "old" for me in that when he does a live show he talks about recent things--for example, in tonight's episode he asked if Ugly Betty was new tonight. The live show is a little long for me to watch after the fact, however, the live show is an hour long and he cuts it down to 1/2 an hour before he posts so I might end up watching some in the future (I am an addict for his YouTube videos, though, so don't let that stop you from checking those out!).

Some highlights from the video: Val, my beloved sister, you have to check out minute 8:02 in the "Buck in a dress & Handstand" video, which was tonight's episode. Yeah, I know he wasn't talking to YOU, but when no one ever means me when I hear "Dawn" in a song and I get a kick out of it anyway.

AND HE SAID MY NAME! Well, my username. Even better? It made the video cut! And I don't care that he pronounced it wrong--honestly, he's the first person that actually has ever tried to pronounce it the way it's spelled. Most people say 'Ti-tan-ik-uh." Which is almost what I chose, titanica, but it's not. I pronounced it "see-uh," however my mom was kind enough to point out, "you spelled it ik-uh." So I changed it to the spelling she suggested. See where the "i" is placed? It's after the i, so titancia is actually "Ti-tan-see-uh."

Buck reads my tweet at 20:50: "ti-tan-ee-see-uh." Seriously, that's the closest anyone's ever gotten to pronouncing my username correctly. Gold star for you, Buck! (I don't think I realized how difficult it would be for people to pronounce my username when I chose it several years ago, and I ended up using it for a slew of different websites, including the Josh Groban forum. When I started going to meet-n-greets I learned it can be hard for people to say. This is where I say "At least my real name is easy to pronounce!" but really--I can't tell you how many times I've been called Donna or Dawna. One sub in highschool even called me "Down."

So! My whole five minutes of fame from Buck's live show:
Ti-tan-ee-see-uh writes, "flip flip BUG EYES!" Did I say flip flip bug eyes?" Oh, we're all gonna fight about it!

If you don't watch anything else in the video, watch that! Remember: 20:50. (Make sure the marker is a little before so you don't miss it!) And I'll let you in on a little secret. Before I posted that on Twitter I wanted to make sure I was right. So I watched the very end of his video on YouTube, then posted on Twitter, so in case Buck read my tweet, I'd be right. Because I'm paranoid like that, yo.

Tonight, though, was a lot of fun and I'll be trying to catch as many of his live shows if I happen to remember (anyone who knows me knows if you want to remember something, you don't ask me to remind you).

P.S. See my icon? I haven't touched my icons since I logged back onto LJ since...last July? This has been on there since way before then. Let it be known I've thought this boy was hot since Harry Potter. I didn't jump on the Twilight bandwagon because of the books--no, I decided to watch the movie because I found out he was in it, and I loved him in HP and cried buckets when he died, in the movie & in the book.

The movie came out in November, and my cousin was like, read the books before it comes out! So I did, right before the last book came out August 2. All four of them, in like one weekend (I bought the last book for my cousin to surprise her with and got so caught up in the books the previous week that by the time she got it I had read all four books in about three days--the last book came out on a Saturday and I brought it into work for her that Monday...

I'd like to state for the record they really weren't that good, and they were a fast read, and to this day I cannot explain why I like the books or the movie--HP is much better quality in both film & novel, but at least I have Cedric to look at again! And this time the boy ain't gonna be killed by no Voldemort!

P.P.S. Remember how I said I'm addicted to Paperbackswap.com? (use referral name titancia if you sign up!!) I got two three four new books this week! I got a Disney Treasury book which is a big kid's book, but I'm too cheap to pay for it and I still wanted it (I've got 3 other ones so it's for my collection of those), the first Sookie Stackhouse novel (my sister is reading that first, I might eventually get to it) and two "self-help" books came today:

Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry by Lisa Bevere. I'm a little unsure what this book is about but it's definitely relating to promiscuity and waiting for marriage. If you don't already know, you do now!, I'm waiting to have sex until I get married which means yes, I am a virgin. It's a personal decision for me, one that I made back in high school and one that I was blessed enough to make before I started sleeping with anyone. Which, let's make it clear, means I have not slept with anyone.

So I thought the book might be interesting. I'm not sure if it has to do with waiting until marraige or if it is more geared towards women who aren't virgins but is encouraging them to stop having sex and waiting for marriage. In any case, I thought I'd find it interesting (I already said that...oh well!) I'll let you know more of what it's about after I figure out what it's about!

I also received Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight by Karen Scalf Linamen, of which I just got the play on wordiness of as I typed out the title. Yes, I am that oblivious, that is nothing new! This book has "fifty-two powerful actions you can apply to any changes you long to embrace." It's another book that sounded interesting and I thought I might take something away from it, even if it's not 52 things it's gotta be worth a shot. Again, I'll let you know how that goes.

The past couple of days I finished reading Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech. I remember reading it as a young girl but I honestly couldn't tell you what it was about. As I read it I felt like I was reading it for the first time. The only thing I remembered about it when I found a copy (at either Savers or Goodwill) was the image I held of the cover in my head. When I got to the end there were a couple things that tickled my memory, but did nothing more than that.

I remember loving it when I was younger and even though I'm reading a young adult novel at 25, I loved it just the same and hope some day to have a little girl to pass it on to to read. The ending was unexpected--which, I guess, is to be expected when you're reading it nearly fifteen years after the first time you read it. Seriously--this book came out in 1994, the year I turned 11.

One of the best parts of this book is it's stamped "RIF--Reading Is Fundamental" on the inside front cover. Did anyone else have that program at their elementary schools? That stamp totally takes me back to standing as a tiny girl next to two huge tables in the library full of books, and only getting to choose one.

I'm useless

2009-04-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm useless right now. I'm getting nothing done. Not for a week at least. I'm not getting anything done lately. I don't know why, either, I don't know why I can't get my umph up, but when I get home from work I just want to crash. Or do nothing. But not enough of something where I'll sit and actually DO something, like read or watch a movie. I just surf online, looking at photos.

My latest obsession is with PaperbackSwap.com. I've got a huge wishlist going, and have already requested and received several books, and posted a ton of others. Is anyone else on this website? I love it. And cheap! You send out books to others and pay postage, and when they send to you they pay postage, and it's media mail, so it's cheap.

Right now my mom and I are watching Twilight. It really is a bad movie. The special effects could have been better. But, just the same, the story sucks me in. And it doesn't help that the lead guy is hot (which, for the record, I have thought since my favorite Harry Potter movie, The Goblet of Fire. And, I think I write better than Stephanie Meyer. I have no idea how she's sucked in so many teenage girls with this story, and how it got so big. I blame my cousin for introducing me to the books, but why do I like it so much?

My sister and I have talked about this very thing. Perhaps it's the idea of the whole book. The idea of it is excellent, but it's the execution that lacks. See? In the middle of this post, I started paying attention to the movie instead of what I'm writing. Once they get the whole relationship thing going and stop with the "I can't be with you, but I want toooooo," it's less painful.

But, again, I am not being useful. I've got to write myself a to-do list and start getting stuff going. There's a lot of "projects" I want to do, but I need to work on a little at a time so that I can work towards actually getting things accomplished.